Round Up: On Love

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I was a bit sheepish when I chose 'LOVE' as October's Self-Discovery Word by Word post. I thought it might be a bit cliché. But I was wrong – the posts on 'love' were truly beautiful and incredibly authentic!

So here are the posts, all very much worth reading, in no particular order…

I (Love) This: Self-Discovery Word by Word – an inspiring and poetic post from Mary at Miss Mary Max about loving when you get the chance. "Regardless of the feeling," she says. "Do love when it’s easy and joyous and fun and when it’s hard and grueling and against your instinct."

Margarita from Weightless gives us all 4 Ways To Truly Love Yourself. Four practical, doable ways to show ourselves love unconditionally, as she so clearly puts it, "beyond the curve of your hips or the shape of your thighs."

And Mara at Medicinal Marzipan takes the concept of loving yourself that one step further, asking the question: What happens when you love yourself, find someone to love you, and then fall out of love with yourself? In On Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love Themselves, Mara explains that "the thing about love – reciprocal, intimate, lasting, nourishing, fantastic, gorgeous, exciting love – is that it requires that both parties believe that they deserve to be there."

Finally, Ashley at Nourishing the Soul did something brilliant in its simplicity with What I Love Today, a list of what she is loving right now, both big and small. I particularly liked her list's intro – "Love ain't easy, but it's always perfect."

So true. And if you haven't read it already, here's my post on love and why it's big.

If for whatever reason you didn't send me your post or thoughts yet, don't hesitate to send them now. I will quickly add yours to the list - the beauty of blogs is you can edit them (without having to stop the press)!

I'd also like to point out that this month is SDWW's one-year anniversary! Ashley started the series last October 2010 with GRATITUDE. If you'd like to read all the past posts and roundups you can find them here. She's looking for bloggers to host upcoming months so if you're interested in taking part, please do contact her. You won't regret it – it's such an interesting series and a great way to find new and interesting blogs.

So with love, have a great week and hope to see you for next month's word. 

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Some Things Are Better... Some Things Are Worse

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There's a column that Bill Bryson wrote that has stayed with me throughout my ex-patriot experience. Bill Bryson is an American who moved to England at the age of 26 (same as me!) and married an English woman (same as me! – except I married a man). When he and his family moved back to America in the mid-nineties he wrote a series of columns for The Mail on Sunday's Night & Day magazine.

In this one particularly memorable column, Bryson talks about how efficient and agreeable his local U.S. post office is – best of all the fact that once a year it hosts a 'customer appreciation' day where coffee, donuts and pastries are served free of charge. "Much as I admire the Royal Mail," he writes, "it has never once offered me a morning snack, so I have to tell you that as I strolled home from my errand, wiping crumbs from my face, my thoughts towards American life in general and the U.S. Postal Service in particular were pretty incomparably favourable."

However, he goes on to point out the U.S. Postal Service has some drawbacks. The same day as 'customer appreciation day' he had a letter returned to him because he had neglected to address it properly with a street name or number. He wrongly assumed that Black Oak Books in Berkeley, California was enough of an institution that the letter would arrive regardless. Unfortunately, not only did the letter never make it there, but it had, in fact, spent six weeks in California.

This was in clear contrast to the fate of a letter addressed to Bryson in England, with the address simply written 'Bill Bryson, Writer, Yorkshire Dales', which arrived within 48 hours of its posting with the help of the industrious Royal Mail service.

His conclusion? "The lesson to draw from this, of course, is that when you move from one country to another you have to accept that there are some things that are better and some things that are worse, and there's nothing you can do about it."

This advice has got me through many a bad moment as an ex-pat.

There are days when I worry if I did the right thing moving to another continent and country. I often wonder if I'll ever feel at home anywhere ever again. There are times in England when no matter how amazing my life feels and how many friends I have, an ache remains from somewhere within that I am really far from everything I truly know. But there have been trips home to the U.S. when as much as I enjoy catching up with all my friends and family, I feel anxious to get back 'home' to England to the life I've built here.

I have decided that 'home' is now a mix of both – and there is one group in which I do feel completely at ease – with my ex-pat friends. Whether they are American or from another far-flung place, there's a connection that doesn't necessarily exist with others who haven't strayed as far from their home towns. Don't get me wrong – I love my English friends too (and the Hub, of course). But there's a comfort I think we all need sometimes – the comfort of someone who has stood in our shoes and can truly empathize. And can understand why it's strange to have a washer but not a clothes dryer.

And although some things are better and some things are worse, I find it's best to try to focus on the good stuff (when I can). In honor of that, here are lists of my favorite things from both countries.

England: Pubs, topiaries, fields with cows and horses sheer minutes away from cities (even London), savory pies made with things like steak and ale, gin & tonics (acceptable to drink one at any time of day, really), the fact that everyone else is as pasty-skinned as me and people actually notice when I get a 'tan' on vacation, you can take the train to France, orange squash (a drink, not a vegetable), the fact that they call lady bugs 'lady birds', people are polite even when they are not very happy with you, Pimms cocktails in summer, curries and a seemingly endless supply of tea.

America: Thanksgiving, the abundance and constant availability of ice, Triscuits, Twizlers, clothes dryers, endless optimism, ordering anything in a restaurant 'your way' and never getting the hairy eyeball, strangers striking up conversation at any moment in any place, hotdogs – particularly at baseball games, the sound of a screen door slamming on a hot summer day, Fourth of July picnics, fireworks and fireflies, and pizza by the slice.

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Love: It's Big

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My first love was Andy. With his red yarn hair and overalls, being the better half of a rag-doll pair, such was my love that 'Andy' became one of my first words. What happened to Ann is a bit of a mystery. The other mystery being why my parents at the time let me drink a lot of iced tea. I've seen the baby book and 'tea' was one of my other first words.

But it was the 70s. Feeding your kids iced tea was OK back then and being in love with a rag doll was alright as well.


Young love is an amazing thing. It's passionate and all-consuming. I would call it infatuation, in fact. But it certainly feels worthy of a much stronger word. Anyone who has had their heart broken in two knows exactly how strong young love is.

As my life progressed from age two to present day, I experienced much more love. Crushes, boyfriends, love of family and best friends. And as I changed, my definition of love changed.

Young love is about ourselves. We want so much to be accepted and secure. To be taken care of, to be assured that everything will be OK. Sometimes I am sure it was akin to looking in a mirror. Does this person reflect back to me all my beliefs and thoughts about this world, do they make me feel alright about myself?

But mature love is about something bigger. It's not small. It's not about making yourself feel better. It's not selfish or jealous or something that you can tether yourself to in the hope that maybe some day you'll be safe.

That old expression – if you love someone, set them free – rings true in many ways. If you want to truly love, you have to let go of everything. You can't trap love. When I let go of who I think I am and all my petty worries and when I realize that no matter what, I will be OK, it's then that I am prepared to love with all the reckless abandon I can find (in the back of cluttered closets is a good place to look if you're missing it). And I'm not just talking about romantic love, but being part of something bigger.

It's not easy. It's much easier to try to hold onto things that we think will make us happy and safe. But ironically, love is the big thing that allows us to let go of the small things.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series started by Ashley a year ago at Nourishing the Soul (Happy Birthday SDWW!!). I'm hosting October's word so please do think about participating. If you want to be part of it, read my kick-off post, post something on your blog and send me the link (ideally by October 28). If you don't have a blog, never fear, just send me your thoughts and I'll post them in the round-up on October 31.

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Broken Windows

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I'm a moderation girl. I don't do fasts or detoxes. I don't exercise every day and I think the best kinds of exercise are the moderate ones – walking, swimming, yoga. A little dancing. I've never 'given up' drinking in January as I don't tend to go on a Christmas binge. I make sure I eat some fruit and veg every day but pretty much everything else I consume is what appeals at the time and meets my hunger levels. And although clutter stresses me out, I don't mind a bit of mess as long as it gets cleaned up eventually.

In fact, my modus operandi when it comes to mess is that I make one and then when I can't stand it anymore I clean it up. Typically this happens at home twice a week – once on Sunday evening, when I clean up the chaos of the weekend and once on Thursday when our cleaner tidies up the chaos of the week.

It got me thinking – is this the best way to handle mess?

If you've ever read Malcolm Gladwell's book The Tipping Point, you'll know about the 'broken window' theory. It's a crime theory. It states that repairing broken window in a neighborhood in a timely manner prevents further vandalism and therefore stops escalation into more serious crime. I suppose it equates to setting a tone. A sidewalk filled with litter is more likely to induce further littering.

I feel like the broken window theory could apply to mess in my life. If a counter/bed/chair is already littered with 'stuff' then what's the incentive to put away the clothes I'm wearing on that particular day or wash that one extra bowl I'm adding to the dishes by the sink?

Would it work to have a 'no tolerance' policy on mess? Or is that just asking for trouble?

I wonder how much of my aversion to putting things away right away comes from my overall tendency to procrastinate, and my belief that tasks are always difficult. Funny enough, bloggers Leo Babauta and Gretchen Rubin give some similar advice this week. Babauta talks about how cleaning as you go is one of the seven little things that make life effortless. And Rubin discusses how important it is to put things away where they want to be.

I always used to think that these types of techniques were geeky and I'd be even more of a geek if I was well-organized and neat, but the reality is that the more organized I get, the more time I actually have for fun things (including writing a blog). Life doesn't have to be so hard all the time. And a lot of it is being prepared to let go of bad habits – procrastination and mess are, after all, anxiety relieving in the short term, but don't do us any good in the long run.

So I'll have a go and try what I will call the 'broken window' anti-mess technique. I'll let you know how it goes. Only one question remains: who is going to tell the Hub about our new household policy?

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Change Without Change

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Often when people get frustrated with their chosen career, they panic and think they need to change it completely. This could even involve a retraining of sorts – courses or even a whole new university degree. Sometimes this is the answer. But more often than not, I don't think it's necessary. It's worth considering another alternative.

Take me for example. At least five years ago I decided that I was fed up with being a journalist. But I wasn't sure what else I was qualified to do. Journalism requires all sorts of excellent skills (dealing with tricky people, boiling down an argument to the essential, questioning things, to name a few), but it's not always clear how to apply these skills to other jobs. So I panicked and began worrying that I had probably chosen the wrong career to begin with – what an idiot I was!

Immediately I started sending away for brochures on going back to school. I even applied for a psychology conversion course. I got in and then kept deferring my acceptance (twice I believe, if not three times). Then, after I eventually decided not to attend, I took another journalism job (indecision, indecision). I also flirted with the idea of retraining as a lawyer and applied for public relations jobs. But the thought of neither thrilled me. It wasn't until I was out for lunch with a contact of mine as a journalist, and I admitted that I was unhappy in my job, that I found something to do next. He worked for a financial services firm and they were looking for a writer – one who understood the markets. I applied, was offered the job and took them up on it in less than three days.

Sometimes you don't even know that the job you want exists. I certainly didn't. And when I look back on it, it wasn't that I wanted to change my job entirely, but only certain aspects of it. I still wanted to write, and speak to people, and do research. I just didn't want the extreme deadline pressure (I still have some deadlines). And I wanted to work inside an organization and have more variation in what I did. All of which I now have with my current role.

My hunch is that whatever job you're in at the moment isn't entirely wrong. Make a list of the things you like about your job and what you don't like. It may tell you a lot.

So if you're thinking of re-training in anything, take a moment to consider – is there any way you can use the skills you already have as a stepping stone to what you want to do next? There's a chance you may already be doing what you want to do to some extent and your dream job may be just a lunch conversation away.

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Either You'll Love It Or Hate It

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I'm incredibly excited to be hosting this month's Self-Discovery Word by Word series, started by Ashley at Nourishing the Soul. It wasn't easy choosing a word and either you'll think it's incredibly clever or I'll be inciting the biggest collective eye roll in history. Thing is, it's one of those words that I think is so broad that we should discuss it on a more in-depth level. Because it's so emotive and also so important. In fact, some people think it's the most important thing: love.


Although it is perceived to be of incredible importance, 'love' it's a word we bandy around carelessly and at the same time use to describe such a range of emotions and actions. But what does it really mean to you? Does it have a variety of meanings or is it all encompassing? Is it overused? Or not used enough?

I was out to lunch with some work friends and I was telling them about choosing a word and polled them on what I was thinking. When I mentioned the L-word they both seemed a bit disappointed – what a simplistic and common choice! We talked about a few other options, but when I finally explained why I thought 'love' might be a good word, we embarked on an in-depth (and a little heated!) discussion that turned out to be really interesting. Immediately there was a clear and strong difference of opinion on the subject.

So as when taking a standardized test, I decided it was best to stick with my first choice.

If you'd like to participate in this month's SDWW, write a blog post on 'love' during the month of October and let me know you did by emailing me (also paste in the image above so it's easily recognizable). If you don't have a blog, then you can just email me your thoughts and I'll add them to the round up at the end of the month. You can even do it anonymously if you're shy!

Looking forward to your take on the word that writers, poets, artists and musicians have been obsessed with since about the dawn of time. It's time we bloggers joined in the discussion too.

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