Top Ten Things I Learned From My Massive Life-Changing Clearout

Now that my clear out is officially done, I wanted to share some of the things I learned. We finally "exchanged" on our house Monday, so will be moving into our new home in less than a month. I cannot believe that I actually finished this before moving, but wonders never cease.

10. You have no idea how much lurks hidden within your home. I am still getting over the shock of the bathroom clear out in which I believe my photo composition 'Bathroom Deconstructed' says it all:

9. My fascination with living in another country started young. Not only did I have two foreign pen pals (in Germany and Ireland), but I kept all the postcards sent to me from my Grandmother and Great Aunt Ruth & Uncle Rolland when they started taking trips to far off places. I also saved all the little dolls from different countries that Ruth brought back for me. The three weeks I spent in France when I was 17 was a major deal -- with its own scrapbook and itemized list of every franc I spent (I showed this to the Hub and he asked what happened to this frugal teenager?).

8. I now think twice, or even many more times about bringing things into our home. When I went to Krakow for the weekend I kept wanting to buy a souvenir. But then I would consider whether I really needed an object to remember my time there. I took a gazillion photos, like usual, anyway. I am especially skeptical of anything free:

7. Being neat is much easier when you have chosen the "right" number of belongings for you. I no longer feel controlled or overwhelmed by my possessions. And I can spend the extra time I have pruning around the edges -- I immediately know when it's not working out anymore between me and a pair of shoes.

6. Music used to be a big part of my life. It's kind of fallen by the wayside, so this was particularly informative.

5. When a category of items that you're clearing out gets tough, just break it down further. A good life lesson as well?

4. Buying anything -- particularly clothes -- is much easier. When you know what you have, what you need becomes much more clear. And if you need something, the universe will deliver it. (O.K., you might also need a job to pay for it or at least a credit card.)

3. I loved to record things. I was a prolific letter and journal writer. I had a bit of peripheral interest in art, but photography was my main visual interest and the number of photos taken tended to be inversely correlated with how much journaling I was doing at the time.

2. The majority of possessions shouldn't live squirreled away somewhere. If you have a possession because it gives you joy, then you should be able to see it and experience that joy.

1. Writing was clearly my greatest passion. It's so pervasive in my childhood belongings that I felt knocked over by it at times. And the clear out has given me space to consider this a little more seriously.

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When A Cardigan Is Not Enough

It's that time of year again: summer in Britain. And it's great, with BBQs, picnics and of course strawberries & Pimms. And no matter how much the Brits complain, the weather isn't bad -- not too hot, not too cold. But for a long time, summer here made me miserable. I was caught off guard when the good sunny warm weather hit and was often either freezing or uncomfortably warm. In short, it has taken me a long time to get used to dressing here (nearly 10 years - I am slow on the uptake). If you are new to this country, this post is for you. Or if you have lived here a while and still find yourself awkwardly dressed this time of year, read on. 

Here goes:

A cardigan is not enough. During a sweaty New York summer a cardigan is perfect for an air conditioned restaurant or the office, but it just doesn't cut it in London. It can be very chilly on some summer days here. Think jean-jacket weather (those of you who are also children of the 80s). For work, a suit jacket can work, but I have four more versatile summer outerwear items* at the moment: a short khaki jacket with a belt, a summery blazer, an old fall-back jean jacket (not from the 80s, but doesn't actually work fashion-wise every year) and a blue longer spring coat for those much colder days. These trusty items are  so important because you are expected to be outside in the summer and if you don't have something warm, you won't have fun experiences at BBQs, picnics or while sitting in friends' gardens drinking wine and eating crisps. And that would be miserable! It's light until 10 p.m. this time of year - being outside is essential!

But don't be fooled by the fact that you are wearing a jacket. Don't even think about wearing a long-sleeve shirt or sweater underneath. Short sleeves or sleeveless dresses are essential for when you are inside. Even the air conditioned shops/offices/restaurants are not over-air conditioned like in some hot climates. Also don't forget that public transportation is not air conditioned at all - so even if it is mild outside you might be sweltering on the tube or bus.

And what if the temperature is inbetween? This brings me to my next tip.

The summer scarf. An oxymoron? I think not. It's the best thermostat around - makes your coat that bit warmer, or you can wrap it around your bare shoulders if it is too warm for the coat and too chilly for your sleeveless top. I've got a whole collection of cotton and linen scarves that I break out just for the season. 

Throw the scarf in your bag even if you think it it "very hot". Conditions are changeable. Make sure your scarf is kept company by a pair of sunglasses and umbrella. They both come in handy most days.

Then, get yourself one really cute but comfortable set of ballet flats. I resisted these for a long time as they do nothing for a woman's legs (in my humble opinion). But I clearly misunderstood. They are so useful when it has been cold and rainy for days and suddenly the sun comes out but you haven't had a pedicure. With a sundress or skinny jeans they work just fine. Also, they can be worn with tights to work on those cooler days before changing into heels - bonus. Sandals, not so versatile. It took me a while to find some that didn't tear up the back of my ankles, (thank you Dune!), but I am now a convert. (Many women here have lots of pairs but I prefer just one that I really like and goes with everything. You can really only wear them a few months of the year anyway - I prefer to have lots of nice pairs of boots!)

Coming back to tights. I know, I know, they are just not in the spirit of the summer. But sometimes it is too cold! Also, when you are in the habit of wearing them it feels weird to be in the office without them - I feel suddenly exposed, like the puritan I am. Which made it even funnier that my compromise -- flesh-colored small-knit fishnets -- was met with horror from one colleague. She told me they were slutty, which I found hillarious and made me want to wear them even more.

If you are English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh, this post may be met with the universal "duh". But for us Yankees it's just not that easy.

*Windbreakers, I find, don't work. They make you look like you really should be sailing or playing golf. Which is fine, but not on the streets of London.

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Beauty: Owning It

Celebrating beauty is not a new thing. But the modern age gives us much more exposure to images of beauty as well as more opportunities for superficial interaction with people. Take the film The Social Network, where Mark Zuckerberg's inspiration for creating the company that is now facebook – today an integral part of our social media environment – was a program he wrote called facemash, where people could compare photos of two women and click on the most attractive one.

We are hardwired to seek out attractiveness. Watch any science program on sex or mating and you will find that men prefer women to have symmetric faces and features that indicate fertility (like bright eyes and good skin). There is even a hip to waist ratio which indicates optimal fertility. So we are hardwired to ensure the survival of our species. However, life is a bit more interesting than that.

Attractiveness is not the same as beauty. When I sit in a darkened theatre watching a movie (which happens more often than not on a Sunday evening for myself and the Hub), I often think about how most A-list actresses are so similar. Not only are they extremely thin and always pretty but they also have very similar body types – big boobs (but not too big), a small waist and curvy hips (but of course not too curvy).

But before I go to the movies I usually go to yoga. And things are different there. You've got a room full of really sweaty men and women (I do Bikram), wearing very little clothing, due to the excessive heat (104 degrees Fahrenheit). If you really want to see how much variety there is in the human form, go to a Bikram class. Not only are there a collection of sizes there, but also you can really start to understand that no one has exactly the same frame or proportions. Some people have really long legs and some people have shorter ones. Torsos are different sizes, waists are of different proportions and even necks are shorter or longer. But yet, everyone is using their body to the best of their ability and striving to increase their strength or their flexibility the best that they can. And despite the beginners flailing around and not really listening to the teacher, you know at some point they will get it and start to understand their body and struggle less.

I love seeing how everyone is different, but their bodies still move in sync, all together as one. Despite the sweat and the heat and sometimes the real loss of composure, the real variety of people is a beautiful sight.

Beauty is about individuality and being truly who you are. Not only owning your short wide hips, but also your tastes and abilities and the stylistic things that define you.

There's a television presenter here in the U.K. who I love. She's called Kirstie Allsop and she presents a show (along with someone called Phil Spencer) about real estate, called Location, Location, Location. It's been going for 10 years here and it's really popular.

I'm going to sound like a stalker here, but Kirstie epitomizes what real beauty is to me. Of all the women on TV, she's always stuck to her own style and exudes confidence. She's got a womanly body and wears fabulous dresses and skirts and suits and coats – she never wears trousers – because that's what looks good on her and it's her distinct style. She owns it.

True beauty to me is having the confidence to be yourself. And we all have the capacity to do this, but we have to stand up for ourselves and own it. Because people are more than a snapshot on a computer screen – and thank goodness for that.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series and this month's word was chosen by Val at Balancing Val. Click here to read her kick-off post and find out how to participate.

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The Summer Coat

It's been a very hectic week. And when I realized that I had left my coat at my in-laws' house on Sunday I sort of knew it would turn into just 'one of those weeks.' You see, my summer coat is a real victory for me in the battle with the English summer.

Let me explain.

The seasons in England (at least southern England where I live) are of two sorts: coldish (autumn, winter, spring) and warmish (summer). I find dressing for the coldish weather very easy. When it's cold here, it's cold – everywhere – outside, in shops, at work, at home. England is a very damp country and so most homes have these charming ventilation holes which just let in cold air, constantly, so that mould doesn't grow on the walls. So why even put the heat on? (I'm being slightly dramatic here).

But dressing is easy. It's all about extra layers, warm sweaters (or jumpers as they say here), tights and boots. But in the summer, it gets tricky. You see, it doesn't often get very hot. For maybe a week or two the thermometer will hit 80 degrees or above, but for the rest of the summer it's actually in the high 60s, low 70s. Which would be fine and pleasant, except that when it does reach the higher 70s, it starts to feel very warm on public transportation, in shops or restaurants or even at work (buildings are not over air conditioned here, in fact, I've worked in buildings with no air conditioning – and when it does reach the 80s you aren't allowed to just not show up for work!).

There's also the added complexity that even when you might not think it's warm enough to be outside, the British will see the sun and feel cooped up after months of shivering indoors and will want to shiver outdoors – usually around a barbeque. And that can be grand, but only if you are warm enough.

For years this dressing in the summer perplexed me. Just wearing a sweater wasn't enough. And a fleece or sweat jacket is just not smart-enough looking. I usually took to wearing short sleeve tops under my spring/autumn coat – usually a trench coat. But this can look really bah-humbugy, as if you're denying that it's actually summer (even if it is freezing or raining). Wearing a blazer is also handy, or a suit jacket if you are going to work, but although a blazer is fine on the weekends too, I am a woman with hips and sometimes it's more flattering to be able to wear a longer outer covering.

And then, I discovered the summer coat. I had been looking for it for a while. I thought: if only I could find a smart-looking lightweight coat, maybe something you might wear over an Easter dress in a more normal climate, it could work for work and at weekends too. I finally stumbled on one from one of the catalogue companies here in late March – Boden – think a cross between J.Crew and Land's End. It's navy blue and has a sixties look (thank goodness for the Mad Men craze).

When you're an expat there are always challenges – and you have to adapt. The summer coat is a pretty light example, but it certainly demonstrates how you can't control your environment at all times (no matter where you live) and so it's worth being crafty and coming up with solutions that work for you.

Luckily, I was able to retrieve my trusty summer coat from my father-in-law at his London office yesterday. I should also add as a point of information for those still learning how to dress for the British summer – I also usually keep a cardigan and one of my two 'summer scarves' in my bag for use at any summertime outdoor event. You can never be too prepared.

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Ten Bags Of Clothes

On Sunday my brain forgot that Monday, as a bank holiday (Queen's Birthday) was not actually Sunday. So there was no Bikram Yoga class at 3 p.m.. Not to worry, the extra hour and a half was a very good reason to do what I had been putting off – finishing up the "Great Clothing Clean Out."

On the bus back from the yoga studio (yes, I actually went all the way there) I pondered why I had been putting off the final stages. If you haven't read my original post, I'm finally getting rid of all the clothes I don't wear anymore, including (gasp!) the clothes that don't fit and the ones I've been holding onto for sentimental purposes.

I did give myself a small margin of error – two tiny cloth storage boxes. In which I deposited a few special dresses, including a bridesmaid dress, the old wool sweater I stole from my Dad when I was in high school, a pair of sweat pants I stole from my Mom in high school (when she reads this she will think I'm ridiculous) and a wool skirt my Grandmother made for my Mom that never quite fit her right, which ended up in my possession. I shortened it to make it a bit sexier – as sexy as blue tartan plaid can be – but it no longer fits.

I also saved a tee-shirt from the publication where the Hub and I worked when we first met. He actually made me keep that one – but don't tell him I told you that.

I had already made the purge from my closets and drawers, but I was procrastinating going through it all again, deciding what to throw away and what to give away, because I knew it would be hard. I am a sentimental person, and also, part of me is kind of sad that I don't fit into the clothes I wore in my 20s. I've been holding onto the hope that I'd get back into them. But regardless of what happens to my body, holding onto a lot (yes, 10 bags worth) of clothes that mostly don't fit isn't helping me in any way. Holding onto things you don't use is living in the past or the future. And that means living in fear. Leo Baubata at Zen Habits wrote a really good post on this recently – about using decluttering as Zen meditation.

But it was still hard. I felt the anxiety rise as I put the clothes in bags to go, but as with all anxiety, if you just hold tight and let it happen – instead of avoiding whatever it is that's causing it – the fear eventually dissipates. And I thought about the people who would stumble upon my cast-off clothes in the charity shop and actually wear them. Even after my smaller cousin went through a lot of them while she was here for the wedding, there were still nice things in the pile that someone else could be using.

I also discovered something else about my procrastination in the process. Whenever I am avoiding something, it's usually because I think it's going to be hard. And I basically run a little film in my head imagining how long it's going to take me and how difficult it will be. So in my pondering on the bus before I got home I decided I was going to change the reel. I started visualizing how I was going to tackle the clear out easily and quickly. I conceded that I might have a few moments of anxiety but I would deal with it OK and I'd finish the project easily before something we had planned at 6 p.m. And guess what… I did! It actually worked. So I plan to now test out my weird 'visualization' technique with other things I'm dreading. If it got me from a messy attic strewn with piles of clothes to 10 bags ready to go to the charity shop, it might just be an effective technique.

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The Great Clothing Clean Out

Clothes can often be loaded for women. They are our protection, a statement, and can represent what we desire or what we wish was better about ourselves. For some, buying clothes and going shopping can be great fun or a distraction. It can also be an addiction.

I have to admit, I am not the biggest fan of shopping. No matter how at peace you are with your body, sometimes it's no match for the dressing room lighting. Or pick out the wrong cut of skirt and suddenly you appear to have lumps jutting out of your body in places you didn't even know there was a problem. It's not for the faint of heart.

For me clothes shopping is also interlinked with my constant battle not to hang onto old clothes -- things that don't fit, don't look nice or just contain a sentimental value (but yet they sit stuffed away at the back of the closet or in the bottom of a drawer). What if I need it again? What if I ever do some painting and need overalls? I keep old pairs of jeans in case I can use the material to patch another pair. As if I have ever patched anything in my life.

Earlier this week I wrote about a program I watched on hoarding and it gave me a renewed drive to try to grapple with my pack-rat demons when it comes to my clothes.

And the truth is, that in the past few years I've got better. I try to do a good clean out of my clothes at the end of each summer/winter season (there are only two seasons in England - warmish and coldish). I seek some honesty with myself: did I actually wear it all season?

When my cousin came over for the wedding I asked her to go through all the clothes that no longer fit me. Twelve years my junior, in her early 20s, there was a lot of stuff that looked great on her. And it was much easier parting with things when I knew they were going to my lovely cousin.

But still, there are loads of dresses I hang on to that I don't wear and all sorts of strange things I can't seem to throw away, like oversized tee-shirts with the names of trade publications I once worked for stenciled on them. These are not high-fashion items I should be treasuring.

I think the crux of my problem lies in my refusal to see my own wardrobe as a changeable, living thing. I'm not even the type who buys 'investment' pieces! But the reality is that we buy new things all the time, our lives change, our jobs change, our shapes change, and our tastes change. Even if I like something a lot, I can grow tired of wearing it. And there's that old chestnut of hanging onto clothes that don't fit. If you lose or gain weight, guess what, you can buy new clothes – the ones you are holding onto may no longer be in style or to your taste anyway.

Keeping things that you actually wear now and make you feel good is the stuff equivalent to living in the moment.

So this past weekend I took my first step in the getting-rid-of-things-I-don't wear cold turkey process. Without questioning, I asked myself, 'do I wear this?' and if the answer was no, then I took it out of the drawer or closet. Everything is now sitting up in our attic for phase two.

I plan to ask myself three questions when the real sorting begins:

1. Do I wear this? Right now?

2. Do I feel good in this?
3. If neither are true, why am I hanging onto this… and it is rational or just emotional?

I'm planning to give myself a little leeway. I have two small storage boxes. I will allow myself to keep some sentimental items, but only as long as they fit into those two boxes. Everything else will go to the charity shop or be thrown away. I'll let you know how it goes.

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