Cousin Love

The Hub and I took advantage of the recent long Easter weekend in the U.K. to meet up with my cousin and his wife in Vienna. Although they live in the U.S., they were on a visit to Europe and stopped by Vienna because her brother and his family live there.

At one of Vienna's Easter markets

Not only is Vienna a beautiful and interesting city to visit, we had a really amazing time catching up with my cousins and meeting her family too. And it reminded me how happy it has made me to get to know all my cousins again as an adult.

I have a relatively big extended family, as my mom is one of seven kids and my dad one of four. Taking into account that my parents' generation had considerably smaller families than their parents', this resulted in nine cousins on one side and eight on the other.

Keeping in touch is never easy as we're spread all over the place, from Bali to London to New York, Connecticut, Colorado, Wisconsin, Oklahoma, Georgia and California. The technological revolution has made it just that bit easier to at least keep tabs on what we're all up to. This has made me even more keen to see everyone in person -- one of the reasons I really wanted to make a trip to Wisconsin last summer, which resulted in a big cousin reunion on my mom's side of the family. And we had a blast.

There's something about a cousin. You've usually got some fun shared childhood memories (and hopefully not too much shared family angst), and at least in my case I never got to see them enough as we were always either a long car trip or a flight away. So getting to know them again as adults is just really fun and full of surprises. I recently found out one of my cousins is a really good writer and I didn't even know we shared that interest until now.

Also, we're usually surrounded in life by people who are very similar to ourselves due to location and lifestyle. The Hub and I live in a big city. A lot of our friends work in journalism or finance, because those are the industries we work in. My cousins, who we saw in Vienna, live in a town in the mountains with a population of 500. And they work in entirely different industries. It was so interesting hearing their perspectives on things.

Strolling through the vineyards at the Heuringer

I came back from Vienna delighted to have seen the Schoenberg palace, gone to the Spanish Riding School and eaten some strudel. It was also great to do some local things, like eating and drinking at a Heuriger in the suburbs of Vienna -- a family-style restaurant located in the winery itself. But what really made me happy was the people I got to spend time with.

If you don't have any cousins, see if you can borrow some. I've loved getting to know the Hub's as well since we got married -- he's got a whole set of really nice cousins doing really interesting things, who have welcomed me into the family.

But if you have cousins you haven't seen or spoken to in a while, or don't really even know at all, don't hesitate to reach out. You might just be surprised that you gain a new interesting friend.

P.S. In honor of my cousin, a link to his favorite Mind, Body & Scroll blog post on the Hub's reaction to my childhood dolls.

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The Art Of Communicating

I was going to call this post the lost art of letter writing and then I thought better of it. It's not lost. In fact, I'm predicting it will make a comeback.

The proliferation of free Internet-based texting has been amazing for my communication with friends and family abroad. I love the fact that sometimes on my commute into the office I can chat live with my first flatmate in London, Emma (who saved my live), and unfortunately for me, now lives in Australia.

Getting my Mom onto What's App, that's been great too. She was skeptical at first, but she told me that it was the best app she downloaded in 2015. And she is no techno slouch.

But the other day, one of my friends in the States, who I usually text with, sent me an email. It was just a usual email, nothing particularly special or exciting about it -- except it was special and exciting. She had a bit more space and time to expand on what was going on in their lives. I learned just that little bit more about what she and her husband were up to at the moment. In comparison to our usual interaction, it was like receiving a letter. It was such a treat.

It made me think. Maybe I need to be more vigilant about my communication with my friends to avoid falling into communications ruts. If I mainly text them, I should stop and write an email sometimes, or call them. Or if I mainly email them, maybe I should set up an online video session.

Maybe I should write them a letter and sent it by mail. That would shock them!

All our new methods of communication are great, but I always think that the more things change, the more they stay the same. For us expats who want to feel connected to our family and friends far and wide, it's great having the instant connection of seeing photos and postings on social media. But we can't forget that nothing matches a conversation -- in person if possible -- although video calling offers a pretty good alternative. Over Christmas I was able to "see" lots of my family members this way and it really did feel like I had a visit with them.

That said, often I just prefer that old-fashioned technology of a voice call (whether over the Internet or phone lines), because let's face it, if you want to do a video call you have to sit up straight and make sure your hair doesn't look too messy. And it's always distracting to see yourself -- no matter how small you make the box and try to hide it.

Either way, mix it up. Write a letter. Set up a phone call. You won't regret it.

Photo credit: gxr-11 via photopin (license)

Photo credit: Studio via photopin (license)

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Emma, Who Saved My Life

There's a book a friend lent me called "Emma, Who Saved My Life," and I always smile to myself when I think of the title. When I moved to the U.K. I shared a flat with my wonderful friend Emma.

Well, we weren't friends when I rang her buzzer that day in Clapham, but I hope she'd agree that after she showed me around and we had a cup of tea we were already on our way. And if it weren't for Emma I probably would have high tailed it back home to the U.S. shortly after my arrival.

Now a lot of people have saved my life -- on many different occasions -- but back in 2002 Emma was my sanity. She adopted me, so to speak. If she went to see her family, along I went. Emma got me hooked on gin and tonics and explained football (soccer) to me. She made me a bacon bap while we watched an early morning World Cup game that first summer. And she made sure I watched The Office and didn't say "pants" when referring to my trousers. (In case you don't know, "pants" means underwear in the U.K.)

I had the chance to hear Elizabeth Gilbert speak at the Southbank Centre a little over a year ago. I wasn't sure what she'd be like in person, but she far exceeded my expectations. And there was something she said that really struck a chord with me. Ms Gilbert explained that she has written all her books with someone in mind -- as if she is telling the story to him or her. I love this idea. It also lets you get out of your own critical head as you type away.

I'm currently working on a non-fiction writing project inspired by my novel attempt (through NaNoWriMo). As I was re-reading my coming-of-age story of an American girl who moves to London, I realized how much of my experience and observations of the expat life I was trying to crowbar into the narrative. It didn't work because it got in the way of the story. So I've decided to split these writing projects into two: the first being to rework the novel in a different setting so I can focus more on the story and secondly, to write a non-fiction book structured in a series of essays on my experience moving abroad.

I am finding Ms Gilbert's technique particularly helpful at the moment, because if you haven't guessed already, it's Emma whom I have in mind as I write. It's the least I can do, since she did save my life.

Also it means that I better have something to actually show her when she comes to visit. Deadlines are good for former journalists like me.

Related Posts:

• Inspiration Is For Amateurs
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Some Things Are Better... Some Things Are Worse

There's a column that Bill Bryson wrote that has stayed with me throughout my ex-patriot experience. Bill Bryson is an American who moved to England at the age of 26 (same as me!) and married an English woman (same as me! – except I married a man). When he and his family moved back to America in the mid-nineties he wrote a series of columns for The Mail on Sunday's Night & Day magazine.

In this one particularly memorable column, Bryson talks about how efficient and agreeable his local U.S. post office is – best of all the fact that once a year it hosts a 'customer appreciation' day where coffee, donuts and pastries are served free of charge. "Much as I admire the Royal Mail," he writes, "it has never once offered me a morning snack, so I have to tell you that as I strolled home from my errand, wiping crumbs from my face, my thoughts towards American life in general and the U.S. Postal Service in particular were pretty incomparably favourable."

However, he goes on to point out the U.S. Postal Service has some drawbacks. The same day as 'customer appreciation day' he had a letter returned to him because he had neglected to address it properly with a street name or number. He wrongly assumed that Black Oak Books in Berkeley, California was enough of an institution that the letter would arrive regardless. Unfortunately, not only did the letter never make it there, but it had, in fact, spent six weeks in California.

This was in clear contrast to the fate of a letter addressed to Bryson in England, with the address simply written 'Bill Bryson, Writer, Yorkshire Dales', which arrived within 48 hours of its posting with the help of the industrious Royal Mail service.

His conclusion? "The lesson to draw from this, of course, is that when you move from one country to another you have to accept that there are some things that are better and some things that are worse, and there's nothing you can do about it."

This advice has got me through many a bad moment as an ex-pat.

There are days when I worry if I did the right thing moving to another continent and country. I often wonder if I'll ever feel at home anywhere ever again. There are times in England when no matter how amazing my life feels and how many friends I have, an ache remains from somewhere within that I am really far from everything I truly know. But there have been trips home to the U.S. when as much as I enjoy catching up with all my friends and family, I feel anxious to get back 'home' to England to the life I've built here.

I have decided that 'home' is now a mix of both – and there is one group in which I do feel completely at ease – with my ex-pat friends. Whether they are American or from another far-flung place, there's a connection that doesn't necessarily exist with others who haven't strayed as far from their home towns. Don't get me wrong – I love my English friends too (and the Hub, of course). But there's a comfort I think we all need sometimes – the comfort of someone who has stood in our shoes and can truly empathize. And can understand why it's strange to have a washer but not a clothes dryer.

And although some things are better and some things are worse, I find it's best to try to focus on the good stuff (when I can). In honor of that, here are lists of my favorite things from both countries.

England: Pubs, topiaries, fields with cows and horses sheer minutes away from cities (even London), savory pies made with things like steak and ale, gin & tonics (acceptable to drink one at any time of day, really), the fact that everyone else is as pasty-skinned as me and people actually notice when I get a 'tan' on vacation, you can take the train to France, orange squash (a drink, not a vegetable), the fact that they call lady bugs 'lady birds', people are polite even when they are not very happy with you, Pimms cocktails in summer, curries and a seemingly endless supply of tea.

America: Thanksgiving, the abundance and constant availability of ice, Triscuits, Twizlers, clothes dryers, endless optimism, ordering anything in a restaurant 'your way' and never getting the hairy eyeball, strangers striking up conversation at any moment in any place, hotdogs – particularly at baseball games, the sound of a screen door slamming on a hot summer day, Fourth of July picnics, fireworks and fireflies, and pizza by the slice.

Related Posts:

• Gratitude: Pumpkin Pie Mix In England
• Becoming British
• Small Towns And Solo Wedddings

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Why I Pity My Friends

I pity my friends, I really do. If you're my friend and you're reading this, I hope you don't come up with a million reasons why before I actually tell you what I am talking about.

If you're my friend and you have a backache or your knees are giving out and you start complaining to me about it, you will soon wish you hadn't. Because, if you live in London (where I live), I don't really want to hear about it until you've gone to see my physiotherapist.

This may sound harsh, but when I first had debilitating pain in my arms and neck I had no idea what do to, where to go or what was happening. I even saw a crazy pseudo medical professional who tried everything under the sun except maybe voodoo and nothing worked (see The Whole Story). My friends, on the other hand, have the advantage of knowing someone who had done all the hard work, separated the wheat from the chaff and has found a really amazing physio who can actually fix people's aches and pains and also their posture for life.

I know it's expensive (not everyone has insurance here) and I know it's time consuming. No one wants to spend 30 minutes a day (or more!) on the floor trying to tighten their stomach muscles and push them straight to the floor (no matter what your problem is, everyone seems to have to do this exercise). But seriously, it's the only body you have. Think of it as an investment. And believe me, that pain in your back or your neck is probably not going to get better on its own. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but whatever you're doing with your walking or sitting that's causing it – you're not going to just stop doing it. You're not just magically going to be given the sudden gift of a full knowledge of the physiology of the human body. If you find another solution, great. And do tell me about it (there's never only one way). But if you're asking for my advice, this will be the advice you get.

Do you see why you should pity my friends? (At least 10 of them have gone to see my physio and they are actually pretty happy campers – although they probably won't comment and I will look even crazier!)

I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest because although I feel bad for being so preachy with my friends, I won't apologize for it. I only tell them what I tell them because I care and don't want them to end up in pain. I've been there and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.

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So, if you're still reading and interested in last week's physio trip, where I went crawling back, as the pain in my lower right back isn't ceasing (see What I Can Do), here's the end of the story:

Super Physio thinks everything is probably fine. I probably pulled a muscle in yoga and then hopped around on it in Zumba, not giving it the proper rest it deserved. She pointed out that my right hip was mega tight – which was a result of the back pain and then also the cause of it not going away (see Hips Don't Lie for a full explanation of this).

However, there is a small possibility that there is some sort of damage to my spine. She thinks this because she is watching out for what is called 'reliability'. Is my back reliable? Right now, not so much. There was moving house last year when all the trouble began, but there was also the fall down the stairs pre-wedding. But for the past year my back has been getting better and then it relapses, so this is something to take into account when managing my treatment.

Damage to my spine would be rather unfortunate. She did seem quite relaxed about this possibility, but we still decided I should get a scan of my back – just to be absolutely sure. So now I am engaged in the admin of getting the appointment, referral, approval from my insurance provider. You know the rigmarole.

At least I'm still allowed to do yoga. And walk. I'll keep you posted but please keep your fingers crossed for me.

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Friday Find: Urban Mavens

As a relatively new blogger myself, I am always happy to help out other newbies, eager to find interested readers. Two friends of mine have recently started blogs – and if you're interested in all things urban, you should check out their online musings.

Sara, who pens High Street Main Street, writes about urban living – both in the US and the UK – and how the physical aspects of town and city centres interact with the people living in them. You can read about such things as heated sidewalks, what monopoly boards and localism have in common, and ethnoburbs (I had no idea what they were either until I read the post!).

Over at Urban Clever, you can follow along on Molly's journey to downsize her belongings and re-think consumerism in the big city – without giving up style and good design. Read her post Take My Stuff… Please, and see if you can keep a dry eye while reading the everyday stories of the people who helped her to empty her flat by taking some of her possesions (although I am a crier!).

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On a different note, don't forget that today is today is International No Diet Day! And you know how I feel about diets. If you're interested in reading some of my posts on the delights of intuitive eating, and why it makes sense, check out these links:

• Four Meals A Day -- And Why Not?
• Friday Find: Holiday Eating
• My Wedding And Beyond Chocolate  

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Pleasure: Seeking It From Within

Writing a post on pleasure has made me think of so many things: the work ethic I grew up with, how puritanical America can seem when viewed with ex-pat eyes, and 'The American Dream' – and whether it is giving us any pleasure in the end. But I didn't want to write something about society as a whole – I wanted to think about day-to-day life and how I (or any of us) can experience pleasure more often. Pleasure comes with all sorts of good and bad connotations – how to know the difference between pleasure that is harmful and pleasure that is helpful?

What it comes down to for me is the difference between internal and external pleasure. Let me explain (because I know this sounds weird!). There are so many times in our life when we're looking for something outside of ourselves to make us feel good. Look at anything – work, relationships, food, friends, family. When I am praised by someone else it gives me pleasure, when I am loved by someone else it gives me pleasure. However, when this is what you seek, it's a losing game. I think that's because you're starting from a position of fear – and looking for something else or someone else to make you happy.

Even with something as confining as a job, I've noticed that when I seek out the things that I really like to do and try to steer it in the direction of things that excite me (including taking a job in the first place to begin with), I get much more pleasure from what I am doing. When early on in my career I took jobs because I thought that they were what I should be doing or that I'd impress someone by doing them, I got very little pleasure from the actual job.

It's when you realize that you've got the ability to create your own pleasure and that you don't need to get it from someone else or somewhere else that suddenly things feel lighter and easier. We didn't know it, but we already had the ruby slippers and the ability to get back to Kansas all along.

Seeking pleasure from within can be summed up in one of my favorite lines that Geneen Roth has written (from Women, Food and God), "We don't want to EAT hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to BE hot fudge sundaes.We want to come home to ourselves." Again, the theme of pleasure linked with coming home. With what's within us already. Finding pleasure in food and relying on food for pleasure are two very different things.

Jealousy is my clear sign that I've strayed down the path towards seeking external pleasure. I know when I am feeling hurt by someone else's actions (that really have nothing to do with me) or when I suddenly feel like someone isn't meeting my needs then I need to re-think what is it I'm actually looking for. Trying to gain approval or acceptance from someone else is a dangerous way to live – it essentially boils down to controlling that which we have no control over.

Letting all of the uncontrollable things in life get in the way of finding pleasure would mean being miserable pretty much all of the time (since there are far too many of them). But when you can rely on yourself to generate pleasure, then you can suddenly stop worrying about everyone else. Not to say this is easy. I fall into the trap of trying to control things around me on a daily basis – trying to make sure that I stay padded against reality. A classic control freak.

But I'm working on it. With the wedding, for example. I'm working like a dog right now on all the details. But I am enjoying a lot of things I'm doing (perhaps despite appearances). And I've made a pact with myself that even though I'm working really hard right now, when the wedding week commences and my friends and family start descending upon London, I am going to stop worrying about all the little details, just let go and enjoy the time I have with them. Because I'm never going to get that time back.

Seeking pleasure from within isn't easy all the time, but in the end it's much more, well, pleasurable. But even more so, reliable.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series. To read more about it (or participate) check out Joy Tanksley's kick-off post for this month's word. She'll be posting a round-up at the end of the month.

 Related Posts:

• Gratitude: Pumpkin Pie Mix In England
• Vulnerability: Being Broken Isn't So Bad
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Friday Find: On Xmas Gifts

I'm trying something new. I know lots of bloggers do a round of up of their week's favourite posts on Friday, so I'm totally stealing the idea, but with my own twist.

I plan to point out only one post/article (doesn't have to be a blog) I've read during the week that I really liked, made me think or affected me in some way. I'll try to comment relatively extensively on it as well – it may even turn into a real blog post instead of just a link. We'll see!

So this week, and I'm not even sure if he wrote it this week (but hey, cut me a little slack on this first one) is Leo Babauta's post on the case against buying Christmas presents. I forwarded it to a colleague of mine, which made me think, 'hey, I should point this out to my lovely blog readers!'

Christmas presents are a divisive thing. Some people just love giving them, some people find them really stressful and there is always the view that they are just for kids. The reason I liked Babauta's post so much is he really thoroughly addresses all the arguments that everyone uses as to why we should keep giving them (WHAT? NO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?) and comes back with some well thought-out answers.

The spirit of gifts is great. But the reality can be just the opposite.

I think the crux of the issue these days is time. Time should be our greatest gift to ourselves and others. For example, no one can make gifts these days because they don't have the 'time'. But even if we didn't sacrifice time to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies or photo albums for each other, what about just trying to spend more time as a family doing something together instead of opening gifts? Playing a board game, going for a walk, even – hey – just talking. When did we all get so busy?

Don't get me wrong, I love giving gifts. And I don't even find it that stressful. But I know plenty of people who do. Also, Babauta's whole 'people in this world are still going hungry' really resonated. Often we just give up on creativity and give something useless to someone just because we feel we have to. Like when you buy one of those baskets of soap & lotion (come on, you know you've done it and it's a total I-didn't-know-what-to-buy-for-you-so-I-bought-you-something-smelly cop out gift). Why not donate that money to charity?

But even resolving the gift giving issue amongst our families and friends takes time and effort and a wiliness to confront our own issues. And who has time for that?

Maybe the best way to resolve it is to decide on your own gift-giving policy and set an example. Ask people to make donations to specific charities for you (to handle the incoming gifts) and then decide you're only going to spend £10 or $20 on each person, or nothing at all, and make your own gifts – force yourself to get really creative. I especially like Babauta's suggestion to only buy things from charity shops or passing on your treasured items – that way you're essentially recycling, instead of consuming. I might try that next year.

Food for thought, anyway, as Christmas fast approaches. I still have about six gifts left to buy – arrrgh! And that's my first Friday Find.

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Small Towns And Solo Weddings

This past weekend I did two things that were unusual for me. For one, I went to a town about an hour outside of London. Second, I went to a wedding on my own.

Here's the funny thing about England. There are suburban belts of land, which are similar to the kind of environment where I grew up in the suburbs of New York. But, you can take easily take the train only an hour outside of London and end up in true countryside with little lambs jumping around incredibly verdant green meadows (yes, England is so damp that the meadows are still green in December).

It's a different world. I was in Marlborough, which is home to one of the big British boarding schools – called Marlborough College. If you've heard of it recently, and you're not English it may be because that's where Kate Middleton (you know, future Queen of England) went to school. And everyone I met seemed to know her, including the taxi driver who drove me to the bed and breakfast from the train station. I heard she's a very nice girl.

Chatty, that’s what people are in other parts of England, apparently. Perhaps my lack of experiencing stranger chat has been because I live in London. I spent quite a bit of time roaming the streets of Marlborough on my own and I was certainly not lacking for company and conversation. I bought a nice dress for wedding-related activities and I even got some Christmas shopping done.

But I have to say, the whole thing freaked me out a little. Is this what living in a big city does to you? I'm so used to anonymity that having the inn owner reminding me to book a taxi to the station the next day made me feel a little creeped out. All the chat was starting to feel surreal, as if I was in some sort of horror film where everyone seemed nice – too nice in fact – and really I was just going to end up sawed into little pieces.

Maybe the real problem is that I watch too many horror films.

So after my lovely but slightly surreal shopping day, I went to a wedding on my own. Now I think I'm pretty good in situations where I don't know too many people – one of my greatest skills is my ability to make small talk in a variety of situations. Being a journalist was great training for this.

But this past weekend being alone in a situation where I wouldn't usually be and not knowing too many people reminded me how important it is to be nice to people who are at a disadvantage in some way. Whether it is a person at a party who doesn't know anyone, a new person or someone who is just not 'part of the crowd' – being nice can really give someone else a boost, and actually make their day.

I was really lucky – many of the friends of my friend who was getting married were really nice and chatted to me at length and made me feel included. A former teacher from my friend's school days adopted me, so to speak, and sat with me during the ceremony.

This is the kind of thing that is so easy to do for someone else but that goes such a long way. It's no skin off our backs to chat with someone at a party for five or 10 minutes, but it can make their evening so much better. People always talk about wanting to make a difference in this world, but you don't have to go far to do it. There are so many ways to make a small difference to those in our own back yard that we don't always think about.

It was an interesting weekend. And so great to get out of London for some fresh air and a change of perspective. But this city mouse was pretty happy to get back on the train to civilization where there are fewer lambs and meadows (or none, actually) but no one takes much notice of you.

Related posts:

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People Pleasing

On Wednesday, I shared a little insight about what I'm learning through this whole wedding-planning process. Another one has since occurred to me.

So here is wedding-planning lesson number two: Things that you generally get upset about will also make you upset during the planning process – but on a much more magnified scale. If you're a people-pleaser like me, planning a wedding and sorting out the guest list is a veritable mine field. You can't make everyone happy and I've had a few sleepless nights trying to figure out if maybe this concept is actually wrong – that maybe I can make everyone happy! (My brain is like a big blackboard with equations scribbled over it as I try to prove the theorem: me + trying really hard = happiness for all creatures, big and small).

Being a people pleaser is not a great thing generally and it's something I really struggle with. I did some sessions with my friend while she was training to become a life coach and one of the exercises she gave me to do was to say 'no' to at least one thing everyday, no matter how small the request was.

Cue terrifying music. In fact, I'm not sure I even did the task I found it so daunting. This is not like me, as I'm such a goody two shoes that now I'm worried she is reading this and is upset with me for not doing it.

I'll give you another example of my general people-pleasing tendencies. My friend was buying a cookie at the coffee bar the other day and this is my recollection of our conversation:

Me: I have one of those cookies in my desk drawer. I wish I had known you were going to buy one, I would have given it to you. I don't even like them.

Her: Then why do you have one in your desk drawer?

Me: Well, someone gave it to me and I didn't want to offend them by not taking it.

Look, I know this sort of behavior isn't normal. But I'm working on it! Throwing a colossal party into the mix with a guest list of people from a few different continents is certainly giving me a lot of practice.

For one thing, I have seriously scaled down my social life to give me time to do all the wedding-y stuff. How else will I have time to trawl through photographers' websites and decide what color my shoes will be? This means saying no to friends, which I'm not great at (because I genuinely do love seeing them). But I've done it.

The problem with being a people pleaser is the only person who ends up miserable is you. I am trying to put myself first these days more and more. It sounds selfish, but it's not, because when I'm tired, cranky and overwhelmed from taking on too much, the people who suffer most are me and those people closest to me – the ones who have to see me day in and day out (like Future Hub). When I say 'yes' to everyone I become a much less loving and caring person.

So I'm working on it – and as I just stated, this wedding is good practice. Maybe I should try my friend's coaching exercise again. If you hear me say 'no' to you, please understand – maybe even pat me on the back?

(Incidentally, my friend's coaching business has now taken off. She specializes in career fulfillment and career transition. Jung is based in California, but does a lot of work over the phone. If you're interested, check out her website.)

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