Sharing Is Caring

In August I went back to work, nearly 10 months after the Little Guy was born. I felt very mixed about it as I was sad to leave my son, but also happy to get some of my old life back. But it was even more complicated than that, because I was giving up some of my legal maternity leave to my husband.

And this was harder for me than I thought it would be.

I spent the whole first nine months of my son's life being his primary caregiver. I ended up breastfeeding him (something I never ever expected). I was the one up in the middle of the night, the one spending the bare minimum of 12 to 13 hours a day taking care of him. So even though I often used the Hub as sounding board, and as a constant support, at the end of the day, he always deferred to me, letting me be the final decision maker on anything child care related.

But those days are over. We are exercising our right in the U.K. to what is called Shared Parental Leave (SPL). The idea is that parents can now share the 12-month legal maternity leave allowed by law. So I took nine months of leave from work and the Hub is taking three months.

Three months isn't that long, but I think it's huge step forward for women's rights, and even more importantly, for all parents' rights.

For a control freak like me, it's been hard to go back to work and let go of all the influence I had over the Little Guy's life. When we had a few weeks of overlap -- which we called "Baby Boot Camp" -- the Hub questioned my organization of the diaper bag(s) attached to the stroller (pram), and it drove me nuts. The Hub also didn't want the Little Guy to wear onesies (bodysuits) anymore -- too difficult to snap -- and would put clothes on him that I would have never chosen. He was right about the stroller, and the other things didn't matter.

I think we've done pretty well so far, with only one significant disagreement over child-rearing methods. But when we were discussing our views, there was a part of me that wanted to rescind my agreement to forfeit all my legal leave. After all, was I making a mistake? You can never get this time back.

But then, in order for something like SPL to really work, for it to become socially acceptable, for both men and women to become comfortable with it, we all have to give a little. There are men who have to take the plunge at work, to grit their teeth and deal with a snigger or the fear of what it could do to their career. And there are women who have to give up a little bit of their leave, and time with their kid, to be O.K. if their baby is breastfed a little less.

And then there's the positive impact on the child. I keep having to remind myself that the Little Guy is benefiting from having more people in his life to care for him. After all, when we spent 10 days in the U.S. over the summer and he had lots of family members around to take care of him and dote on him, I could see the positive benefits. He seemed more well-adjusted already.

Finally, sharing the care taking is having a great impact on both the Hub and me. He gets it now, in a way he never did before and I feel like more than ever we are partners. We are also so lucky to be able to take advantage of this -- not everyone can. So while I do get a twinge of jealousy when the Hub sends me photos of the Little Guy at music class or sleeping in his stroller during a walk, I have to remember it's all for the best for all three of us, and appreciate the small fact that at least I can drink a hot beverage at my desk without being interrupted.