Why I Pity My Friends

I pity my friends, I really do. If you're my friend and you're reading this, I hope you don't come up with a million reasons why before I actually tell you what I am talking about.

If you're my friend and you have a backache or your knees are giving out and you start complaining to me about it, you will soon wish you hadn't. Because, if you live in London (where I live), I don't really want to hear about it until you've gone to see my physiotherapist.

This may sound harsh, but when I first had debilitating pain in my arms and neck I had no idea what do to, where to go or what was happening. I even saw a crazy pseudo medical professional who tried everything under the sun except maybe voodoo and nothing worked (see The Whole Story). My friends, on the other hand, have the advantage of knowing someone who had done all the hard work, separated the wheat from the chaff and has found a really amazing physio who can actually fix people's aches and pains and also their posture for life.

I know it's expensive (not everyone has insurance here) and I know it's time consuming. No one wants to spend 30 minutes a day (or more!) on the floor trying to tighten their stomach muscles and push them straight to the floor (no matter what your problem is, everyone seems to have to do this exercise). But seriously, it's the only body you have. Think of it as an investment. And believe me, that pain in your back or your neck is probably not going to get better on its own. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but whatever you're doing with your walking or sitting that's causing it – you're not going to just stop doing it. You're not just magically going to be given the sudden gift of a full knowledge of the physiology of the human body. If you find another solution, great. And do tell me about it (there's never only one way). But if you're asking for my advice, this will be the advice you get.

Do you see why you should pity my friends? (At least 10 of them have gone to see my physio and they are actually pretty happy campers – although they probably won't comment and I will look even crazier!)

I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest because although I feel bad for being so preachy with my friends, I won't apologize for it. I only tell them what I tell them because I care and don't want them to end up in pain. I've been there and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.

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So, if you're still reading and interested in last week's physio trip, where I went crawling back, as the pain in my lower right back isn't ceasing (see What I Can Do), here's the end of the story:

Super Physio thinks everything is probably fine. I probably pulled a muscle in yoga and then hopped around on it in Zumba, not giving it the proper rest it deserved. She pointed out that my right hip was mega tight – which was a result of the back pain and then also the cause of it not going away (see Hips Don't Lie for a full explanation of this).

However, there is a small possibility that there is some sort of damage to my spine. She thinks this because she is watching out for what is called 'reliability'. Is my back reliable? Right now, not so much. There was moving house last year when all the trouble began, but there was also the fall down the stairs pre-wedding. But for the past year my back has been getting better and then it relapses, so this is something to take into account when managing my treatment.

Damage to my spine would be rather unfortunate. She did seem quite relaxed about this possibility, but we still decided I should get a scan of my back – just to be absolutely sure. So now I am engaged in the admin of getting the appointment, referral, approval from my insurance provider. You know the rigmarole.

At least I'm still allowed to do yoga. And walk. I'll keep you posted but please keep your fingers crossed for me.

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What I Can Do

I've been feeling a bit bummed that I have to go back to my physio today. Not that I don't like seeing her, but I was only discharged only about eight weeks ago and was hoping I'd be able to handle things on my own for a while. But then last week I broke down and called her as the pain on the right side of my lower back hasn't been calming down as quickly as I'd hoped.

One of the hardest things about being in physiotherapy is that you have to do lots of exercises. And they're not easy to always fit into your schedule. But another tough thing is that you can't always do all the other activities you like. Sometimes you have to explain why you aren't on the tennis court during your friend's grass court barbeque. You end up sitting on a bench telling someone about your struggles with your neck pain or your back pain instead of actually playing.

The good news is that it's possible to get better – the bad news is this takes time and patience, particularly if it's been a problem that you've had for a while.

I've noticed recently that when it comes to exercise, I often focus on what it is I can't do – which creates frustration and struggle. Instead of being happy that I can walk and go to yoga I can't stop thinking about how things would be so much better if I could go swimming, play golf or tennis or go to Zumba.

And it made me realize, this is what unhappiness is all about. When you want to be doing something you're not and when there's something better out there that you desire, it's impossible to be happy.

It's a very simple thing, but wanting to play tennis when I can't isn't doing me much good. And throughout the last six years when I was really struggling with becoming pain free (which I mostly am now), I was constantly waiting for the day when I was 'better', when life would begin, when I would be happy again. Not that I wasn't ever happy, but when it came to my body, I was engaged in a constant struggle. And this wasn't only because of the pain (although sometimes it was the pain – ouch!), it was because I was focusing on what my body couldn't do. And I wonder how much more quickly I would have gotten better if I hadn't fought things so much. If I would have rested more and respected my body for where it was at that moment, instead of yearning for where it was I wanted to be.

That's in the past now, but I can certainly learn a lesson from it. As I go back to see Super Physio today I need to accept whatever it is I need to do right now at this moment to get the pain in my lower back sorted out. I'm afraid she'll tell me I can't go to yoga for a while. And afraid that she'll say that it will be months and months until I can take an aerobics class again. But I'm going to try to accept whatever it is my body can do right now at this time – because anything else isn't doing me any good.

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Taking The Wheel

You don't need to be in physiotherapy for six years to know that a ping in your back during a yoga pose – while standing on one leg – is not a good thing.

I've been discharged from my physio (for the third time) for about six weeks now and I've already managed to be in a position again where I'm wondering if I should go running back.

The head is swirling with all sorts of 'what ifs'. What if I've done irreparable damage? What if I'm doing all the wrong things to fix said 'ping' and have totally misinterpreted my symptoms – that I've actually learned absolutely nothing in the past six years? What if I do go back and she says that I have serious problems and should probably just live in a padded room for the rest of my life where I can't fall down any more stairs or pull any muscles? (Did I mention that I fell down the stairs three weeks before our wedding?)

I'm trying to stay calm. And I'm managing it so-so.

I've already made one mistake in my 'ping' treatment. I kept going to Zumba. For those not in the know, Zumba is a dance-based exercise class, which involves a lot of fun hip shaking and jumping around. I thought maybe it was helping as I was at least moving my back and I was keeping it all pretty low impact. But then last Saturday, after two sessions of Zumba during the week, my back was pretty beat. I had to spend all day on the couch lying down watching Wimbledon and drinking lemonade (which wasn't so bad).

So I started thinking that maybe Zumba wasn't really the best idea. I pondered going in to see Super Physio, but then again, I probably already know what she would say: Do my exercises, don't hop around on it (for Chrissake!) and take some ibuprofen. I think yoga is still OK to do – although this is where I get on shaky ground. As you can see from my Zumba misstep, I tend to overestimate how much I'm capable of.

But I went to yoga on Thursday night and the heat plus all the spine movement allowed me to get to the really sore bit when I did do my physio exercises later in the evening. It was a little alarming just how sore it was, but at least it actually moved.

I think I'm going to give it one more week. I'll keep doing what I think is right and see what happens. It's a safety net after all – I don't have to go it alone – I have the resource if I need it. But I'd also really like to sort this out myself, and take the wheel, if at all humanly possible. It would be nice to be in the driving seat of this body – it's been a long road.

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Those Pesky Hips

Although my story of pain is a success story, sometimes there are still setbacks. This week, shortly after publishing Monday's post about moving my exercise routine forward, my body reminded me that I can't take anything for granted. I've been reminded of this before, like when I fell down the stairs three weeks before the wedding, but at least this time things were slightly more under my control.

On Wednesday I noticed my back seemed sort of stiff. I've been working on getting my hips stretched out fully so that I'll be ready to play golf and tennis (if I so fancy it), but for whatever reason – perhaps I've been sitting more than usual or skipping my exercises on Monday night wasn't the best idea – the stretches were not doing enough. Or I wasn't doing them enough.

In case you weren't aware, stiff hips can cause lower back trouble. And then when the back gets stiff, that can exacerbate the hip tightness even further, causing more back pain. It's a vicious cycle. Read my post Hips Don't Lie for a more detailed discussion of the matter.

Of course there was the little twinge of panic. Does this mean I'm back to constant pain and popping ibuprofen constantly? It doesn't take much to throw me over the what-if cliff. If you've suffered from chronic pain before you know how frightening it can be.

I was also annoyed that I might have to skip swimming on Thursday night. And the Zumba class I had been considering going to today. I was really annoyed, actually, to the point of thinking maybe it would be OK, when I know full well that those are two activities that don't loosen the hips and in fact would make things worse.

A quick call to Super Physio's office confirmed this fact, much to my dismay, but not to my surprise.

So I've been stretching out my hips for the past 48 hours. Every chance I get. Luckily I know three variations of the stretch, so can do some at work, and even when waiting for the bus.

I'm irritated I didn't get to swim or dance this week, but I was also reminded of an important lesson. I need to pay attention to my body even more when I'm adding in new movement. If right now I was just doing walking I wouldn't have this problem. But I'm (very happily) going to yoga, taking a tap class and getting back into Zumba and swimming. It's an increase in activity that seems amazing when viewed from the standpoint of where I was last summer – when I was having trouble walking because my back was hurt so badly.

But it also means that I'm more likely to get stiff hips. And my neck and shoulders will also be more prone to tightness. I know the exercises and the stretches to do to fix these little wobbles, and if I want everything to work, I need to be vigilant and actually do them!

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Exercise, Again

It's not easy to get into an exercise routine. For anyone. But you've got to be strategic. It's got to be right for your body type, something you actually like doing and the right frequency to keep you from just giving up.

As you may know, I am now recovered from what was a terrible problem with my posture that resulted in muscle imbalance and pain. Unfortunately for me, after recovering, I had a few set backs, including a tonsillectomy and then a back injury last summer from moving house that was totally unrelated (apart from the fact that I am hypermobile, which means I will probably always be a little more prone to injury than most people).

So it's been a long time since I've had a regular sustained exercise routine for more than a few months – besides walking. And that's been tough. Both physically and mentally.

But last October, the stars finally aligned and my physio cleared me to start exercising again. First, I started going back to Bikram yoga. I was thrilled– but had to remain calm about the whole thing and not overdo it. I just went once a week. I also went back to my tap dancing class. This was all amazing.

And then, it got better! I was cleared to do some aerobics again, so I started getting back into Zumba (a dance exercise class). This trio of activities got me through the five months prior to the wedding.

So what happens now? I've been getting stronger and although I don't want to overdo it, I wanted to up things a little more, considering that tap class doesn't happen every week and sometimes we don't even really work up a sweat (we all usually just wear our work clothes). And even though I'm not sure I'll settle at this level, I think exercising three to four times per week seems like the right amount for me.

I'd been toying with a few ideas – including going to yoga twice a week. I tried it, but it was just too much for me. I know that the Bikram yogis swear you have to go at least that much, if not everyday, but it's expensive, and it's time consuming. Apart from being a 90-minute class, you get so sweaty that there's no way you can leave the building without a shower. Plus there's the 15 minutes I spend after class sprawled on the floor unable to move before I can even get to the changing room.

Going once a week is still really challenging, but I also don't dread it. For now, that's my Bikram yoga equilibrium.

One thing that has influenced my decision about what to add in next is a pesky bit of a click in my right shoulder (not sure how else to describe it). According to Super Physio, this will go away once my right deltoid (the big shoulder muscle) gets just that bit stronger to hold one of the joints in my shoulder together better.

I have weights that I use to do specific physio exercises with, but SP said that I need to do more varied work (i.e. faster and in more directions) to actually get that deltoid muscle as strong as it needs to be to stop said pesking 'clicking'. And this doesn't mean I need to become a body builder – no, it means going to Zumba and waving my arms around more and doing things like swimming or tennis or golf.

So I've now started adding swimming back in on Thursday nights. In the past I've struggled a bit with trying to incorporate swimming into my routine. But I am pretty interested in getting rid of that click and I think it's probably the safest bet right now as I don't feel ready for tennis or golf yet. Also, there's the added incentive of a little lie down in the sauna afterwards.

There's a lot to think about when it comes to exercise for me. I can't just plow ahead and try out every new exercise fad that comes along (and who really wants to fly with Jukari or throw those kettle balls around anyway?). Sometimes it stinks, but I know that in the end my body will thank me for it. I have to be my own expert, as only I know the type of exercise that works best for me, what I really like and how I can make it sustainable. And I think that might even be true for everyone, even if you don't have a pesky shoulder click.

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Calendar And Control

The other night over Thai food Future Hub looked at me and said, "We're in countdown mode, aren't we?"

Soon he will just be the Hub (gasp!).

We proceeded to spend the rest of the dinner verbally checking things off, sorting out our schedule, trying to figure out when we'd have time to complete the laundry list. We aren't discussing our lives anymore, but one event. It's a little like the weeks before we exchanged (closed) on our flat last year. Every night after work we went through the checklist of what needed to get done. In some ways living like this is unbearable – in other ways it's good, as I feel like we're in it together.

And there's the whole 'controlling the calendar element' to these days, which makes me feel calmer. As I add appointments into Google calendar I feel a sense of control – at least that there will be some sort of order to the weeks ahead. However, it struck me yesterday that this isn't much different from my regular life. Emails come in about planning things, emails go out. And then dates go in the diary. I move a yoga class from a Saturday to a Sunday. And thus my life is planned out, controlled, OK.

Some people are addicted to drugs, others food, others video games. I am addicted to planning. This addiction, like most, I assume, doesn't provide long-term happiness, but sustains me in some way as a quick fix. I get a buzz from seeing my future weeks so full and ordered.

I don't know. Part of me is alright with the planning – I am a social creature, I like to do things and go places, primarily with other people. And if you want to see anyone in London, believe me, you have to book ahead. I recently got an invitation for a 30th birthday party – in June.

But then again, what is it about empty space and the absence of a fixed plan that makes me feel so nervous?

This calendar obsession also dredges up memories of when I couldn't control my body at all due my neck and arm pain. When I was doing well and getting better I would schedule in exercise classes on my Outlook calendar, recurring appointments – a fantasy schedule, if you will. Maybe I thought if I used enough willpower and hope, I would make it to all those classes or pool swimming sessions.

But life isn't like that.

I'm contemplating trying to go back to a short daily meditation (10 minutes tops) as the weeks roll forward closer to the big day. I was planning (again, here we go) to try to go to yoga two times per week as a way to de-stress, but I'm not sure my body likes that idea.

In the spirit of my post on listening to myself, from earlier this week, I have asked my body what it thinks. Right now it's very cool with the rhythm we've got going of yoga, tap, Zumba – three distinct classes a week. It's quite happy, can handle it and isn't going to rebel. But I feel like it's whispering, "Go ahead, just try it lady, see what happens if you push me."

So I'm keeping it as a free option. I've blocked out Thursday nights in the old Google calendar in case I feel like going. For someone as controlling as me, that's a big step. Clearly.

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Keeping Score

I have a very large Excel spreadsheet where I have kept track of all things physio-related, including various exercises done (how many reps), heart rate, anti-inflammatories taken and general comments about my pain – how severe and where. A thrilling read. And it goes back to early 2007.

Recently, I've just stopped filling it out. I kept forgetting – which is surprising – as I have kept it faithfully every day for over three years. Recently I started to use it to keep track of the new exercise I was starting to incorporate into my routine. In fact, I decided to start a new one – focused more on regular exercise and less on the physio-kind. But I've failed miserably to fill that one in as well.

Maybe it's that I've started to internalize what it is I need to be doing without the need for anything external. I don't need to keep track anymore. It's clear to me which exercises I still need to do daily, and those that I need to only use from time-to-time. I rarely need to take ibuprophen (or the stronger anti-inflams) anymore. And I can tell when I'm feeling run-down or over tired – my morning pulse rate probably only confirms what it is I already know.

I've settled into an exercise routine over the past six weeks. I go to tap class on Mondays, Zumba at the gym on Wednesdays and Bikram Yoga on Saturdays. I'm not doing any walking other than the 10 minutes each morning and night to and from the train station. Frankly, I'm not too keen on walking these days – now that I can finally do other things.

Three exercise sessions a week suits me just fine. When I told a friend recentlywhat I was up to these days in terms of exercise, she said: "That doesn't sound like exercise, that sounds like fun!" Exactly. And I feel better. You don't realize how much you like something (even exercise), until it's gone. It's a privilege (and if you don't believe me, read a recent post from Nourishing The Soul on another reason why exercise is a privilege – specifically running in this case).

I don't want to keep score any longer, I just want to do it. It's like when I went away to college. Throughout much of my childhood, I was a fanatical journal writer. But I ditched the habit when I moved away from home for the first time, keen not to observe, but to enjoy, to live a little more. And likewise, I'm ditching the spreadsheet.

There is quite a bit of research out there that shows that people who measure things do more of them, but there's also the theory that to get something done what you really need is excitement. One of Leo Babauta's recent posts along these lines has got me thinking about achieving, without goals, and although I'm not ready to throw away the to-do list, there may be something to not keeping track of everything.

And maybe letting the spreadsheet go is part of the journey to view myself as a 'normal' person. I still find it hard to believe that I'm going to be able to play golf and tennis next summer. And that I don't really need to take anti-inflammatories everyday anymore (you wouldn't believe the amount of drugs I carry with me at all times, just in case). It's as if I'm afraid to accept that I am well and healthy. That I just might jinx it.

But I suppose it's time to relax a little – stop keeping score and start enjoying the game.

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Exercise And Perfectionism Don't Mix

I definitely feel better when I'm exercising. But there's no greater mood killer than feeling like you have to exercise. I've seen a lot of articles written about finding exercise that you like to do, and I think there's no better advice.

But the other thing I've struggled with on the exercise front is being a perfectionist about having an exercise routine. Perhaps because you hear so much about the importance of getting into a routine to form habits. However, there can be a step too far.

After I got better enough from my RSI/postural problems to start regular exercise again, I got a little crazy (this happens to me often). I probably could have been mistaken for a general planning a war exercise with the way I made up spreadsheets, tables and maps for all this exercise I was planning to do.

One of the specific things I wrestled with was my determination to keep a weekly swim in my routine. My gym is right next door to my office, I like swimming, it's really good exercise, and if I didn't do it every week, what was the point of doing it at all? Ah, the all-or-nothing trap. It's a fail safe way for any perfectionist to get paralyzed.

But finally, I wised up. I also admitted to myself I need some routine. I have my Monday tap dancing class. I go to yoga on either Saturday or Sunday – at whatever time works that week. I also attempt to fit in one other dance or aerobics class during the week (right now I'm a big Zumba fan). I really love dancing and I like yoga – or at least the mind and body benefits I get from it. But the thing I do that keeps me the sanest is walking. Although some people think isn't 'real' exercise, I have a lot of time for walking (it probably merits its own post). When I have a pain flare up it saves me as I know it's something I can always do. Also, if I'm too busy for other exercise I know I can still fit in about 25-30 minutes of walking a day – usually on the way to work or home. And that's enough exercise to get the necessary health benefits.

And swimming? Now I reserve that for when I feel like it. Sometimes there's nothing better than going to the pool after work, swimming for as little as 20 minutes and then stretching out in the sauna. In the winter when it starts getting dark at 3 p.m. in London, my gym turns on colored lighting in the pool area and pipes in music that I can only describe as 'light techno'. It's weird, but strangely calming.

I also try to avoid this idea that you have to do a certain kind of exercise a certain number of times per week. At Bikram Yoga the teachers always say that you should go a minimum of twice per week. Why? In the past, someone saying that would have made me fall in line like a little lemming. Now I know that my body can only handle Bikram once a week. But it's still helpful to me, and I can even see changes in my body from it. I try to ignore all the noise from people who don't know me very well. Please remember, it's your life – and you're the expert.

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