Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Book Review: Small Move, Big Change

Habits are a big thing at the moment. Gretchen Rubin (of The Happiness Project) comes out with her new book Better Than Before: Mastering Our Habits In Everyday Life in March. In the meantime, pick up Small Move, Big Change by Caroline Arnold, a very good book on, dare I say it, how to go about changing your habits in a relatively painless way.

The premise goes something like this: make all your changes small enough that it is absolutely ridiculous not to implement them. Arnold calls these "microresolutions" and they are just that, very small, doable changes.

She discusses how most people attempt to completely overhaul their bad habits, trying to do such overwhelming things as "get organized", which in my view, stems from the natural impatience we have as humans of wanting to change things all at once. And as Arnold reminds us, this is usually a course for disaster. After that initial euphoria that comes from the start of a new project, our old habitual practices kick in. And it's true, think about how strong our ingrained habits are. None of us would even think of going to bed without brushing our teeth, because it's second nature in our society -- something we've been doing every night of our whole lives. Most people probably can't even remember learning to brush their teeth as they were so young when they did.

Arnold starts the book by giving an example of how she used a microresolution to "get organized". She found that she was always taking notes at work in various notebooks, on scraps of papers, or on printed out presentations or agendas during meetings. This meant that everything ending up in different places and she was constantly wasting time trying to find specific notes. Her microresolution: To put all my notes in one notebook. And because this resolution was obviously feasible -- although didn't prove as easy at it might seem -- she was determined to keep it.

The book walks us through Arnold's seven rules of microresolutions and she peppers the explanations of each with very concrete examples from her own life. Because I am incredibly nosy about how other people's brains work, what motivates them and how their structure their lives, I loved this detail. And it was very helpful in understanding how to apply her rules to my daily life. She also includes helpful chapters on each areas that most people want to change or improve, including fitness, diet & nutrition, clutter, relationships, spending, punctuality and organization. I also liked the fact that she provided to examples of the way in which she changed habits at both work and home, which is, in practice, the way we live, juggling the two sides to our lives.

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Holiday Styles

I've had a request to write about surviving married life. I'm not sure I qualify as I've only been married five months tomorrow. But Saturday, The Hub and I set off on our 'summer holiday' as they say here (as if everyone is entitled to one), and it reminded me that one of the secrets to a happy relationship is figuring out how to mesh your two holiday styles. I suppose it's also a possibility to avoid going on holiday together, but it doesn't sound that romantic (even if it is only a couple of weeks a year).

So if you prefer the latter, best to hone in on your holiday style and that of your other half. In our case, the Hub likes to go places to see things, preferably in a car, and he likes to cover as much ground as possible. I like to stay mainly in one place. Also, I am the only one of the two of us who has a driver's license. So you can imagine the trouble.

After a few knock-down blow-out fights, one of which consisted of me literally pulling over to the side of the road and refusing to drive any further (after three days of non-stop driving), I think we've got it figured out. A holiday where we can stay in one place and take little day trips in the area with the car (preferably every other day, to allow some time sitting by the pool reading or something similar) works pretty well.

This is exactly what we are doing this week. We've both got our books picked out and a list of things to see including churches that contain weird relics, a set of caves and a little island, all in the Istria region of Croatia.

Everyone always thinks that holidays are stress-free and just a barrel of laughs, but the truth is that if you don't plan a vacation that is enjoyable to both of you, it can actually create tension and strife, which can be a really unpleasant surprise. Like the ear ache The Hub developed in Corfu back in 2007, which he still blames on me for taking him to a water park called Aqua Land (he loved it – the water park, not the ear infection).

Enjoy the dog days of summer and see you on the other side!

****

If you're interested, to finish up the story, there seems to be no disc problem with my spine. In fact, the spinal surgeon said my spine looked very good for a 35-year-old! However, he is being careful to check that there's nothing else wrong, so sentenced me to some blood tests and yet another MRI. I had it done yesterday and this time they kept my head out of the machine (thank God) and let me listen to music. All-in-all it was a much better experience than last time.

He was pretty sure nothing would turn up in the tests, however, so I suppose the pain is actually muscular (confirming what my physio thought -- getting the scans done was always erring on the side of caution), meaning that it's back to physio exercises – particularly those pesky hip stretches – to finally sort out this one lingering bit of pain. It's a relief though.

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Guilt And The Cleaner

Lately I've been feeling really guilty about having a house cleaner. No matter what I'm doing on a Thursday morning I am filled with shame and remorse at how messy the flat is as I put the dough out for our cleaner extraordinaire (let's call her CE). One morning I got really mad at myself – I was actually running around trying to look good for a conference I was speaking at (read: an actual full face of makeup) – and yet still I felt bad about the state of our living quarters. Why do I need to able to do everything perfectly? Isn't speaking at a conference enough accomplishment in one day for me? Just because what was a tidy flat on Sunday night comes apart at the seams by Thursday morning, doesn't make me a bad person. (Right?)

I made the decision to hire a cleaner a few years ago before Future Hub moved in with me for two reasons. First, my aunt, who was a very wise woman, once told me that a woman should choose between cleaning and cooking, but never do both. As I love to control the kitchen, that one was a no brainer. And it made sense to me, this rule. My parents have never employed a cleaner, but my Dad does all the cooking and grocery shopping as well as fix things around the house. My Mom gets rid of the dirt.

Second, at some point Future Hub was over at my place and I was cleaning (this sounds weird to begin with). Anyway, he saw me dust the TV and exclaimed, "Why are you doing that? That's the kind of thing you only have to do once a year!"

It was that point that I knew we would never see eye to eye on cleanliness standards and there had to be a third party involved to settle this kind of dispute. We often joke that the pounds we spend each week on CE is really money spent to keep us from arguing – hush money, if you will.

If there ever comes a time when we can't afford it, I will gladly clean the flat. I also won't be able to afford my weekly Bikram yoga fix either in that case, so I would actually need the over four hours it would take me to do all the housework as my weekend exercise (CE does it in three and a half, but she's a professional).

This week I got a bit closer to getting over the guilt. As you may know from an earlier post this week, I've not been well. On Thursday I went into work but really couldn't hack it. My even-tempered colleague who sits next to me told me to go home after I sneezed about five times in a row. There was sputtering and coughing and just general lurgy-ness* seeping out from around my desk. So I scampered home, only to find that CE had not arrived yet… she was running late and so came in around the same time as me.

Can you imagine the guilt? I actually had to be there when she first encountered the mess and so immediately started tidying things up even though I was feeling like death warmed up. After a few minutes I decided enough was enough. If I wasn't well enough to do the job I actually get paid for, what kind of nut was I to start cleaning up when I was supposed to be resting? Sometimes I just reach a point of such ridiculousness that I have to follow my friend's sage words from our crazy days living in New York City (usually used in reference to some guy situation):

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I clambered up to the loft and curled up on the sofa to watch some old taped episodes of MasterChef, eventually dosing into some sort of Sudafed-induced dreamlike state, with the comforting sounds of CE vacuuming** downstairs. It was really nice to have someone else taking care of things for a while. Almost like having a mom around. Almost.

*Lurgy is the generic English word for being ill. Noun. Typically used to mean some sort of icky cold with sneezing, coughing and the like. Also, it might be interesting for those American readers to note that in the UK 'sick' means to puke, as in, 'I was sick' to mean 'I threw up'. When you have a cold or flu or something you say you are ill, not sick. 'Sick' can also be used as a noun, as in 'I cleaned up my sick'. Ew.

**Sometimes I'm not sure if I should use American or English English words in this blog. I keep going back and forth. Vacuuming is very American, whereas here they would say 'hoovering' – the Brits call vacuums 'Hoovers', after the brand. And we all thought Americans were the big consumers!

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Upstaged By The Royals

As I've said before, planning a wedding is an interesting process. Luckily I'm actually a good project manager, so as I've actually got going on the tasks, it seems more controllable and less stressful than I thought it would be. And I do love a bit of Excel. Give me some spreadsheets to play with and I'm very happy (and wedding planning spreadsheets don't involve too many calculations, or scary things like macros).

I'm still waiting for tantrums from family members or big fights, but so far, so good (I know, I'm jinxing it!). Even Future Hub and I haven't had too many words over it recently – although he tried not to let me register for a gravy boat last Saturday at Debenhams, which could have got very ugly (he conceded).

Perhaps getting married at a later age (ripe old 34) has made the whole thing a bit easier. I think I'm better at getting things done and more level-headed about the importance of decisions like the colors or the kind of cake we want. Despite the fact that the head of food at the catering company gave us the hairy eyeball when we chose poultry for both our courses (duck and chicken), I have been able to get on with my life.

The thing I'm enjoying most about the wedding planning process is the fact that I am talking (or emailing) with my friends and family back home in the States a lot more than usual. Even if it's just negotiations over hotel rooms or my Mom asking how it will be possible for guests to buy us presents that will be delivered in England (newsflash – they do have department stores in the UK that will accept US credit cards), I'm getting a lot more time with everyone.

Case in point was the email I received from my aunt in Wisconsin this morning asking if we could possible postpone our wedding to coincide with Kate and Will's Royal one? She has been a long-time follower of the Royals, reading about them in the papers while eating her breakfast cereal for years. It was the big joke when she first met Future Hub. We took her to Windsor Castle which included a little stroll through Eton where the princes went to school. She proceeded to exclaim, "I always though it was so mean that the princes were sent off to boarding school – but turns out they were right down the road from their Grandmother's house!"

I'm sure there will be many more stressful moments. I'm still sweating over the guest list, worried about who will be upset if I can't invite them and if we're actually going to be able to fit everyone into the venue. I'm certainly not looking forward to the seating chart. But the flip side is that because people are important to me, it's also the best part of planning the wedding. It's fun – and it allows our families, including our extended families, to take part in our lives like they haven't been able to before. Because I'm convinced more and more that this wedding isn't as much about us as much as it is about us and the people who matter to us, who will provide our support network throughout the years – which I think every marriage needs.

P.S. I can't believe Kate and Wills are upstaging us like this!

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Life Lessons

There are a few things that I wish were taught in school. But alas, I guess they will always really be best taught by experience. Here are the few that I have found most difficult to learn but also the most helpful to eventually discover.

No one can make you happy. It's not like the Disney movies. There is no happily ever after in relationships. There's no Snow White - The Sequel when she argues with Prince Charming over whose turn it is to do the dishes (although I guess they could just employ one of the seven dwarves?). I'm not saying being in a relationship isn't great, but I think my romantic relationships became much higher in quality when I realized that the purpose of having a partner isn't just to make me happy. That's no one's job but my own. How many times have you had a conversation with a friend (or seen one on TV) where they say something like, "I'm just not happy anymore," or "He just doesn't make me happy." It depends on the circumstances of course, but I think that this feeling of not being fulfilled by someone else is a red herring. It took a lot of growing up for me to realize that until I was ready to face my own shortcomings, being in a good relationship was nearly impossible.

It takes at least a year to get used to anything new. I used to think a year was such a long time (ha!). My first year in England was incredibly hard. But it might have had less turmoil if I had been easier on myself and just tried to enjoy it. I was a mess, and I really wanted to find a man to make me happier (see life lesson one again). As my aunt used to say, you need to be somewhere for all four seasons before you know if you really like something. This can apply to places, jobs, even people. And it doesn't work to look for someone or something else to make you happy. Relax a bit and try to enjoy the ride when something is new – even if it's a little bumpy.

It takes at least three years to get good at a job. I really really wish someone had told me this a long time ago. When I was a journalist it was so easy to hop around to different beats every year or two years, and so that's exactly what I did. And when things got frustrating, I always wanted to jump ship. I'm not saying there isn't a time to leave a job. Tough is OK, crying in the bathrooms on a very frequent basis is not. That's when it's time to look for another job (important life lesson as well). In those cases, it is also a good time to examine why it might not the right job for you and realize that no amount of difficulty is worth it.

But generally, sticking things out can be a good thing. At most jobs, it takes time to prove your worth and win responsibility. Everyone knows the expression 'Rome wasn't built in a day' but no one really believes it. Our society is geared towards instant gratification, but the truth is that you have to work at something to get good at it. Staying with a job for a while also gives you time to sort out what you like to do and are good at within an organization and the direction you want to take when you're ready for your next position (either within the company or somewhere else).

People are different. I know this sounds like, yeah, duh, people are different. But one could be forgiven for thinking otherwise with the way our society often dictates how people conduct their lives. "Why aren't you married, why don't you have kids?" are questions that plague those who make other choices. From the clothes we wear to the jobs we do, those who try to be different are often stigmatized. But all you have to do is look at your own friends to see how different people are. Even within groups that you'd expect to be somewhat homogeneous not everyone likes to do the same social activities, watch the same movies or get up at the same time in the morning. But we're always comparing ourselves with others. Maybe admitting that we're all a little different to begin with would give us the freedom to be OK with the choices we'd like to make.

Does anyone else have important life lessons they learned 'on the job', so to speak?
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