T.V. Yoga

You haven't heard of T.V. Yoga?

That's probably because I've just created it. Yes, I'm now the kind of person who creates new types of yoga.

This statement could be misleading, however, as it's not an actual yoga series -- but it's something I'm doing that's working for me at the moment, so thought I would share.

I am clearly not a yoga teacher, professional or anything of the sort. But I am a student of yoga, and here is the potted history of my yoga experience:

• I practiced Bikram yoga (the really hot kind, and the controversial kind) for over 10 years before I gave it up, mainly due the heat and all the sweating, which I don't think was good for some specific health issues I have. But I did really love it and wish there was a studio in London that taught it without the heat. I also wish I was able to exercise regularly at home (I'm not), because I have the CDs and have occasionally done the series without the heat. 
• I've been to numerous yoga classes at various gyms. And some at studios. I've had one personal yoga class with my friend's sister who is a yoga teacher. That same friend brought me to a yin yoga class in San Francisco. And I even did yoga on the beach last summer (which was amazing). 
• I've read a few books on yoga. I've edited a book on yoga. 
• I meditate (most) days (even if it is for very short periods of time!). This is the original yoga, by the way. 

Over the past few years, I have struggled to find a new yoga routine that fits into my life. The yoga studio near our house doesn't have any times that work in my schedule. My gym has so few classes that none of them work for me either. And there's even a free class at my office -- a free class! -- once a week, and although I have been a few times and really liked it, it's just scheduled at a really bad time work-wise for me.

And until I can find my own personal yoga teacher who will come to my house and teach me (this is a dream of mine) and also convince the Hub that this is a good use of our "funds", I am making due with what I like to call T.V. Yoga.

At the end of a long day, after sitting at the office, while the Hub and I watch one of the many gripping T.V. shows we have to choose from in the evening, I roll out my yoga mat and do some postures. I am not saying this is technically exercise, but it is movement, and instead of feeling like a brain in a lump watching the boob tube (as my Dad lovingly refers to it), I do start to feel like I am living in my actual physical body again. Which is after all, the point of yoga (it does technically means "union").

I'm not saying this is a substitute for a real yoga class. Or something a beginner should try (it's not like I'm a yoga expert, but I do know many postures and how to do them safely). But for now, I am making due and I think some yoga is better than no yoga.

While we're on the subject, if you're interested in learning more about yoga, I highly recommend a recent book I've read by Cinnamon Kennedy (an actual yoga teacher), called Why Yoga Works.

On a more hopeful note, there is a new yoga studio in my neighborhood that has opened up, so let's see if that could work better for me. Or maybe someone will read this and offer to come to my house to teach me? Although, chances are, they probably won't let me watch T.V. during class.

Photo credit: wuestenigel Lotus Pose (Padmasana) via photopin (license)

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Yoga For Knees

Last time I went to see Super Physio she told me I really needed to do my knee exercises -- that she could "see" some sore knees in my future. And a few weeks ago, I wondered if she was in fact psychic, because out of the blue I started to get twinges of pain below my kneecaps.

Turns out she's not psychic. She's just an excellent physio who can see these things coming from a mile away. I've been so much better pain-wise recently, which is a whole topic for another post (I'm just trying to figure out how to write it without sounding more loony than usual), that she could see that I might start upping the activity on other fronts. And after my month of sitting on my bum trying to write a novel, I scuttled off last week to three yoga classes, which made me realize why it was that my knees were getting sore.

Before I reveal this exciting piece of information, let's go back a step. One of the reasons that I have had such a struggle with my body over the past decade or so, is that I'm hypermobile, which is a fancy way of saying very flexible. And contrary to popular belief, being very flexible isn't a good thing. Being incredibly stiff creates problems as well, but being hypermobile means that you have longer ligaments than the average person. This means that you need to have more muscle strength to control and support joint movements. (If you want to read in more detail about my posture and pain struggles , it's all properly explained in The Whole Story.)

When I tell people that I practice yoga, many say, "Oh, I couldn't do that -- I'm not flexible at all." But they're very wrong. Yoga is actually much safer when you not flexible. When I do yoga, I spend the whole class trying not to go too deep into the postures that are easy for me, and focus instead on building up my muscle strength. But what I didn't realize was that I was actually hyper-extending my knee during class. When the teachers say "lock your knee," what they really mean is pull up on your quadriceps muscle, which locks your knee cap into place and keeps the joint safe. But I can easily lock my knee by hyper-extending through the joint, without switching on my quadriceps muscle: Something that I also realized is a habit for me while standing. And although this hasn't been much of a problem in the past few years, (I've had bigger fish to fry in my neck and back) over time, it will become a problem.

I saw Super Physio a few days ago and we discussed this. She also explained to me that when I do the exercises for my knees (called "static quads") that I am hyper-extending through the joint. So why is this O.K.? Because they are non-weight-bearing exercises and also because my quadriceps muscle, and all my muscles for that matter, need to be strong enough to bring the joint through full moment in a controlled manner, otherwise, the joint is unstable.

It's so complicated!

Which reminded me again about the fact that our society could avoid spending so much money on knee and hip replacements and time off work due to back and neck pain, if only people really understood proper posture and physiology. It is complicated, but it's not rocket science. I really need to keep bugging her and her business partner to write their book! (If you go see one of them as well -- as many of you readers do, please do the same.)

Before they write their bestseller, what to do in the meantime, if you want to improve your posture? If you live in London, ask me for their number. It's possible -- and much easier in fact -- to improve your posture before you end up in pain. But otherwise, I still think that Bikram yoga is the best exercise I've come across to improve alignment and muscle strength. And it's truly a beginner's series with no weight bearing exercises on your upper body, which can be a recipe for disaster. But you really have to listen to what the teachers say; Even with everything I know about my body, I was not paying enough attention when it came to my knees. Most studios now provide beginner workshops, which I think is a really good thing, as there's a lot to take in at first in a voice-led class.

For now, my yoga practice is all about the knees. Although Bikram, if you're listening, please change the dialogue to "pull up on the knees, pull up on the knees." The command to lock the knees clearly isn't a helpful phrase for us bendy people.

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Not An Epic Success, But Still

So I didn't reach the goal. I didn't write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November, as part of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. But I did write 33,637 words and seven chapters of my very first novel in one month, which I am more than happy with. It's probably the longest piece of work I've ever written, and although I haven't yet gone back to re-read it to see how it turned out, I feel as though I learned some things:

• Trying to write a novel in a month makes you unbelievably more efficient at doing other things, such as replying to emails, ordering groceries, and shockingly for me, being able to get out of bed earlier on a Saturday or Sunday. 
• It is fun to change fonts, but it doesn't cure writer's block or make you write any better.
• It was easier to get scenes written when I slowed down and tried not to rush, letting everything unfold in a leisurely manner. I wanted to treat it like a race, but that didn't work.
• The way you think the story will unfold is often not how it does. I didn't really have a true plot at first (even though I thought I did), and the only way I came up with one was by just letting the characters and the situation develop.
• For me, it was very difficult to get anything done on a workday. I was just too spent by the evening and I often get up early to get my paid work done with a clear head, so there was no time in the early morning. If it's essential to write every single day to become a better writer, then I'm going to have to set a very low word count goal, like 100-200 words, or a short time frame, like 30 minutes. But writing for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday morning was most satisfying and it was much easier to get into a rhythm. Maybe I can be a weekend writer?
• Stale strawberry Twizzlers taste remarkably good when the alternative is writing another 1,000 words.

I am still planning to finish my first novel attempt. And I should probably set a goal to keep moving it ahead, although I still haven't quite decided what this will be. I think for now I need to get started on my Christmas shopping. Also, I spent a lot of time sitting in November, and especially toward the end I let things like my yoga classes slide (oops), which I find is not good for my state of mind, particularly at this time of year when it's only light for what seems like a few hours a day. But the good news is how little pain my sedentary month caused. I can't wait to tell Super Physio when I go for a check in later this month, how well my neck/shoulders/back help up under the strain of trying to write a novel in a month. It just goes to show that with being stronger and my posture fixed, my recent pain flare ups may be linked more to stress than anything else. Yet another thing I learned this past month.

But the most important thing I learned doing NaNoWriMo was that I actually enjoyed trying to write a novel. Whether it's any good, is another story, but at least I enjoyed the process, which is encouraging.

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Procrastination, Like Death And Taxes

Do you know people who don't procrastinate?

I know a few, and they are very annoying. They are the kind of people who did their homework the minute they walked in the door, or get their taxes filed ahead of time. I suppose one of the reasons I took relatively well to journalism was that it's the kind of job that prevented procrastination. At least at the day or hour of deadline.

But I've always known deep down that people who don't procrastinate suffer from less stress. So I've been searching ages for a way to stop the madness, and make life a little easier. I'm probably shouldn't admit it, but I've read whole books on the subject.

And I know I'm not alone -- in procrastinating, that is (not reading books about it). It's inevitable, like death and taxes. Everyone's got the thing they procrastinate about. And people always tell me that there are things they badly want or need to do -- so why can't they just get on with it?

I wanted to share something groundbreaking I just stumbled upon. I was reading a book by Oliver Burkeman, called The Antidote (which, ironically, I will review some other time). There's a section where he reveals an awkard truth about procrastination. He says:

The problem is that feeling like acting and actually acting are two different things. A person mired deep in procrastination might claim he is unable to work, but what really means is that he is unable to make himself feel like working.

And so the problem really lies in the misconception that in order to do something you actually have to feel like doing it. And that is a real problem. How often do we feel like doing admin tasks or going to the gym? Or even going to work?

Which leads me to the conclusion that in order to get anything really productive done I either need to be required to do it (going to work) or have a deadline (taxes). But I think there are a few other options:

Habits. If you want to do something on a regular basis or for the long term, like work out, write or learn how to sail, you have to build a structure around it. I've experienced this with the habit I've formed of going to yoga on a Sunday. Sometimes I wake up on a Sunday and think, I don't really feel like going to yoga today. But then, I realize that it's Sunday, and going to yoga is just what I do.

And I'm sure if you have any interest in writing you've been told about how all those famous writers wrote a certain number of words or worked for a certain number of hours in a day. Beause that's how work gets done.

The other option is non-attachment. And that's when you tell yourself something like this: So you don't feel like it? Too bad. And then you do it anyway, and once you start, usually everything is fine. That's when I find it's good to focus on the physical. For example, if I need to write something I'll focus first on opening up Word. That's all I'm doing, opening up Word!

I hope you'll find this little bit of insight on procrastination as valuable as I have. It hasn't helped me get my U.S. taxes done yet, but here's hoping.

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2

Routines (Again)

I've written before about how routines can be calming for those who suffer from anxiety. But as I've discovered in recent weeks, routines can also be essential for just getting your weekly 'stuff' done. As I mentioned earlier this week, in my first post back in a while, I've got a new role at work. It's a good thing, I think, long-term, but in the short-term, it's completely wrecking havoc with my weekly routine.

In addition to the fact that I just have more work to accomplish, I am also more tired and stressed and unable to concentrate on much else during the weekdays. So when it comes to things like doing our weekly online grocery shop, exercising and blogging, the old way just isn't working anymore.

Emails are going unanswered and the Hub is wondering why suddenly there is no food in the house (thank goodness for our local Chinese and pizza place – although I am sure our sodium levels are through the roof). My role change also resulted in a desk move and I accepted (foolishly) new monitors that couldn't be adjusted to the right height. My neck and shoulders were not happy and it took a few weeks (and some begging and pleading) to locate some better monitors. My body is still recovering from the strain.

This post is not meant to be a whining session, but a look at how we sometimes feel like we aren't going anywhere fast or getting things accomplished. But in fact, it takes a break in routine to realize just how much we were already getting done.

I've been playing around with getting into a new weekly schedule. My first line of attack is to try to shift my exercising to the weekdays – yoga on Sundays was great for me and worked really well, but I think I now need Sundays for writing – an activity which I don't have the energy for after a long day at work. Swimming, I was already starting to do after work, and in fact, that may serve me even better now as it's a good excuse to get up from my desk and leave the building – even if I feel like I have more to get done. It should also (hopefully) keep me focused on accomplishing enough daily to get to the pool at a decent time.

Obviously my job is very important, but I can't neglect my health and I've come too far with all my physio work to fall back into neck and back pain from working hours that are too long and at the same time not progressing with other exercise. And, well, if you're reading this blog, you must also know how important Mind, Body & Scroll has become to me in the past year as a way to work on my non-work writing. It's one of the last things I want to let slide.

And, as for the groceries, I'm sure the Hub will be happy when I have worked out a way for us to eat properly again. Dominos' shareholders, however, may not be as delighted.

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1

Physio For Life?

Often, when I tell people about everything I've gone through on the physio (physical therapy) front, they ask me if I will have to do my physio exercises forever.

The answer is yes and no. It really depends.

When you have a muscle imbalance problem, the first order of action is to fix it. This is done using a series of exercises that strengthen the muscles that are too weak and stretch out the muscles that are too tight. The really good exercises work a charm at doing both (for more detailed info, you can read The Whole Story).

Once your muscles are in the right balance using the specific physio exercises, then you can move on to doing more normal physical activities – for me swimming and yoga right now – and those muscles that are now strong get even stronger. In many cases you don't need to do certain physio exercises because they have just become too easy – you are essentially too strong to do them anymore.

I was talking to someone I know about this and she challenged me, saying that she could do her physio exercises until the cows come home but because she sits at a desk all day it undoes all the effort.

Sitting at a desk is bad for your posture. In fact, it's what did me in in the first place. However, now that my muscles are in the right balance, I can pretty much sit at my desk 9 to 5 ish with the correct posture. When you are strong enough, your posture cannot be thrown, unless certain things happen, and this is where the 'it depends' comes into the equation. If you are extremely stressed or working super long hours, then you might not be able to sit up straight. You might find your shoulders creeping up around your ears as you rush to finish that report that is due. Or your back hunching over in exhaustion. Because, after all, your body is not a machine. During times like these, I do need to do my physio exercises to stretch myself out again.

But, over time, I will gradually reduce the frequency of my exercises. I will probably always check that I can do certain exercises required for strength. And I may need to do some of my neck exercises on days where things are stressy at work or if I have a cold, which tends to tighten up your neck because your glands get swollen (I bet you didn't know that!).

If your physio is a good one, they should correct the problem for the long run. And give you the tools to keep the body a well-oiled machine when activity spikes for whatever reason – perhaps stress that's out of your control or even learning a new type of exercise. As much as I love having the excuse to watch whatever I want on TV while I run through my basic set of exercises, I am now testing my ability to go for a short period of time without doing them. First every other day, then every three days and so on. Everyone's body is truly different, so I may need to do them once a week or I may only have to do them once a month. Or perhaps I will prefer to keep doing a few each day, just because I won't have to ever worry about being stiff even if I get stressed and busy. Figuring out what is right for my body (and mind) is truly the next challenge in my rehabilitation process.

So as for most things in life, it all depends. But at least I am safe in the knowledge that I have fixed my posture for the long-run, which is a big relief considering that life can really throw anything our way.

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2

Routines

What is it about routines? Why is it that even something nice like a bank holiday on a Monday throwing off my routine can make me feel a little icky, a little unsettled?

In my early 20s I discovered that I was having panic attacks. I wasn't sure what to call them and didn't even know that they had a name, in fact. The only 'mind problem' I was aware of was depression. But I didn't feel sad. I was just having moments of sheer utter panic for no apparent reason. Sometimes it would happen late at night while I was awake lying in bed, or on the subway going to my art class downtown. I knew something wasn't right, and looking back I even remembered having some attacks when I was very young.

Eventually I did something about it. I went to see a psychologist and had sessions with her for about two years. I learned what a panic attack was, that they were actually very common, and she taught me some techniques for dealing with them. Doing some therapy was a great experience actually. I think everyone should do it at some point in their life – it's like taking a continuing education course – on yourself. As long as you are ready to work, because facing your own demons ain't always pretty.

I truly believe that people's general anxiety levels are set pretty early on. And I am a worrier. Give me a spare moment and I will come up with something to worry about. My parents used to call this my 'overactive imagination', like it was something good or at least interesting. But when you draw pictures age five of giant blue monsters that tower over the end of your bed, I do wonder.

As I talked about in my post Baby 19, there is some scientific evidence out there to back up my anecdotal evidence (my own observation of myself) that we don't have much control over our anxiety levels.

But what we do have is control over is how we cope with our anxiety.

I was given a great cognitive behavioural technique (CBT) by my therapist back in the day that helps if I do find myself having panic attacks. But I find these days I don't need it so much as I've developed other coping mechanisms. In fact, I don't have many panic attacks anymore.

One of the most helpful things is just knowing my triggers. Holidays (sad, but true), routines being broken, extreme work stress (particularly working late at night), lack of exercise, too much time alone, not enough time alone (ironically) and abundant amounts of drinking. Alcohol may soothe the anxiety short-term but a build up of cocktails – no matter how nice that cosmopolitan tastes – isn't helpful.

Exercise helps, especially taking long walks and yoga. Writing helps too. Having a place where I can fully discuss things that emerge from my 'overactive imagination' (such as Shrapnelphobia) is a Godsend (so thank you, MB&S readers, for listening). But mostly, knowing that my anxiety is normal for me and will happen at certain times, allows me to just hang on and live through it. I know it doesn't feel particularly nice, but I know it won't kill me and that it will pass eventually.

I don't know, I think I'm not alone in suffering from anxiety – the world can be a pretty sad and scary place sometimes. And people do seem to love their routines, and things I feel are helpful too, like exercise or meditation. We all need our coping mechanisms. Do you suffer from any kind of anxiety? How do you cope?

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Balance: Not A 'Nice To Have'

Balance is essential. When I began thinking about this month's word – balance – as part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series, I couldn't think of a metaphor. Until I realized it was staring me right in the face – it's one of the reasons that I actually started this blog.

When I was suffering with extreme pain in my arms and neck (what is typically called RSI), what I was really suffering from was a muscle imbalance. So even the name told me that it was a lack of balance causing me pain.

My problem was caused by poor posture – some muscles being too strong and others not enough. My entire body was out of whack (if you're interested in all the gory details, read The Whole Story).

So balance is necessary for the body, but it's also key for the mind. And that's because, to me, balance is all about sustainability. When I think about making any change in my life, I always ask myself if it is sustainable. The Hub was laughing at me the other night as I told him I needed to start getting up at 6.30 a.m. again when we were back from our vacation (I have been pretty relaxed about mornings lately and for various reasons need to shape up a bit). He said that I'm always saying that, but when he leaves for work in the morning I'm still snoring away.

Fair point. But 6.30 a.m., I know I can do, 6 a.m. – not so much. Any earlier than 6.30 a.m. and I crash and burn later in the week. It's not really sustainable.

It's like with exercise. In January, my Bikram yoga studio was so packed – even on a Sunday afternoon – that it was hard to move. Such was the crush of people wanting to get in shape and excise the demons of the Christmas period.

The New Year's resolution pack doesn't really get it. Since October, I've been going to yoga once per week without fail (except for once or twice). And I'm pretty sure I've clocked up more hours than those people who attend class three times per week for the first few weeks of the year, only to get burned out and lose interest.

Once a week doesn't seem like much, but over time it can make a difference to your life. And you can build up from there – I've now started practicing twice a week. And it seemed like a natural progression, not something I was forcing myself to do.

Balance is the middle ground. It's not the ideal and it's not total chaos. For me, there can be a lot of unhappiness in stretching for the ideal. I try every day to remember that it's better to get something done, instead of doing it perfectly.

There are, however, times when your life isn't balanced. Sometimes you don't have a choice. There are people who need to give up whole food groups due to a food allergy. Or when you have a newborn, there's not a lot of time for anything else. There are people who find themselves in a work situation where there isn't an immediate way out and they have to devote a lot more time and energy to that than they'd like. And when I had so much pain in my arms and hands that I could barely type or pick things up, I couldn't really opt out of doing physio exercises for nearly an hour a day.

But realizing that there are times when balance will be impossible should make it all the more imperative to try to practice it now. And it's not a 'nice to have' – it's a necessity. Because otherwise how can you manage everything in life (your house, your body, your food, your schedule, your relationships) without going berserk? You can try to live in the middle ground – where life is sustainable. Because ironically, with sustainability, usually comes change and growth.

This post was part of this month’s Self-Discovery Word by Word Series. To find out more, or to participate, click here to read Myrite at Tasty Life's kick-off post.

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Shrapnelphobia

I'm glad that I didn't know I was going to have an MRI scan yesterday until about an hour before I did. There was no time to discuss it with friends or look it up on the Internet – in other words, no time to fret. Because I'll tell you this, I had enough to worry about when I was actually having the MRI. Extra time to create dreaded scenarios would not have been a good thing.

My first thought? Being put into this type of contraption is definitely what would happen to me if I was ever abducted. This is an amazing way to torture someone – it's just like being buried alive in a space capsule. And I wonder why I was breathing so heavy during my first five minutes in there.

I was also sure there must be some shrapnel in my body that I didn't know about. Before the scan they ask you about all the foreign objects that could be in your body. Dental work, IUDs, metal shavings in your eyes (say what?), and of course, shrapnel. What if I have some shrapnel that I'm not aware of? Secret shrapnel. At one point my knee hurt and I was sure it was because some sort of metal was going to work its way out, like in Alien.

The MRI was loud and long – even though technically, it was only 20 minutes. I did lots of slow breathing and pretending I was in Bikram yoga, comforting myself that at least I wasn't also sweating my brains out. But I swear I could feel the liquid in my body sloshing around due to the magnets moving around my body. And I really have never thought I was claustrophobic, but apparently I am and maybe have some other phobias I also wasn't aware of, like shrapnelphobia.

Of course I was cool as a cucumber on the outside, joking with the radiologists about Grey's Anatomy. This is typical of me. No one believes I'm as anxious as I am. "But you are so calm," they always comment. Honestly, I don't know why this is. Perhaps it is one of my superpowers, the other one being my ability to eat more cheese in one sitting than should be legal (all without an ounce of tummyache).

The day started out nice enough. I went to my spinal surgeon appointment (for the background to this story, click here). And even though he actually made me wait for an hour to see him, he was so nice that I felt guilty and easily forgave him.

After listening to my story about the back pain that has persisted on and off since a year ago and examining me (in addition to reading the detailed letter from Super Physio), he said that my symptoms – where the pain comes and goes, often getting better only to get worse again – was consistent with a disc problem. My heart sank. I was hoping he would say the opposite, such as: "No need to get a scan, you sound fine!"

But no, he said we would get an MRI done and take a look at my spine. He added that typically we'd see a bit of damage to my spine anyway, considering I was born in 1976 and it was now 2011 (his exact words – I like the way he phrased it). Over the years it sees quite a bit of wear and tear, he explained, which is kind of amazing as I'm only 35 – what would an 80-year-old spine look like? Or do you see most of the damage in the first 30 years? (Something to investigate, perhaps)

I am kept quite calm by the fact that my physio sent me to a surgeon who she considers is not "knife happy" (her words). Also, that she thinks the most likely scenario would be a shot of cortisone to calm down the inflammation and then continue with the physio I've already been doing. And what the surgeon said, finally, was that we would look at the MRI scan to see how to make my physio work "most effective". That didn't sound like someone prepared to cut into me.

Luckily, I am seeing him on Monday, so will know quite soon what the scan shows. In the meantime I've been going to yoga and trying not to think about it (not really working). But I have to say, if there is a disc problem, I might actually feel happy, as this past year has been quite frustrating. Now that my neck/shoulders are behaving so beautifully and there's no more pain there, I could really do with having my back sorted out too. And the Hub – he'd really like to play tennis with me. It's a small thing, but it kind of represents the difficulty with the situation. There are tennis courts near our flat and it would be really nice to meet after work, hit the ball around a bit and then go get some dinner. It's the kind of thing that most people in their 30s can do without hesitation. It would be nice.

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2

Why I Pity My Friends

I pity my friends, I really do. If you're my friend and you're reading this, I hope you don't come up with a million reasons why before I actually tell you what I am talking about.

If you're my friend and you have a backache or your knees are giving out and you start complaining to me about it, you will soon wish you hadn't. Because, if you live in London (where I live), I don't really want to hear about it until you've gone to see my physiotherapist.

This may sound harsh, but when I first had debilitating pain in my arms and neck I had no idea what do to, where to go or what was happening. I even saw a crazy pseudo medical professional who tried everything under the sun except maybe voodoo and nothing worked (see The Whole Story). My friends, on the other hand, have the advantage of knowing someone who had done all the hard work, separated the wheat from the chaff and has found a really amazing physio who can actually fix people's aches and pains and also their posture for life.

I know it's expensive (not everyone has insurance here) and I know it's time consuming. No one wants to spend 30 minutes a day (or more!) on the floor trying to tighten their stomach muscles and push them straight to the floor (no matter what your problem is, everyone seems to have to do this exercise). But seriously, it's the only body you have. Think of it as an investment. And believe me, that pain in your back or your neck is probably not going to get better on its own. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but whatever you're doing with your walking or sitting that's causing it – you're not going to just stop doing it. You're not just magically going to be given the sudden gift of a full knowledge of the physiology of the human body. If you find another solution, great. And do tell me about it (there's never only one way). But if you're asking for my advice, this will be the advice you get.

Do you see why you should pity my friends? (At least 10 of them have gone to see my physio and they are actually pretty happy campers – although they probably won't comment and I will look even crazier!)

I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest because although I feel bad for being so preachy with my friends, I won't apologize for it. I only tell them what I tell them because I care and don't want them to end up in pain. I've been there and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.

****

So, if you're still reading and interested in last week's physio trip, where I went crawling back, as the pain in my lower right back isn't ceasing (see What I Can Do), here's the end of the story:

Super Physio thinks everything is probably fine. I probably pulled a muscle in yoga and then hopped around on it in Zumba, not giving it the proper rest it deserved. She pointed out that my right hip was mega tight – which was a result of the back pain and then also the cause of it not going away (see Hips Don't Lie for a full explanation of this).

However, there is a small possibility that there is some sort of damage to my spine. She thinks this because she is watching out for what is called 'reliability'. Is my back reliable? Right now, not so much. There was moving house last year when all the trouble began, but there was also the fall down the stairs pre-wedding. But for the past year my back has been getting better and then it relapses, so this is something to take into account when managing my treatment.

Damage to my spine would be rather unfortunate. She did seem quite relaxed about this possibility, but we still decided I should get a scan of my back – just to be absolutely sure. So now I am engaged in the admin of getting the appointment, referral, approval from my insurance provider. You know the rigmarole.

At least I'm still allowed to do yoga. And walk. I'll keep you posted but please keep your fingers crossed for me.

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What I Can Do

I've been feeling a bit bummed that I have to go back to my physio today. Not that I don't like seeing her, but I was only discharged only about eight weeks ago and was hoping I'd be able to handle things on my own for a while. But then last week I broke down and called her as the pain on the right side of my lower back hasn't been calming down as quickly as I'd hoped.

One of the hardest things about being in physiotherapy is that you have to do lots of exercises. And they're not easy to always fit into your schedule. But another tough thing is that you can't always do all the other activities you like. Sometimes you have to explain why you aren't on the tennis court during your friend's grass court barbeque. You end up sitting on a bench telling someone about your struggles with your neck pain or your back pain instead of actually playing.

The good news is that it's possible to get better – the bad news is this takes time and patience, particularly if it's been a problem that you've had for a while.

I've noticed recently that when it comes to exercise, I often focus on what it is I can't do – which creates frustration and struggle. Instead of being happy that I can walk and go to yoga I can't stop thinking about how things would be so much better if I could go swimming, play golf or tennis or go to Zumba.

And it made me realize, this is what unhappiness is all about. When you want to be doing something you're not and when there's something better out there that you desire, it's impossible to be happy.

It's a very simple thing, but wanting to play tennis when I can't isn't doing me much good. And throughout the last six years when I was really struggling with becoming pain free (which I mostly am now), I was constantly waiting for the day when I was 'better', when life would begin, when I would be happy again. Not that I wasn't ever happy, but when it came to my body, I was engaged in a constant struggle. And this wasn't only because of the pain (although sometimes it was the pain – ouch!), it was because I was focusing on what my body couldn't do. And I wonder how much more quickly I would have gotten better if I hadn't fought things so much. If I would have rested more and respected my body for where it was at that moment, instead of yearning for where it was I wanted to be.

That's in the past now, but I can certainly learn a lesson from it. As I go back to see Super Physio today I need to accept whatever it is I need to do right now at this moment to get the pain in my lower back sorted out. I'm afraid she'll tell me I can't go to yoga for a while. And afraid that she'll say that it will be months and months until I can take an aerobics class again. But I'm going to try to accept whatever it is my body can do right now at this time – because anything else isn't doing me any good.

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Beauty: Owning It

Celebrating beauty is not a new thing. But the modern age gives us much more exposure to images of beauty as well as more opportunities for superficial interaction with people. Take the film The Social Network, where Mark Zuckerberg's inspiration for creating the company that is now facebook – today an integral part of our social media environment – was a program he wrote called facemash, where people could compare photos of two women and click on the most attractive one.

We are hardwired to seek out attractiveness. Watch any science program on sex or mating and you will find that men prefer women to have symmetric faces and features that indicate fertility (like bright eyes and good skin). There is even a hip to waist ratio which indicates optimal fertility. So we are hardwired to ensure the survival of our species. However, life is a bit more interesting than that.

Attractiveness is not the same as beauty. When I sit in a darkened theatre watching a movie (which happens more often than not on a Sunday evening for myself and the Hub), I often think about how most A-list actresses are so similar. Not only are they extremely thin and always pretty but they also have very similar body types – big boobs (but not too big), a small waist and curvy hips (but of course not too curvy).

But before I go to the movies I usually go to yoga. And things are different there. You've got a room full of really sweaty men and women (I do Bikram), wearing very little clothing, due to the excessive heat (104 degrees Fahrenheit). If you really want to see how much variety there is in the human form, go to a Bikram class. Not only are there a collection of sizes there, but also you can really start to understand that no one has exactly the same frame or proportions. Some people have really long legs and some people have shorter ones. Torsos are different sizes, waists are of different proportions and even necks are shorter or longer. But yet, everyone is using their body to the best of their ability and striving to increase their strength or their flexibility the best that they can. And despite the beginners flailing around and not really listening to the teacher, you know at some point they will get it and start to understand their body and struggle less.

I love seeing how everyone is different, but their bodies still move in sync, all together as one. Despite the sweat and the heat and sometimes the real loss of composure, the real variety of people is a beautiful sight.

Beauty is about individuality and being truly who you are. Not only owning your short wide hips, but also your tastes and abilities and the stylistic things that define you.

There's a television presenter here in the U.K. who I love. She's called Kirstie Allsop and she presents a show (along with someone called Phil Spencer) about real estate, called Location, Location, Location. It's been going for 10 years here and it's really popular.

I'm going to sound like a stalker here, but Kirstie epitomizes what real beauty is to me. Of all the women on TV, she's always stuck to her own style and exudes confidence. She's got a womanly body and wears fabulous dresses and skirts and suits and coats – she never wears trousers – because that's what looks good on her and it's her distinct style. She owns it.

True beauty to me is having the confidence to be yourself. And we all have the capacity to do this, but we have to stand up for ourselves and own it. Because people are more than a snapshot on a computer screen – and thank goodness for that.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series and this month's word was chosen by Val at Balancing Val. Click here to read her kick-off post and find out how to participate.

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Taking The Wheel

You don't need to be in physiotherapy for six years to know that a ping in your back during a yoga pose – while standing on one leg – is not a good thing.

I've been discharged from my physio (for the third time) for about six weeks now and I've already managed to be in a position again where I'm wondering if I should go running back.

The head is swirling with all sorts of 'what ifs'. What if I've done irreparable damage? What if I'm doing all the wrong things to fix said 'ping' and have totally misinterpreted my symptoms – that I've actually learned absolutely nothing in the past six years? What if I do go back and she says that I have serious problems and should probably just live in a padded room for the rest of my life where I can't fall down any more stairs or pull any muscles? (Did I mention that I fell down the stairs three weeks before our wedding?)

I'm trying to stay calm. And I'm managing it so-so.

I've already made one mistake in my 'ping' treatment. I kept going to Zumba. For those not in the know, Zumba is a dance-based exercise class, which involves a lot of fun hip shaking and jumping around. I thought maybe it was helping as I was at least moving my back and I was keeping it all pretty low impact. But then last Saturday, after two sessions of Zumba during the week, my back was pretty beat. I had to spend all day on the couch lying down watching Wimbledon and drinking lemonade (which wasn't so bad).

So I started thinking that maybe Zumba wasn't really the best idea. I pondered going in to see Super Physio, but then again, I probably already know what she would say: Do my exercises, don't hop around on it (for Chrissake!) and take some ibuprofen. I think yoga is still OK to do – although this is where I get on shaky ground. As you can see from my Zumba misstep, I tend to overestimate how much I'm capable of.

But I went to yoga on Thursday night and the heat plus all the spine movement allowed me to get to the really sore bit when I did do my physio exercises later in the evening. It was a little alarming just how sore it was, but at least it actually moved.

I think I'm going to give it one more week. I'll keep doing what I think is right and see what happens. It's a safety net after all – I don't have to go it alone – I have the resource if I need it. But I'd also really like to sort this out myself, and take the wheel, if at all humanly possible. It would be nice to be in the driving seat of this body – it's been a long road.

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Book Review: Poser – My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses

It's very clever. A book about yoga, that's not really about yoga. Claire Dederer writes a memoir told through 23 yoga postures – an incredibly savvy marketing technique because everyone is interested in yoga these days. And I'm glad the marketing ensnared me, anyway, as I probably wouldn't have picked up a memoir about motherhood in Seattle in the 1990s.

Dederer tells the story of being a young mother, trying to do everything 'right' and how yoga helped her to realize that life is more about being real and joyful than being 'good'. She weaves in her own mother's story – and that of her mother's contemporaries – a group of women who in the 1970s decided they had been sold a bum deal with the whole marriage and motherhood thing, and fled their husbands in a sort of mass migration.

I found it striking that every generation has its backlash and new ideal. For Dederer and her contemporaries, being a good mother and staying married became the ultimate antidote to what they perceived as their own mothers' familial betrayal. And it involved a heck of a lot of cloth diapers and wooden toys from Europe. Only a decade or so later and I think there are a lot of women who will identify with this. Although I'm not a mother, I have plenty of friends who are and I observe their struggle to do things 'right' – stories of women in their area who have a strict 'schedule' for their babies and can't get together at certain times because they are beholden to it. There's also a lot of guilt going around about breast feeding – or more accurately when there's a lack of it.

Dederer is brutally honest – the main component, I believe, of a great memoir. And she addresses some of the key questions of our time: what defines family and what really matters in life. I found the perspective she comes to in the end about her marriage and her husband's depression enlightening as well (mainly it's OK and doesn't need to be 'fixed'). Which made me think that maybe my contemporaries' main obsession – of trying to be 'perfect' – is not far removed from Dederer's own age group's obsession of being 'good'. Perfection these days is de rigueur, whether it refers to looks, size, relationships or real estate.

There's a lot of talk of yoga thrown in, which was quite interesting from my perspective as I only practice one kind and am keen to learn more about yoga in general. I was surprised at the depth of this memoir as from the outside cover one would be forgiven for thinking it's about yoga, and maybe shopping or wine (some sort of melange of Sex and the City and triangle pose), which certainly doesn't do the book justice. But that's marketing for you. And to be fair, using yoga to structure the book does work well. After all, you can write a great book, but you still have to get people to read it.

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Our Bodies, Ourselves

I am trying really hard not to freak out. It's surreal that the wedding is now less than four weeks away and the days are flying by despite my best attempts to stop the clock. How is it possible that there's so many itty bitty things to do right now? How long does it take to pick up a veil? Decide how many of the cupcakes will be red velvet? But I still have to schedule it in somehow.

I went to yoga on Sunday night. I needed it big time. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have this new tool for when I'm feeling stressed or a little down, or just disconnected with myself.

As I worked through the postures in the hot room I finally started to get it. I don't know very much about yoga in general, but I do know there are many different kinds. And despite this, I would think this one thread runs through them all. Somewhere in the midst of all the sweat and the other bodies in the room, I started to just feel like it was me and my body. How could I think/worry about anything else when I was just moving through the postures, breathing?

So often I feel disconnected from my body. I may have mentioned this before, but I am such a 'thinker', so inside my own head that I sometimes forget that I'm an actual physical creature. I'm not just a little thought bubble floating from place to place. But how could I forget that when for so many years my body – and the pain I was experiencing – affected me to such a degree that I had trouble working, sleeping, sitting and doing just about anything (if you're new to my blog, check out the About This Blog section or The Whole Story for the background).

It's so easy to be cruel to our bodies. Poke at them, wish they were just a little bit more this or that (taller? thinner? bustier? name your poison). We can easily work them too hard. And in this day and age it's so easy to confuse taking care of your body with punishing it. No one does things by half anymore.

But I have to say, my mind felt so much lighter and less sandy after doing my grueling 90 minutes. I know this may all be chemical but it made me think about how moving and connecting with our bodies is essential for staying in the present moment. Everyone has to find their own form of exercise, but anything where you can focus on the fact that you're a physical being, at least for me, helps me to keep everything in perspective. I may not be squeezing in any meditation right now but the yoga is at least helping me keep two feet on the earth and at least attempting to ground my overactive brain.

It would be easy to forget to take care of myself right now, but I've learned too much over the past few years to do that. Hence the more frequent physio trips pre-wedding and prioritizing yoga (including scheduling in an extra session per week not as an edict to go – just in case I need to go). Hopefully this will all help me to remember to breathe, if nothing else.

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Calendar And Control

The other night over Thai food Future Hub looked at me and said, "We're in countdown mode, aren't we?"

Soon he will just be the Hub (gasp!).

We proceeded to spend the rest of the dinner verbally checking things off, sorting out our schedule, trying to figure out when we'd have time to complete the laundry list. We aren't discussing our lives anymore, but one event. It's a little like the weeks before we exchanged (closed) on our flat last year. Every night after work we went through the checklist of what needed to get done. In some ways living like this is unbearable – in other ways it's good, as I feel like we're in it together.

And there's the whole 'controlling the calendar element' to these days, which makes me feel calmer. As I add appointments into Google calendar I feel a sense of control – at least that there will be some sort of order to the weeks ahead. However, it struck me yesterday that this isn't much different from my regular life. Emails come in about planning things, emails go out. And then dates go in the diary. I move a yoga class from a Saturday to a Sunday. And thus my life is planned out, controlled, OK.

Some people are addicted to drugs, others food, others video games. I am addicted to planning. This addiction, like most, I assume, doesn't provide long-term happiness, but sustains me in some way as a quick fix. I get a buzz from seeing my future weeks so full and ordered.

I don't know. Part of me is alright with the planning – I am a social creature, I like to do things and go places, primarily with other people. And if you want to see anyone in London, believe me, you have to book ahead. I recently got an invitation for a 30th birthday party – in June.

But then again, what is it about empty space and the absence of a fixed plan that makes me feel so nervous?

This calendar obsession also dredges up memories of when I couldn't control my body at all due my neck and arm pain. When I was doing well and getting better I would schedule in exercise classes on my Outlook calendar, recurring appointments – a fantasy schedule, if you will. Maybe I thought if I used enough willpower and hope, I would make it to all those classes or pool swimming sessions.

But life isn't like that.

I'm contemplating trying to go back to a short daily meditation (10 minutes tops) as the weeks roll forward closer to the big day. I was planning (again, here we go) to try to go to yoga two times per week as a way to de-stress, but I'm not sure my body likes that idea.

In the spirit of my post on listening to myself, from earlier this week, I have asked my body what it thinks. Right now it's very cool with the rhythm we've got going of yoga, tap, Zumba – three distinct classes a week. It's quite happy, can handle it and isn't going to rebel. But I feel like it's whispering, "Go ahead, just try it lady, see what happens if you push me."

So I'm keeping it as a free option. I've blocked out Thursday nights in the old Google calendar in case I feel like going. For someone as controlling as me, that's a big step. Clearly.

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Pain Can Make You Ill

As well as just being, well, a pain, chronic pain can make you ill. I saw Super Physio last week and we were actually discussing how well everything was going with my body. This might sound like I'm bragging, but believe me, there have been many more visits when the discussion was quite the opposite. It's hard for me to believe how well things are going, in fact. I've now gone to yoga once a week for seven weeks straight with no shoulder/neck problems (which is a world record for me at this point) and my back is pain free again.

As SP and I chatted, we were marveling at the fact that I hadn't been ill for ages (apart from a sore throat a few weeks ago that I can't be sure wasn't caused by getting the flu shot!). And she pointed out to me that another contributor to my better general health – apart from the tonsils coming out – is likely to be my lack of chronic pain.

Chronic pain is an ugly, nasty thing. First, it makes you very cranky. I read a posting on Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project some time ago and made a note of it because it really struck a chord with me. It's called 7 Tips For Dealing With A Sweetheart Who Is Constantly Crabby. Tip #6 is: Is your sweetheart crabby due to chronic pain?

I'm sure Future Hub could have used some commiseration when he was dealing with me in a lot of pain (I am, by the way, so grateful for his support over the last five years, particularly when things were really bad – I probably don't tell him that enough).

Rubin says:

I had excruciating back pain that was substantially relieved after I saw the physical therapist that my father-in-law had been recommending for months. Of course, sadly, chronic pain often doesn’t have an easy solution. But whatever the problem is, it’s worth trying to address it. Sometimes we need a little push to seek help.

I am cheered by the fact that she saw a physiotherapist (physical therapist in American English) who helped her. As we know, there are lots of practitioners out there who don't help people and, I believe, compound the problem so much more because patients lose faith and stop looking for someone who can help them.

But pain has physiological effects on the body as well. It took me forever to find, but I finally located a good article on Nursingtimes.net that explains the physiological effects of unrelieved pain, in quite a great deal of technical detail. From what I can understand of it, pain is a stressor that can threaten our body's homeostatic state. This is useful and potentially life-saving, at first (as in, we stay still and rest). However, if the stress response is allowed to continue it can have harmful effects on multiple systems of the body.

The endocrine and nervous system work together to produce a variety of hormones (including adrenaline, cortisol and glucagon) in response to pain that are secreted into the bloodstream. These hormones have effects on all the systems of our body and can cause, among other things, increased heart rate and blood pressure, impaired gastrointestinal function, respiratory dysfunction, retention of sodium and water, depression of the immune system and an increase in anxiety.

No wonder things are so much better for me these days.

Bottom line is if you're experiencing chronic pain you should not ignore it. I know how hard it is to find help, but that's no reason to stop trying. Your body (and your loved ones) will thank you for it.

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Give Me An Inch...

I have now gone to Bikram yoga three times in the last three weeks. And although I'm stiff, I'm mostly sore in the right places (aka the muscles that should be working). My back is holding up fine, my shoulders and neck are doing well, so what's there not to be happy about?

This is where I may need to revisit some ideas about gratitude.

I found myself sitting in the yoga class last week plotting about how I could possibly fit in two yoga classes a week. Hold on a second there, missy. Was it not so long ago that all you wanted was to just be able to go once a week?

The main thing that has really sunk in for me during my years in physiotherapy is that my body is not a machine. I need to treat it well in order for it to actually work properly. And that means moderation of every sort.

With the wedding coming up it is so easy to get sucked into the idea that if only I could do my yoga class twice a week it would be an insurance policy that I look fabulous in my white dress. After all, there will be relatives coming from all parts of the world who haven't seen me in a while and we will be paying someone a good chunk of change to take lots of pictures that we will of course need to display in coffee table books, on the walls, and in Hello magazine (joke).

But I keep reminding myself that I am exercising now not because of some pre-wedding madness, but as part of a long-term struggle to get my body back in working order – and because I want to exercise. I have my body back these days (mostly) and I can finally do the exercise I like to deal with the stress of everyday life and to take care of all those amazing systems we learned about in ninth-grade biology. And I generally feel better about myself and my body when I am exercising, regardless of how I look to the outside world.

Also there's the enjoyment factor. Enjoyment? Gasp.

I don't know if it's being American, with our long history of embracing the puritanical work ethic or if it's just our society's current obsession with perfection as the new 'good'. A New York therapist once told me that her clients were no longer worried about morality or being perceived as 'good' by others. Instead, achieving 'perfection' was the new gold standard.

But what about enjoying life and being in the moment? This is where gratitude comes back in. I wrote a few weeks ago about my take on gratitude, as part of the Self-Discovery, Word by Word series (click here to read about November's word and participate). But gratitude is not just for one blog post.

It's easy to forget how not so long ago I was often shedding tears, feeling sorry for myself about how my body was not working properly and pain that would follow me around everywhere. I am genuinely thankful for being able to go to yoga again, to take my weekly tap dancing class. It's easy to forget about balance.

But I'm not the person I used to be – I am much more sane about what I can handle these days. It's just that every once in a while I get carried away. And who doesn't?

P.S. You can actually mail your wedding photos into Hello magazine. If you've done it, I want to hear about it.

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On Breathing

I'm not very good at breathing. This may sound strange, because we obviously need to breathe to live. But I often find that I actually hold my breath – or breathe really shallowly – especially when I feel stressed, uneasy or anxious.

The other day I was walking home from the train station and feeling generally icky so I started to try to breathe more deeply. I immediately started to feel better, calmer and more grounded. And then I started to yawn, just like in yoga class after we've done the first breathing exercise. My body suddenly seemed to shake free of the tension I was holding and I felt better – and more human.

Obviously, this all sounds pretty hokey and new-agey, but there is actually something to be said for learning how to breathe well to help with everyday stress. I found a paper written by Patricia L. Gerbarg, M.D., an assistant clinical professor in psychiatry at New York Medical College, where she explains that our stress response system works within the autonomic nervous system consisting of two branches – sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system switches on when we feel threatened in a fight or flight scenario, increasing the heart rate, breathing and metabolic rate. When the threat has passed the parasympathetic system's role is to slow down these rates, repair any cellular damage and calm and replenish our energy, according to Gerbarg.

For people under stress or those with chronic anxiety (read more on research that we may be pre-disposed to anxiety, in my post Baby 19), the sympathetic system is in overdrive and the parasympathetic system is underactive. There are many medicines that can temporarily dampen the sympathetic system, however, there really isn't anything available to boost the parasympathetic system.

So that's where breathing techniques and other mind-body practices like meditation and yoga fit in. They are ways to boost the parasympathetic nervous system to keep that pesky sympathetic system in check.

I really like Leo Babuta's blog, called Zen Habits and his post on breathing pretty much says it all: click here to read about the many benefits of breathing. I particularly like the idea that you can always rely on taking a breath whenever something in your life starts to make you feel out of control, it's just so simple that one could really overlook it.

2

Exercise And Perfectionism Don't Mix

I definitely feel better when I'm exercising. But there's no greater mood killer than feeling like you have to exercise. I've seen a lot of articles written about finding exercise that you like to do, and I think there's no better advice.

But the other thing I've struggled with on the exercise front is being a perfectionist about having an exercise routine. Perhaps because you hear so much about the importance of getting into a routine to form habits. However, there can be a step too far.

After I got better enough from my RSI/postural problems to start regular exercise again, I got a little crazy (this happens to me often). I probably could have been mistaken for a general planning a war exercise with the way I made up spreadsheets, tables and maps for all this exercise I was planning to do.

One of the specific things I wrestled with was my determination to keep a weekly swim in my routine. My gym is right next door to my office, I like swimming, it's really good exercise, and if I didn't do it every week, what was the point of doing it at all? Ah, the all-or-nothing trap. It's a fail safe way for any perfectionist to get paralyzed.

But finally, I wised up. I also admitted to myself I need some routine. I have my Monday tap dancing class. I go to yoga on either Saturday or Sunday – at whatever time works that week. I also attempt to fit in one other dance or aerobics class during the week (right now I'm a big Zumba fan). I really love dancing and I like yoga – or at least the mind and body benefits I get from it. But the thing I do that keeps me the sanest is walking. Although some people think isn't 'real' exercise, I have a lot of time for walking (it probably merits its own post). When I have a pain flare up it saves me as I know it's something I can always do. Also, if I'm too busy for other exercise I know I can still fit in about 25-30 minutes of walking a day – usually on the way to work or home. And that's enough exercise to get the necessary health benefits.

And swimming? Now I reserve that for when I feel like it. Sometimes there's nothing better than going to the pool after work, swimming for as little as 20 minutes and then stretching out in the sauna. In the winter when it starts getting dark at 3 p.m. in London, my gym turns on colored lighting in the pool area and pipes in music that I can only describe as 'light techno'. It's weird, but strangely calming.

I also try to avoid this idea that you have to do a certain kind of exercise a certain number of times per week. At Bikram Yoga the teachers always say that you should go a minimum of twice per week. Why? In the past, someone saying that would have made me fall in line like a little lemming. Now I know that my body can only handle Bikram once a week. But it's still helpful to me, and I can even see changes in my body from it. I try to ignore all the noise from people who don't know me very well. Please remember, it's your life – and you're the expert.

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