A Snail's Pace

The other day at lunchtime I went to a meeting of my company's Toastmasters club. Toastmasters is a group for people who want to improve their public speaking and communication skills through 'doing'. For example, there is even an impromptu section of each meeting – where people are chosen from the audience to come up and give two minute speeches on surprise topics (can you imagine?). And the whole thing has a timed itinerary. There is a time keeper and a grammarian and all sorts of other scary things I can't remember.

I do a lot of public speaking for work. I enjoy public speaking and would love to improve. And joining Toastmasters was one of the things I put in the 'after-the-wedding' basket of my to-do list.

But after a packed-full hour of people speaking and clapping I went back to my desk and thought "over my dead body am I going to that every other week." Not as keen anymore, eh?

Other people have told me about feeling bored or at a loose end after planning their wedding. I feel quite the opposite – I am so completely and utterly exhausted that even sometimes meeting up with people seems like a big task.

I just want to be a 'normal' person right now. Go to work, cook some food and exercise (including my physio work of course!). My tap dancing class seems too difficult. And reading my book club books is obviously creating trouble for me (see Tinker Tailor Soldier – Why? for a more in-depth study).

I wonder if part of my malaise is that a wedding is about a lot of people other than you. It's about taking care of them through the organizing of a million little details. Sure, it was about me and the Hub, but it was also about our families and friends and making sure they had a good time (and that we didn't lose any Americans in London). And I'm very good at taking care of other people.

So perhaps this shift in mood for me is part exhaustion but also part of a retreat back to myself. I'm feeling a little spent – like I don't have much to give – which is probably why a lunchtime speech-a-thon is a little too much for me right now. Time to re-group and get my energy back. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm tap dancing again, but for now I'm much more into long solitary walks.

P.S. The blogging stays. I'm much better when I'm writing.

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