Mixed Reviews

The Hub says I'm reacting emotionally to things that are incredibly un-emotive. Like barbeque arrangements (our house or theirs?) and the book Tinker Tailor Solider Spy ( I hate it! I'm terrified of it!). Perhaps, like Sampson, my hair is where I carried all my strength.

I cut all my hair off last weekend. Apparently this is what brides do after the big day is over. In fact, my hair guy was extremely nervous I'd set my mind to do this – according to him, this is what always happens post-wedding and nine times out of 10 the women hate the result and he is left picking up the pieces.

I certainly don't hate it, but I'm still undecided as to whether or not it's really 'me'. You can see from my new blog photo that it's not all that short – although it probably is the shortest I've ever had it. It also had to be super long for the wedding, you see, so that I could do this with it:

(That's my amazing Mom, by the way. One of the biggest fans of the blog!)

So it's a big change. I wrote about change last week and the importance of embracing it and ironically, when I changed my hair (a temporary change as hair grows back) I still managed to freak out a little.

It didn't help that there were clearly mixed reviews. Some people didn't even mention it when I ran into them in the kitchen at work. Clearly a negative sign. But there was also lots of positive feedback and comments that it made me look younger (!) and even taller (!!).

But all of this made me think about the importance I place on approval and how that might be detrimental.

I have found that generally, when I do something for myself instead of seeking others approval, the result is usually better. In terms of quality, and happiness, and general well-being. But why is this such a difficult thing to do?

I once took a job because I was flattered it was offered to me. I used to go out with some guys because they liked me. Big mistakes.

I've been thinking a lot about the future of my career and writing post-wedding (now that I have more time to ponder, and also to breathe). And I think one thing that is particularly important is to be really honest with myself about what it is I want – instead of all the notions I have had floating around in my head since I was a kid, including other people's pesky opinions. Because I think that once I figure that out, then the more practical steps will be much easier.

There's a part in Anne Lamott's wonderful book on writing, Bird by Bird, where she talks about how you can't write to get published – how you have to be enough already (despite the fact that being a published author is a good thing).

The reality is that we get mixed reviews our entire life – but it's us that has to be happy with what it is we're doing (or how our hair looks). Defining ourselves by those around us is a losing game.

Perhaps it's hard to deal with real-life post-wedding because you've just had the one day where you can do no wrong. With a wedding, there are no mixed reviews. Even if you have no voice and in some photos your boobs are kind of jumping out of your dress (I told the dress lady it was too tight!). Coming crashing down is always a shock.

PS Do you think that Kate will cut all her hair off after the Royal Wedding? I would certainly bet on it.

Related Posts:

• Upstaged By The Royals
• Six Weeks To Go
• Worth It On The Day
• So Plans Really Are Useless...

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The Great Clothing Clean Out

Clothes can often be loaded for women. They are our protection, a statement, and can represent what we desire or what we wish was better about ourselves. For some, buying clothes and going shopping can be great fun or a distraction. It can also be an addiction.

I have to admit, I am not the biggest fan of shopping. No matter how at peace you are with your body, sometimes it's no match for the dressing room lighting. Or pick out the wrong cut of skirt and suddenly you appear to have lumps jutting out of your body in places you didn't even know there was a problem. It's not for the faint of heart.

For me clothes shopping is also interlinked with my constant battle not to hang onto old clothes -- things that don't fit, don't look nice or just contain a sentimental value (but yet they sit stuffed away at the back of the closet or in the bottom of a drawer). What if I need it again? What if I ever do some painting and need overalls? I keep old pairs of jeans in case I can use the material to patch another pair. As if I have ever patched anything in my life.

Earlier this week I wrote about a program I watched on hoarding and it gave me a renewed drive to try to grapple with my pack-rat demons when it comes to my clothes.

And the truth is, that in the past few years I've got better. I try to do a good clean out of my clothes at the end of each summer/winter season (there are only two seasons in England - warmish and coldish). I seek some honesty with myself: did I actually wear it all season?

When my cousin came over for the wedding I asked her to go through all the clothes that no longer fit me. Twelve years my junior, in her early 20s, there was a lot of stuff that looked great on her. And it was much easier parting with things when I knew they were going to my lovely cousin.

But still, there are loads of dresses I hang on to that I don't wear and all sorts of strange things I can't seem to throw away, like oversized tee-shirts with the names of trade publications I once worked for stenciled on them. These are not high-fashion items I should be treasuring.

I think the crux of my problem lies in my refusal to see my own wardrobe as a changeable, living thing. I'm not even the type who buys 'investment' pieces! But the reality is that we buy new things all the time, our lives change, our jobs change, our shapes change, and our tastes change. Even if I like something a lot, I can grow tired of wearing it. And there's that old chestnut of hanging onto clothes that don't fit. If you lose or gain weight, guess what, you can buy new clothes – the ones you are holding onto may no longer be in style or to your taste anyway.

Keeping things that you actually wear now and make you feel good is the stuff equivalent to living in the moment.

So this past weekend I took my first step in the getting-rid-of-things-I-don't wear cold turkey process. Without questioning, I asked myself, 'do I wear this?' and if the answer was no, then I took it out of the drawer or closet. Everything is now sitting up in our attic for phase two.

I plan to ask myself three questions when the real sorting begins:

1. Do I wear this? Right now?

2. Do I feel good in this?
3. If neither are true, why am I hanging onto this… and it is rational or just emotional?

I'm planning to give myself a little leeway. I have two small storage boxes. I will allow myself to keep some sentimental items, but only as long as they fit into those two boxes. Everything else will go to the charity shop or be thrown away. I'll let you know how it goes.

Related Posts:

• The Art Of De-cluttering
• What I Wear (Right Now)

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Change: Acceptance Is The Hardest Part

My Mom says that my personality was fully formed before I was even born. Nearly two weeks past my due date, in the scorching summer of 1976 (I am a bicentennial baby), I had no interest in leaving the safe harbor of the womb. My Dad even took my Mom bike riding through Central Park to try to induce labor. In the end, it was a dinner of tuna casserole that finally caused her to go into labor – perhaps my distaste of fish and seafood started at a very young age.

I've never been too interested in change. I'm the kind of person who is usually content where they are, craves routine and generally fears too much upheaval and chaos. I sometimes take it to an absurd level. I never actually feel like getting into the shower, but then once I'm in, I don't want to get out.

When I found out this month's word for the Self-Discovery Word by Word series was 'change', I was slightly terrified. How do I write about something that I struggle with every day? (Ah wait, I write about things I struggle with every day all the time!)

The problem with not being comfortable with change is that change is the constant. And change is what provides growth. I may not like it, but I know its importance. Which is why I do crazy things like move to other countries without really knowing anyone. And why although marriage is a terribly risky thing to do, I am willing to take the plunge and try to figure what love really is.

You can face life head on and take things as they come, experiencing them fully, or you can hide away under the blankets grasping onto the fantasy that you can control things and as long as you are able to do that you'll be safe. But that's exhausting.

There are also those who love change – crave it in fact. But I think that can be a problem as well. When we are not prepared to accept life as it is, when we are constantly looking for something better, brighter and different – that elusive thing that will make us happier – it's easy to get caught up in the illusion that what we need to do is change our circumstances, rather than our attitude to life itself.

Unhappy in your relationship? Dump him. Unhappy at work? Switch jobs. Feeling like things aren't complete? Move. I'm not saying that there aren't times to do these things, but it's worth examining our own attitudes to life and whether or not our perception is actually the crux of the problem. Learning that I create the life I have from my own set of thoughts and beliefs was the biggest revelation I've ever had. It's up to me and no one else to make me happy. Not my partner, my job, my friends or even my breakfast (even if it contains bacon!).

I think maybe those who fear change and those who crave it aren't actually that different from each other. Both don't want to accept life as it is – and rightly so, as it's a hard thing to do. But when we accept, we break down the barriers we've created, which ironically, makes life that tiny bit better.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word blogger series. Mara, over at Medicinal Marzipan, came up with this month's word. Learn more about participating in Mara’s post and you can also read her excellent post on change here.

Related Posts:

• Vulnerablility: Being Broken Isn't So Bad
• Authenticity: Being True But Growing Too
• Creativity: This Time It's Personal
• Pleasure: Seeking It From Within

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What I Wear Now (Right Now)

I was watching a fascinating program the other day on T.V. called 'Hoarders'. It's a show on the Bio channel (don't judge me) that aims to help hoarders clean up their homes and also deal with the mental health issues causing the hoarding in the first place.

It may sound unethical to put someone on television with mental health issues and let other people watch them, however, at least this program is trying to help. And there are some programs that put those with mental health issues on T.V. without trying to help them – which is pretty bad, in my opinion. Also, if someone watches a program like this and it encourages them to get help for any type of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder that they are suffering from, it can only be a good thing. Right?

Laying aside whether or not I should have been watching this program, it really made me think about the way I deal with stuff. Objects. Things.

Hoarding is a real risk for me. As an anxious person, I do feel particularly attached to things, especially those that have sentimental value. I also just like having stuff. Especially extra stuff. Just in case I need it.

I'm determined to fight it, particularly as I get older, which is apparently when hoarding gets worse. Also, I feel surprisingly great when clutter is gone.

Apparently, like anything in life, there's a real spectrum of hoarders. From people who just have a lot of stuff (perhaps classified as the 'cluttery sort'), to those who literally keep garbage. The latter is considered a 'Stage 5' and often they are health risk to themselves and those around them.

Also, people generally can be prone to hoarding, but it is traumatic events in their life that cause it to get out of control. I was particularly struck by one woman on the program whose hoarding had worsened after she gave birth to a still-born son. One of the professionals on the show explained to the viewer that she was using hoarding as a coping mechanism. She was surrounding herself with things that were a part of her past or things she had bought for the future – but that she was no longer allowing herself to live in the present. 

This really hit home for me. That's exactly what excess stuff is really about. It's the embodiment of what, in my mind, is living in fear and misery. Being stuck in the past or the future and now allowing ourselves to experience the here and now.

I was in our spare bedroom last night looking at a blue fleece I had taken out of one of our closets. And I thought, "I don't wear that fleece anymore," but yet I had folded up to put up in the attic with the rest of my winter clothes. So why was I planning to keep it?

My Mom bought that fleece for me. It's a good brand. And I have a very fond memory of wearing it to visit my aunt in Holland, about a year and a half before she died of cancer. I know because there's a picture she took of me in the main square in Haarlem, smiling and wearing the blue fleece.

But I don't wear it anymore. Which made me think: what if I got rid of all the clothes I don't wear, right now, at this moment, no matter what the reason?

It was one of those moments, where your vision is clear and you can see the issue for what it is.

Getting rid of everything I don't wear would mean no longer having that yellow dress I once wore so much and wish I could still fit into. And the bridesmaid's dress from my friend's wedding in 2005. It would mean shedding all those things I keep 'just in case'.

Could I do it? I don't know. I'm kind of scared, but also completely exhilarated by the idea. I just might try it – I'll let you know.

Related Posts:

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What I Wish I Knew Then

One of my friends recently met someone who is coping with back pain and just starting out on her journey to find some help. My heart goes out to anyone with any type of muscular pain. It's certainly not easy. So what would I tell someone like this, or anyone who is beginning (or continuing) to deal with a sore neck, back, knees, elbow or whatever else?

Get a second opinion, or third or fourth.
Most people whom my physio treats have had at least one failed treatment. I certainly did. The sad reality is that there is a wide variation in the quality of physiotherapists (physical therapists) or medical practitioners of any sort out there. Make sure to find someone you are comfortable with on a personal level and who makes you feel confident in their abilities. They should also be able to express exactly what is wrong with you, how they plan to fix it and what the long-term plan is. Most muscular pain – typically caused by an imbalance in the musculoskeletal system – can be treated. You shouldn't have to keep going to see someone for the rest of your life. Also, be sceptical of practitioners who say things like "you need to get stronger" without actually helping you to do that. Getting stronger is no good if it's not targeted at the specific muscle groups that correct the imbalance.

Just because a pain is in one place it doesn't mean that's the root of the problem.

I had severe hand, elbow and neck pain. I had extremely tight muscles in my arms, but that wasn't the root of the cause. The problem was the alignment in my neck and shoulders. There was nothing wrong with my hands and arms! Even tennis elbow may not be caused directly by a problem with your elbow. Funny enough, you may actually need to strengthen your legs to run to the ball faster instead of reaching further to hit it and therefore straining your shoulder/elbow.

Evaluate your posture.

When the pain first hit me I was totally in the dark about what was causing it. Someone I worked with took one look at me and said, "Your neck hurts because you don't sit up straight." I was really taken aback and thought, that's not possible, that's too simple an explanation. Turns out, essentially, he was right. An older colleague from the time when children were taught to sit and stand up straight, seems he actually knew more about the body than the first physio I went to see. So look at how you're standing and sitting. Also, take a look at the way you walk. Your feet should be straight, your bum tucked under, your strides should be long (short strides can indicate stiff hips) shoulders shouldn't be hunched forward and the chin should be tucked in, not sticking out ahead of the rest of you. It's simple stuff, but very important.

Know your body type.

Are you bendy, flexible? No problem touching your toes? It may be hard to tell, but flexible people, known in the medical world as hypermobile (which is what I am) are more prone to muscle imbalance problems. It's because our ligaments are longer than other people's and we need more strength to keep everything in place. While stiff people have other problems, one advantage of being less flexible is that getting stronger isn't necessarily a part of your treatment – you only need to stretch out the overly stiff parts. Hypermobile people, on the other hand, have to get strong enough to hold their posture in place properly. It's definitely helpful to know where you stand when seeking treatment.

Avoid surgery.

Surgeons like to do surgery. But before you let anyone cut into you, know that even when you have some sort of surgery to eliminate pain (hip, knee, slipped disc, etc.) you STILL have to do physio work to correct the muscle problem that got you into trouble in the first place. Surgery should be a very last resort. And sometimes doesn't even help. Which is why it's worth attempting to correct the muscle imbalance before going under the knife.

Be sceptical of some alternative therapies.

I'm a big fan of acupuncture, but I don't think it would have ever fixed my problem. There are other therapies that people try, like massage, that may alleviate symptoms but don't usually get to the root of the problem. If you have tight muscles and need regular massages, or a chiropractor to crack things constantly, something isn't right. Fixing the muscle imbalance is usually cheaper in the long run. The thought of getting a massage doesn't even interest me anymore as I don't ever need one. The exercises work much better.

A pain that isn't that bad now may still be worth fixing.

You may be able to get by now, but trust me, that neck ache or knee twinge will probably only get worse (sorry – it's the truth!). I had twinges in my arms/hands for years before the pain got nuclear. A pain in the same place all the time isn't just a coincidence, there's something you're doing to cause it. Fix it now when it's easier to sort out and feel much better later (also, save money on painkillers, future physio trips etc.). And improving your posture is a long-term investment. You don't necessarily need to walk all hunched over when you're 80.

Don't give up.

Fixing a long-term problem (most pain only occurs after quite some time) isn't easy. It's hard work. Including finding the right practitioner, doing the exercises, and dealing with setbacks. It took me at least a year to find someone right to treat me and then the better part of four years to get better (I had some complications, however, so don't let that discourage you too much). Hang in there. There is a life without pain.

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I'm still looking for books to recommend to people with muscular pain. I haven't found any that are good enough just yet, although I've got a few that I'm evaluating right now. I can't refer everyone in the world to my physio, so would like to have a good resource page on this site.

Related Posts:

• So You Want To Be A Runner...
• On Back Ache
• Other People's Backs
• The Whole Story

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What Next? Start Small

Ever since we got back from honeymoon I've been the queen of procrastination. There's actually quite a bit of clean-up admin left over. There's the thank-you notes and the wedding album to put together (most couples I know who got married in the past few years still haven't done it) and the honeymoon pictures to sort through. We went on safari and I kid you not, took over 700 photos, I think, of mostly giraffes. Why so many giraffes?

I know, you're weeping for me, right?

I'm not complaining about all this nice stuff I have on my to-do list. Rather, I'm thinking about motivation a lot these days in terms of how to get things done, while prioritizing the important things and also keeping myself from getting knotted up about everything on the list.

And I think (just maybe) that planning a wedding taught me some important lessons. Because actually, even though I say I'm the queen of procrastination, I've already written 20 thank you notes and we've unpacked and put away all our gifts, broken down the boxes and I've even checked the file size of the wedding photos (so my parents could send me the right size memory stick). Which is one of those fiddly things that in the past I just never would have done quickly.

So what have I learned?

You've got to prioritize. And then you've got to start small: do just do one thing. Which will eventually lead to others.

I suppose, also, that I'm making some progrees on shedding the perfectionist tendencies, because I'm learning that posting twice a week is better than not at all. And writing even one thank-you note per day will get you there faster than you thought.

Also, focusing on one task (or a small number) at a time really does work. Last week I was going a little bit crazy. My mind was racing about trying to solve/get organized/deal with everything else in my life that I haven't had much time to focus on in the past eight months.

My brain was like a runaway train, unsatisfied with the state of my wardrobe (must clean out those ratty winter clothes) and my inability to get up earlier in the mornings on a consistent basis (again). I was also mad at myself for sticking to cooking and eating my rota of 'easy dinners' that recently got me through the busy times. Why hadn't I broken out the new cookbook my brother and his girlfriend gave me for Christmas and learned some amazing new dish to serve the Hub?

Then I stopped the insanity. And thought about what were the most important things right now. Writing the thank-you notes, filing my US taxes and getting back into the rhythm of blogging. (I won't take credit for the three-most-important-project method – I read it in Leo Babauta's book: The Power of Less. But I find it works – three projects is a good number to juggle.)

Also, I've again started using a technique that my Dad once told me about. Whenever there's something that you don't want to do, just do it for 30 minutes. It really works, usually 30 minutes of just about anything is tolerable (if it's not, reduce it to 10 or 20 – I find 25 actually sometimes works better than 30 as it seems like so much less), and once I'm actually doing something I get into it, and don't mind it so much. Or, if I don't, I just take a break after the 30 minutes is up and then start again.

It's interesting, this compulsion to get everything done at once, and right away! Perhaps it's time to start meditating again. My initial thought on that: but there's no time! I wonder what I'm afraid of – maybe that I'll have to slow down and forget about my to-do list for a while. Maybe the best thing I can do for myself post-wedding is to start examining my obsession with 'getting things done'.

Well, maybe, but after I finish the thank-you notes.

How do you deal with procrastination? Or the never-ending to-do list?

Related Posts:

• Life Is Messy
• Priorities
• Keeping Score

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So Plans Really Are Useless...

As we've established before, I'm a little bit of a control freak. And with the wedding I planned for everything, down to getting a UK cell phone for my parents so that people could call that number if they needed anything last minute. And the wedding really did go without a hitch.

That is, except for me losing my voice. That's right, me – verbose, wordy, chatty me – lost my voice. Oh, the irony.

The Tuesday before the wedding the Hub and I woke up with terrible colds. We never get sick at the same time, in fact, I'm convinced we have completely different immune systems. When I had the flu a few years ago with a temperature of 104 degrees, he never even sneezed. So I know the colds were pure stress-induced. We both recovered, but mine took my voice (like Ursula in The Little Mermaid). I guess it was the stress and the fact that we had social events every day leading up to the wedding. With so many people in town, I was talking up a storm on what were comprised vocal chords. I'm also prone to losing my voice when ill – apparently it doesn't happen to some people?

To say I was upset about it was an understatement. People roll in from all over the world and I can barely speak. On Friday I had to leave the drinks reception we had for our out-of-towners at 9 p.m. because I physically couldn't talk and I thought some extra rest was my one hope for being able to say my vows the next day.

It was the only time all week I got really upset. I had a little cry about the whole thing to my cousin (and bridesmaid) who took me home from the reception as she was staying with us. She was brilliant. She told me that everyone was there for me and didn't care what I sounded like. But I wanted to speak to my guests, I said. She told me I was a perfectionist and it didn't matter. Everyone would still love me anyway.

And she was right, it didn't matter. If you had told me a few months ago I'd have laryngitis at my wedding I would have cried in misery. I would have said I didn't want to have the wedding. I would have been incredibly angry.

So thank goodness I didn't know! Because it was still wonderful. I said my vows and even gave a short speech (which made everyone think I was so very brave). And although it was a little hard to make conversation with everyone especially when the music was loud, I still had a great time. I spent most of the night on the dance floor – if you can't talk, dance. And so while the Hub chatted away to our guests, I danced with them. And no one cared what I sounded like anyway – when you're the bride it's all about how you look!

Perfectionist that I am, this was a good lesson. You can plan for everything but the powers that be will always remind you that you're not in control. And wonderful is actually possible, even without perfection.

Related Posts:

• Inshallah
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Worth It On The Day

Well, okay, so I'm a little depressed. Sad, at least (don't want to trivialize depression here). Not just because the wedding is over, but because for a fleeting week I had so many of my family and friends in London and I want to do it all over again – and spend more time with each and every one of them. I feel really homesick for them all.

The photographer sent me the photos on a DVD and it arrived today. As I looked through them again I had a flashback to when I was a child and would point at the pictures of books and exclaim to my mother, "Be in there? Be in there?" I consistently wanted to get out of everyday life and be part of the much more exciting story, whatever it was.

And so, I wanted to jump into the cocktail reception again. I could see groups of people talking and wanted to go back and wander up to them, maybe not in a white dress, but as a bride-double in a black cocktail dress and chat with them for ages. "So what do you really think about Taron's dress?" I'd say.

I suppose that this is a good thing – that in the end, despite all the work and the stress and the time I went to the ladies room at work one day at 11 a.m. and cried for no particular reason for a good 20 minutes, it was all worth it on the day. All the Saturdays spent running around London doing cupcake tastings and hair trials (and firing my first hair lady – this sounds more bridezilla-ish than it was), a never-ending e-mail inbox filled with questions from vendors and guests, hours of addressing envelopes and decision-making that ranged from the ridiculous (what proportion of chocolate cupcakes should we have) to the more serious (which vows should we say) – despite all this, I'd do it all over again.

And the Hub (at long last!!) actually summed up the reason why quite nicely. He said that he was a little surprised at how easy it all was. Not a performer like me, he had been worried about standing up in front of everyone so much – during the ceremony, while making a speech and the (very much dreaded) first dance. But in the end, he didn't find it nearly as hard as he thought. Why? Because everyone is rooting for you (I'm paraphrasing here). When you're getting married and everyone has come to see you, I think you could literally be speaking Pig Latin, wearing a garbage bag dress (as long as it's white) and everyone would still think you were the bees' knees. (Note: the Hub's speech was genuinely good and he said really nice things about me – he even mentioned Mind, Body & Scroll!)

There aren't many times in life when you can do no wrong. That's why, if you're not planning to get married, or if you just haven't yet, make sure you have a really big birthday party at some point in your life (see my post on More Parties, Please for more on this). Invite friends and family far and wide. There's no reason that everyone shouldn't have an opportunity to spend a lot of money to look good and then have a queue of people come up and hug them.

The Hub and I have been together for quite some time but it was great to finally say it out loud. And even better, to let everyone else celebrate it too. So I will say, for the record, the whole thing was pretty cool.

Related Posts:

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