First Things First

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I try to clean up. Whether it's my desk at work, or our home, or the kitchen – after a cooking session that makes me look like I employ similar preparation techniques to the Muppets' Swedish chef.

Life is messy and chaotic, but cleaning up at least gives me a tiny, if temporary, moment of calm to feel like I can face a difficult task head on.

Lately I've been giving myself a hard time that I'm not working on my book proposal. Or more accurately, completely re-working my book proposal which I first wrote nearly two years ago (how did the time go so fast?). I had an idea late last year on how to make it more interesting (hopefully) but haven't done any actual work on it, let alone get started on some sample chapters.

I've had some good excuses, the biggest being planning our wedding, which was a pretty time-consuming task. But now that it's over and I've done the most important post-wedding admin task – thank-you notes – what's the problem?

I've been thinking about this a lot, mainly during my 'thinking time' – my walks to and from the train station. Like most problems, or should I say challenges, you sometimes have to let them simmer for a while before what is bothering you, or blocking you, rises to the top and presents itself.

Thing is, although I would like to get started on the book stuff, there are a lot of admin things hanging over my head, including many that I put off when I was planning the wedding. And I feel like they're cluttering up my brain. Now I know that life will always be filled with red tape, so it's impossible to get to the point that it's all done, but there is something to be said for getting projects completed. As I've pointed out before (in my post Making Peace With Red Tape) clearing away the clutter does leave room to focus.

There are some things that I really should have never put off, like buying some smoke detectors for our flat. (Please don't yell at me – this means you, Mom! Your new son-in-law could also be held to blame.) Other than said anti-death-wish tasks, there are some projects that although not totally necessary, their completion would probably make me feel calmer. Like finally getting that external hard drive and backing up all my photos. There are also a lot of things I'd like to do to promote this blog that I've been putting off too (see my addendum below). 

It's probably a good idea to give myself some deadlines, just to make sure that these little admin tasks don't take years. The point is to tackle them head on to make room for more creative and exciting stuff, not to just procrastinate. Ah yes, and I should probably put to use some of those good techniques I learned in the Procrastination Equation. Especially acknowledging that I shouldn't be too hard on myself – we are impulsive creatures and my desire to hang out with The Hub and watch the Apprentice will probably always come before buying that external hard drive or actually finishing my filing backlog.

****

Do you enjoy reading this blog? I'm going to be exploring how to reach out to new as well as existing readers, such as by finally getting to grips with using twitter to its full advantage, creating a facebook page, etc. But I'd also be grateful if you could help spread the word. If you have any friends who you think might be interested in reading my musings, please do forward them the link. More importantly, if you have any suggestions for how you think I could be getting myself out there more (I know some of you are probably really good at this) or even what type of posts you most like reading, let me know. Either email me here or post in the comments section. I really would love to hear from you.

Related Posts:

2

Friday Find: On Mental Illness

Mental illness isn't something that only happens to other people – in fact, according to the UK's Mental Health Association, one in four British adults experience at least one diagnosable mental health problem in any one year. And mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain.

Whether it's you, or someone you know – a close friend or family member – the likelihood is that mental illness has touched your life in some way.

And even though our society has come a long way in acknowledging that mental health is something that needs to be cared for, much like our physical health, there remains much stigma attached to illnesses like anxiety and depression, let alone bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia.

Journalist Alice Bradley wrote a great piece this week on her own decision to medicate for her depression, something I just couldn't help but share. Because it's when people share their stories – their feelings and experiences – that stigma falls away.

It's when we realize that mental illness doesn't happen to other people and other people's family members, but to people just like ourselves, that we can develop compassion and facilitate an open discussion on the topic.

I think there's so much work to be done generally in this area, especially in the public sector's treatment of those with mental illness, but breaking down stigma is something we can all help do right away.

In fact, just this week, there was a NY Times article about the creator of a treatment used worldwide for severely suicidal people, who told her own story of mental illness in public for the first time last week. According to the article, Dr. Marsha M. Linehan of the University of Washington said, "So many people have begged me to come forward, and I just thought — well, I have to do this. I owe it to them. I cannot die a coward."

Related posts:
2

The Summer Coat

It's been a very hectic week. And when I realized that I had left my coat at my in-laws' house on Sunday I sort of knew it would turn into just 'one of those weeks.' You see, my summer coat is a real victory for me in the battle with the English summer.

Let me explain.

The seasons in England (at least southern England where I live) are of two sorts: coldish (autumn, winter, spring) and warmish (summer). I find dressing for the coldish weather very easy. When it's cold here, it's cold – everywhere – outside, in shops, at work, at home. England is a very damp country and so most homes have these charming ventilation holes which just let in cold air, constantly, so that mould doesn't grow on the walls. So why even put the heat on? (I'm being slightly dramatic here).

But dressing is easy. It's all about extra layers, warm sweaters (or jumpers as they say here), tights and boots. But in the summer, it gets tricky. You see, it doesn't often get very hot. For maybe a week or two the thermometer will hit 80 degrees or above, but for the rest of the summer it's actually in the high 60s, low 70s. Which would be fine and pleasant, except that when it does reach the higher 70s, it starts to feel very warm on public transportation, in shops or restaurants or even at work (buildings are not over air conditioned here, in fact, I've worked in buildings with no air conditioning – and when it does reach the 80s you aren't allowed to just not show up for work!).

There's also the added complexity that even when you might not think it's warm enough to be outside, the British will see the sun and feel cooped up after months of shivering indoors and will want to shiver outdoors – usually around a barbeque. And that can be grand, but only if you are warm enough.

For years this dressing in the summer perplexed me. Just wearing a sweater wasn't enough. And a fleece or sweat jacket is just not smart-enough looking. I usually took to wearing short sleeve tops under my spring/autumn coat – usually a trench coat. But this can look really bah-humbugy, as if you're denying that it's actually summer (even if it is freezing or raining). Wearing a blazer is also handy, or a suit jacket if you are going to work, but although a blazer is fine on the weekends too, I am a woman with hips and sometimes it's more flattering to be able to wear a longer outer covering.

And then, I discovered the summer coat. I had been looking for it for a while. I thought: if only I could find a smart-looking lightweight coat, maybe something you might wear over an Easter dress in a more normal climate, it could work for work and at weekends too. I finally stumbled on one from one of the catalogue companies here in late March – Boden – think a cross between J.Crew and Land's End. It's navy blue and has a sixties look (thank goodness for the Mad Men craze).

When you're an expat there are always challenges – and you have to adapt. The summer coat is a pretty light example, but it certainly demonstrates how you can't control your environment at all times (no matter where you live) and so it's worth being crafty and coming up with solutions that work for you.

Luckily, I was able to retrieve my trusty summer coat from my father-in-law at his London office yesterday. I should also add as a point of information for those still learning how to dress for the British summer – I also usually keep a cardigan and one of my two 'summer scarves' in my bag for use at any summertime outdoor event. You can never be too prepared.

Related Posts:
0

Bravery: A Little Every Day

I am struggling with writing a post on bravery. Usually when I write a post for the Self-Discovery Word by Word series I think about a personal anecdote I can share to help me make my point. But nothing comes to mind immediately -- or at least nothing I think is worthy.


When I think of bravery, I usually think of people who have died for their causes, like William Wallace being drawn and quartered (think Mel Gibson with a blue face in Braveheart).

I'm not capable of such bravery.

Even Zen Habits Leo Babauta's recent post on when being who you are challenges the norms made me feel quite cowardly. He's taken a real stand on some issues that really go against the grain in our capitalist society, like being a vegan and not owning a car. (We don't have a car, but that's because we live in a big city and neither of us has a UK driving license. At some point one of those things may change and we are likely to fold.)

So leaving aside big ways to be brave, are there small ways we can face our fears? Even on a daily basis?

I believe there are. For some, like those who suffer with severe depression, even getting out of bed can be brave.

Being brave means feeling the fear, but doing it anyway. Standing up for ourselves, quitting a job that's not good for us, ending a relationship honorably (this does not include being so annoying that you force them to dump you), or making conversation with the really irritating person at the party that no one else wants to speak with. There's volunteering despite being tired after a long day at work, visiting someone who's ill, choosing not to gossip, facing grief straight on, not losing it with a child who's throwing a tantrum, or doing something you don't want to do just because it makes your partner or someone else in your family happy.

It's doing the right thing – when the right thing isn't easy.

I could certainly do more of this. At some point we may have the opportunity to make a big difference, but then again, life is actually made up of small moments strung together. Making a small difference in someone's daily life could actually make a big difference.

This post is part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series and this month's word was chosen by Dr Dana at The Body and the Brood. Click here to read her kick-off post and find out how to participate.  

Related Posts:
2

Book Review: The Procrastination Equation

Do you think procrastination is about perfectionism? Fear? Yeah, me too.

Though apparently not, according to The Procrastination Equation by Dr Piers Steel. The first lesson I learned reading this book was that perfectionists don't procrastinate anymore than anyone else -- it just upsets them more. And so they are more likely to try to fix it, or see therapists about it.

Steel's book lays out very clearly the reasons why we procrastinate. I found this refreshing, as once you know why you do something it is often easier to do something about it. And learning that it has nothing to do with perfectionism (or at least less than I thought - more about this later) was a relief.

There are three reasons we procrastinate. The first is expectation, the second is value and the third is time.

Expectation
People who have low expectations of the outcome of an event or task are more likely to put it off. This is where I think that Steel may be slightly wrong about perfectionism not being part of procrastination. Although those people with low self esteem or a history of failure may have low expectations, perfectionists may also suffer with debilitating fear of failure (I wrote a bit about this in Life Is Messy). Regardless, whatever your reason for poor expectations, it can contribute to procrastination.

Value
Tasks that we don't value, or we perceive as boring, are also targets of procrastination. No one really wants to file their tax return or do the dishes (well mostly no one). So if you dislike your job (or any task) or find it boring, you will be more prone to procrastinate.

Time
Start saving for retirement or go on a cool sailing holiday? We are conflicted. According to Steel, this is an evolutionary problem. Our prefrontal cortex, which controls our thoughts and ability to do long-term planning is constantly battling against our limbic system, which is what makes us want to eat that snack right now (especially if we've just seen food), watch yet another episode of the Wire (even though it's midnight) and check our email over 50 times per day (sometimes not an exaggeration). Our ancient ancestors didn't need to plan ahead in the same way that we do, so the limbic system is slightly more troublesome for us when it comes to tasks that require a head start. It's what kicks in when you realize that the report for work is actually due tomorrow. But it certainly doesn't help you start it four weeks in advance – the time you really might need. Instead it keeps you checking your email or making yourself yet another cup of delicious hot tea.

After laying out the reasons why we procrastinate, Steel goes on to give helpful tips on how to avoid the three different pitfalls. Some of them are quite clever, others are common sense. But they all basically admit that our willpower is never strong enough to override the pesky limbic system, our low expectations or boredom. Instead, we need to devise methods of tricking or motivating ourselves. It made me think that we're all really well-developed children, deep down. I don't play video games because I know I would get addicted, and Steel pretty much confirms this. We are impulsive creatures.

At one point he even invokes the language of a 12-step program addict – admitting that we are powerless against procrastination can help. I'm not sure if I liked this association or if it was flippant, but procrastination can be a real problem for some people if it is incredibly chronic. Not filing your taxes can land you in jail and not addressing your present or future finances can have really serious consequences.

Accepting that procrastination is natural is a good place to start. You're going to want to do it, so devise some tools that work to help prevent it. And second, if you want to motivate yourself to get things done earlier, you have to think about the positive aspects of this.

I tried it last week with something that I hate doing at work – following up with people I've met. I speak at conferences and also go to meetings. And so I often collect cards and also promise to send people things. But there's nothing I like about entering their details into my database or following up with an email. So I thought about why I was doing it – and imagined meeting them again at another conference and how I would feel about actually following up with them. I thought about how they would treat me differently and also how they would be more willing to help me if I needed it. It actually worked. All of a sudden I had changed my relationship with the task. This was a clear example of procrastinating due to placing a poor value on something.

As with any self-help book, there were parts of this read that I could leave behind*, but also lots of good ideas contained within. Like anything, of course, you do have to adapt them to your own life and what works for you (Be Your Own Expert is my tag line).

I also think Steel could have taken his study of the limbic system versus the prefrontal cortex further. I wonder if meditation exercises or more specifically people's ability to focus and drown out impulsive distraction would be linked with better success at battling procrastination. My guess is it would. (There may even be research out there on this, but I have procrastinated on looking it up and now it is too late.)

*Steel isn't an expert on the science behind eating and weight and in the book constantly refers to dieting as yet another thing people procrastinate about. Of course, this book is not primarily about dealing with food or body image issues, but the number of ill-informed statements he made regarding this did irritate me.

****

Speaking of procrastination, if you read this blog (or any blog) but often forget to visit the site, try signing up for an email subscription. I was talking to a friend who sometimes reads my blog but said she doesn't really have much time to go online. She didn't realize she could get it delivered into her email inbox. Just pop your email address in the box on the right hand side of the blog. Easy as pie.

Related Posts:
2

Becoming British

I'm starting to fear that I'm becoming British. Or maybe more correctly, English (but the alliteration is better with British). 'British' isn't really a national identity in the same way as 'American' is – people here tend to identify with being English or Scottish, Irish or Welsh. Although, technically, I am British – I hold a UK passport and am a nationalized citizen.

Before you ask, yes, I also still hold my US passport – why would I want to give up the privilege of paying US taxes? And culturally I still see myself as first and foremost American, no matter how much I love my adopted country.

Still, some days I think that I am adjusting to life here a little too well. There were two scary things that happened to me last week, for example.

The first had to do with our broken refrigerator. As much as I thought getting it fixed would be easy (as I wrote in Easier Than You Think?), it has proven incredibly difficult. We had a part replaced and it broke again in exactly the same way. Now let me clarify. This is our additional refrigerator/freezer. Our flat came with a fridge – one that sits underneath the counter, disguised in the panelling, like you might do with a garbage can in the U.S. This fridge is the same size as the one that most U.S. college students had in their dorm. The flat did not come with a freezer.

We had a small freezer from our old flat that we bought with us because that flat did not come with a freezer either. So I told the Hub that I needed a regular fridge/freezer, like most sane people should have, with both components in one place. We bought one that is probably half the size of your regular American size fridge (when I go home to my parents' house at Christmas I stand in the kitchen and stare at the fridge for extended periods of time because I can't quite believe how large it actually is).

So now that our second fridge is broken we have been surviving on a dorm-sized fridge and a dorm-sized freezer. For three months. I balance ice trays on bags of peas and fret over how the four cupcakes I froze from the wedding won't make it to our first anniversary because the Hub keeps piling the frozen hash browns on top. I sometimes sit on the floor to think about what to make for dinner because it's the only way I can get a really good view of what's in either appliance.

But yet, I thought the other day: Maybe we don't actually need that second fridge. Perhaps it's wasteful and excessive. We're only two people after all.

This was my first warning sign.

The second has to do with friendliness. Americans are notoriously friendly, even overly so. They are everyone's best friends, and straight away. The English are more reserved. Although polite, they won't invite you over to their house the minute you arrive into town. It could take slightly longer – like even a few years. Americans think this means they are cold. English people think Americans can be fake.

But it's more complicated than that. In my limited experience (of nine years here), it's not that English people don't want to invite you along to their barbecue this weekend, it's just that they think you might find it awkward, you won't know anyone else there, after all. You might feel embarrassed, and there's nothing worse for an English person than embarrassment. One of my first friends here described it to me like this: An Englishman (or woman) just tries to get from birth to death with as little embarrassment as possible.

Americans, on the other hand, don't even know the meaning of the word. And they are shamelessly optimistic about their ability to do everything and be everywhere. They may be your best friend right away, and they mean it, they really do -- but they are just not realistic about their time and their capacity to love everyone. I do believe the English find this a tad annoying.

So my second sign that I was becoming a little further from American and more toward English was when a very friendly Irish person moved into a desk near mine at work.

A few times she said she was going to get food or coffee and asked me if I wanted anything. And you know what my first reaction was? Total suspicion.

Alas, this is all troubling. But being an ex-pat, you never quite fit in anywhere again and I suppose my life will be forever filled with surprising happenings and conflicting feelings. And as Bill Bryson says about having lived in two countries the reality is that some things are better and some things are worse.

P.S. The fridge got fixed yesterday and I'm really relieved.

Related Posts:
0

Trial And Error

 If you've been reading my blog from the beginning or at least over the past few months, you would be familiar with my morning struggles. To summarize, I'd like to be a morning person. They seem more productive and happy or something. But I'm not.

So over the past year I've been attempting to either try to become one or at least get up a little earlier in order to give myself some extra time to do the things I like to do, or at least not arrive at the office late and in shambles and feeling guilty (which happens a lot).

Growth and change are never linear. When I set out to 'fix' my posture/RSI problems, things would improve, and then they wouldn't for a long time. Sometimes I would feel like I was moving backwards.

Changing anything usually involves a lot of mistakes. And so has been my challenge with mornings. I've tried to bribe myself to get up earlier (pizza for breakfast anyone?), commit publicly to getting up earlier, spend the early mornings at home hanging out doing stuff, spend the early mornings at work doing stuff. I've made lovely breakfasts, bribed myself with cream cheese, eggs, bacon, etc. (the food list goes on and on), tried meditating early in the morning, writing in the morning, doing absolutely nothing in the morning except giving myself more time to get ready and last but not least, putting my blackberry in the living room in the hope that I would at least get out of bed to check my email.

Well, I've learned a few things.

First, I'm not sure if this is ever going to change, but the absolute earliest I can get up, without thoughts of ending my life (I'm only partly joking) is 6.30 a.m. For some reason, that half hour between 6 and 6.30 is a real necessity for me. And don't give me the whole have-you-tried-going-to-bed-earlier? speech. I've tried for a year. A year. I give up on 6 a.m. Also, even if I can get up at 6.30 a.m. most days of the week, there's always going to be one or two where I need to sleep until 7 a.m. I haven't been able to prevent this.

Second, my body is not ready for breakfast right away. It takes me at least until 8 a.m. if not 9 a.m. to be ready to eat. It's just the way my body is and I'm going to accept it.

And third, being creative isn't happening in the morning. I can get up successfully at 6.30 a.m., get into work a little early and answer emails or do admin, but I'm not ready for writing or anything of the sort.

But there's also some good news: I've realized that the morning walk I started doing a year ago in the summer when we moved into our new flat was really the happiest morning activity I've ever engaged in. So I've re-instituted it. I don't know what it is, maybe it wakes me up, or cheers me up. But whatever the reason, it works. I just go to the train station that is a 25-minute walk from our house (instead of the one 10 minutes away). I sometimes even do it on the way home as well. Hey, when you sit at a desk all day, some light walking isn't going to hurt. It also gives me time to think and be alone, which I love. We'll see if I'm so enthusiastic in the winter months.

I don't know if this is the end of the morning story, but I think I've settled on a happy medium. Maybe I'm not a morning person, or will never be one, but through trial and error I've at least discovered a few things about myself that help me to navigate the mornings OK and at the very least I'm late for work less often.

P.S. The most ironic thing about this is that if you read my first post on this subject, The Magical Life Of The Morning Person, I already knew a lot of what I discovered this past year, which means maybe I need to trust myself more. Although I seem to have at least programmed myself to get up some days half an hour earlier than before, so that's some progress!

Related Posts:
2

Ten Bags Of Clothes

On Sunday my brain forgot that Monday, as a bank holiday (Queen's Birthday) was not actually Sunday. So there was no Bikram Yoga class at 3 p.m.. Not to worry, the extra hour and a half was a very good reason to do what I had been putting off – finishing up the "Great Clothing Clean Out."

On the bus back from the yoga studio (yes, I actually went all the way there) I pondered why I had been putting off the final stages. If you haven't read my original post, I'm finally getting rid of all the clothes I don't wear anymore, including (gasp!) the clothes that don't fit and the ones I've been holding onto for sentimental purposes.

I did give myself a small margin of error – two tiny cloth storage boxes. In which I deposited a few special dresses, including a bridesmaid dress, the old wool sweater I stole from my Dad when I was in high school, a pair of sweat pants I stole from my Mom in high school (when she reads this she will think I'm ridiculous) and a wool skirt my Grandmother made for my Mom that never quite fit her right, which ended up in my possession. I shortened it to make it a bit sexier – as sexy as blue tartan plaid can be – but it no longer fits.

I also saved a tee-shirt from the publication where the Hub and I worked when we first met. He actually made me keep that one – but don't tell him I told you that.

I had already made the purge from my closets and drawers, but I was procrastinating going through it all again, deciding what to throw away and what to give away, because I knew it would be hard. I am a sentimental person, and also, part of me is kind of sad that I don't fit into the clothes I wore in my 20s. I've been holding onto the hope that I'd get back into them. But regardless of what happens to my body, holding onto a lot (yes, 10 bags worth) of clothes that mostly don't fit isn't helping me in any way. Holding onto things you don't use is living in the past or the future. And that means living in fear. Leo Baubata at Zen Habits wrote a really good post on this recently – about using decluttering as Zen meditation.

But it was still hard. I felt the anxiety rise as I put the clothes in bags to go, but as with all anxiety, if you just hold tight and let it happen – instead of avoiding whatever it is that's causing it – the fear eventually dissipates. And I thought about the people who would stumble upon my cast-off clothes in the charity shop and actually wear them. Even after my smaller cousin went through a lot of them while she was here for the wedding, there were still nice things in the pile that someone else could be using.

I also discovered something else about my procrastination in the process. Whenever I am avoiding something, it's usually because I think it's going to be hard. And I basically run a little film in my head imagining how long it's going to take me and how difficult it will be. So in my pondering on the bus before I got home I decided I was going to change the reel. I started visualizing how I was going to tackle the clear out easily and quickly. I conceded that I might have a few moments of anxiety but I would deal with it OK and I'd finish the project easily before something we had planned at 6 p.m. And guess what… I did! It actually worked. So I plan to now test out my weird 'visualization' technique with other things I'm dreading. If it got me from a messy attic strewn with piles of clothes to 10 bags ready to go to the charity shop, it might just be an effective technique.

Related posts:
0
Back to Top