The Only Rule

I can almost see the finish line. I think I'm less than two chapters away from finishing the initial draft of my first complete novel. I did write a novel when I was about ten, but some of my friends contributed chapters, so I suppose that doesn't count. And believe me, no one wants to read that novel.

Like many other aspiring writers I know, the daily writing habit has long eluded me. It's freakin' hard. But I knew I had to get there in the end, otherwise books would not happen. I'm certainly not perfect yet, and it's not happening every single day, but I am getting much, much closer.

What's made the difference?

I implemented a rule. Everyday I have to sit down for 30 minutes at my little writing desk in the study (this happens at 10 p.m. on weeknights and usually at some point in the morning on the weekends). I don't have to write, but I have to sit there, and I'm not allowed to do anything else. I can read what I've written already or just think about the story, but that's it.

Luckily, because I'm there, words often do end up on the page. Maybe not a lot, but sometimes a couple hundred. Over the days, those word counts really do add up.

And another benefit: writing everyday keeps me in the story. When I used to only write at weekends it took so long to get back into it. Now I feel much more like I'm living and breathing the narrative.

This strategy has helped me with writing, but I think people can use it for anything really. One of my friends is taking weekly French lessons (via Skype) and is loving it. But she wanted to listen to French radio daily to help with her listening comprehension. She said it was hard to get herself to do it so regularly -- even though once she started listening, she enjoyed it. I suggested that she use a similar method, but set the bar even lower. She just had to listen for one or two minutes -- all she really had to do was put her headphones in and tune in on her phone.

She tried it and told me that it was working: once she started, she usually ended up listening for the 15 minutes that was her goal.

I'm not sure where this resistance to starting things comes from, but it's amazing how easy it can also be to trick ourselves. Lucky I'm so dim witted that I'll sit down at my writing desk even when I don't want to write.

Another key part of this routine for me was letting the Hub know this had to happen and asking him to remind me it was time to write. (According to Gretchen Rubin's habit framework, I am an obliger, which means I need external accountability.) The Hub now knows that at 10 p.m. I can't watch just-one-more episode of whatever series we're bingeing on. Even when I'm tempted to skip, his asking "Aren't you writing tonight?" is often that kick I need to remember that it's the rule. And sometimes, as an added bonus, I even get out of doing the washing-up (dishes) or taking the rubbish (garbage) out. Being the tortured artist in the relationship at the moment certainly has its benefits.

Photo credit: Alicia Chenaux - Ch'Know Blogs Writer's Block via photopin (license)

2

Mid-Year Review!

Can you believe we've hit the halfway mark in 2016? It was the Wimbledon final yesterday, everyone is talking about their summer holidays and I finally, finally didn't wear tights to the office on Friday.

So what's the next obvious thing to think about? Goals, of course! Has the first half of this year felt like an uphill slog for everyone or is it just me? Back in April, I wrote a post talking about my goals for the year. I thought I'd update you on how it's going as I find that discussing these things publicly keeps me motivated. So thanks for keeping tabs on me -- much appreciated.

1. Decide what to do with the book I wrote last year. To jog your memory, this was a non-fiction memoir I wrote about moving to the U.K. and establishing my life here. It doesn't work in its current form. I've decided to write an extensive book proposal to try to focus it and plan to send it out to agents. Instead of trying to re-write (which frankly I've already tried to do and failed), I think it's a good idea to take a step back and re-frame it.

2. Write my first full fiction novel by the summer. Hmmmm... well, this hasn't happened. But I have written 20,000 words. I'm now at the stage where I can't remember what I've written, so think it's time for a chapter plan. I broke out Excel last week to keep a synopsis of each chapter and the characters that appear. Will finish this before continuing to write.

3. Write at least one more novel in the series in the second half of the year. As I said back in April, this is really a stretch. However, I have a plan. If I can finish the first novel before November, as well as do a chapter plan for the second one, I could -- potentially -- do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) to kick start the second. (If you don't know what this is, read this, where I talk about the start of my adventures in trying to write a novel in a month back in 2013.)

4. Get my U.K. driving license. Done, done and done.

5. Become more active on social media. This is so hard. I don't know how anyone has the time. I've heard advice recently to decide on your one platform and stick with it. Whether it's Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest or a blog (do blogs even count anymore?). And let's not even get started with LinkedIn. I feel like I just can't keep up -- there are too many feeds and too much noise. I definitely need a better strategy on this. Any and all advice welcome.

6. Finish decorating my study. I have now gone back to the upholstery store to order a blind. But it has been so long since they measured that I appear lost in the system. I'm working on it. Also, where do you keep your printer? Mine is sitting on the floor, which looks odd. At least all of the things I've had framed are on the wall.

7. Expand our kitchen. People, this is really happening. The Hub wanted to put plans on hold due to Brexit, but I insisted we need to support the economy. We have the plans back and I am meeting with the architects this week to work on them. Will be doing some drafting myself beforehand (missed career move: architect/builder/designer -- this is so fun!).

8. Add pictures to all my old blog posts without them. Forget it. This seems like a waste of time. Does anyone disagree?

9. Make at least one photo album from my digital photos. I haven't done this yet, but I have decided on the album it will be. This is the most important step, the rest is easy.

10. Figure out a way to be writing -- and meditating -- every single day. As Toni Morrison said, you've got to "write at the edges of the day". But man, it's hard. I keep switching between trying to write before work and before bed, but both have their unique challenges. And although the weekend writing works really well as when it comes to social invites, I guard that time with my life, I still haven't worked out how to avoid working on the weekends when work gets really busy. After all, I do get paid for this work (which is important when you want a new kitchen). Good thing I still have half a year to sort this out.

The meditation is actually going O.K. I am being sensible and sticking to only 5 minutes a day until the habit is really ingrained. Once I can do it every single day, then I'll up the time.

So that's it folks. Thanks for listening and keeping me motivated and I'll give you another update at year end.

Photo credit: Illustration Friday: Path. via photopin All rights reserved by the author

4

Casting Off The To-Do List Shackles

I read with great interest one of Oliver Burkeman's This column will change your life in the Guardian. He was reviewing a productivity author who suggested getting rid of the to-do list. How could that even be possible?

Like most to-do list addicts, I have a love-hate relationship with mine: it gives me a feeling of control, but also fills me with dread. There's just so much to do. How can I ever get it all done?

So I gave it a go. I read two of Mark Forster's productivity books. And he's good, really good. (I recommend Secrets of Productive People.)

I learned two very important things from him.

The first is that the whole idea of prioritizing what's important is rubbish. Even the things that you think aren't as important as the others actually do have to get done -- as they are usually all commitments you have. The only way to reduce the amount of stuff you have to do is to reduce your commitments. This was a bit of a wake-up call.

The second is the concept that most of our to-do lists are just fantasy. I used to have a to-do list about the length of War and Peace, which I just added everything to, with no discretion whatsoever. It was absurd that I was ever going to get it all done. And it just sat there, making me feel stressed and irritable.

So I decided to give Forster's system a try.

This is how it works. You sit down and make a list of five things you need to do. You cross them off the list and when you get down to two, you can add three more. You're never allowed to have more than five things on the list.

It's the kind of thing you really have to try to see how it works, but one of the first benefits of using this system is that it shows you exactly how much you can actually get done in a day. Sometimes I only do five things, or even less. This really brings home the first point I learned from him: the only way to really reduce your to-do list is to reduce your commitments.

I have a personal modification to his system that's evolved as I've been using it. I have two (electronic) sticky notes that are separate from my to-do list. One is for work and one for home. And they are where I write down to-do items that come in to me. Requests, tasks that pop into my head, things I need to buy, etc. But they never go on my to-do list straight away. They sit there for a while and I decide if I really need to do them. Sometimes I can delegate them, sometimes I decide they actually don't need to get done. Having these notes, however, at least rids me of the anxiety that I'm going to forget something.

And for all of those long-term goals? They don't sit on my to-do list anymore. If you want to, say, write a book, you carve out time each week or day to do it. And the fact that I still need to order curtains for the study? I notice that every day when I look at the window. Seriously, why would I need to write it down?

Now that I'm letting the to-do list go, I'm starting to realize that my epic list was the kind of thing that kept me living in the past or the future. All those things I was supposed to have done or all the things I will still had to do. But I'm now realizing what matters most is what I do today.

Photo credit: Day 092/366 - To Do List via photopin (license)

Photo credit: Black Clipboard via photopin (license)

2

Book Review -- Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Won't Stop Talking

I tend to like people, and socializing, so I thought this meant I was an extrovert. In fact, on the Myers-Briggs personality test, I typically tip into the "E" category by slightly over 50% (I'm an ENFJ).

So I was surprised to learn from Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking, that, according to her defintion, I am most likely an introvert who has learned how to appear extroverted in certain situations.

In fact, extroversion and introversion have nothing to do with whether or not you like people or socializing, according to Cain's analysis of the research. Instead, it is defined as the level of outside stimulation that you need to function well. Extroverts need new stimuli, like meeting lots of new people, are often thrill seeking, tackle work assignments quickly, make fast decisions and are comfortable multi-tasking. Introverts, on the other hand, prefer to work slowly and deliberately, listen more than they talk, feel they express themselves better in writing than in conversation, and typically dislike conflict.

I was amazed to find myself ticking nearly all the boxes on the list to put myself squarely in the category of introvert.

The Hub hates quizzes and definitions like these. He says there's no point in categorizing people as we're all too complex for that. I agree to some extent -- does it matter that I might be an extrovert by one definition and an introvert by another? And which definition is "right" anyway?

I will say though that reading Cain's book has helped me to understand a bit more about myself, particularly when it comes to a few things that were troubling me. For example, I do love socializing and going to parties, but I also find them incredibly exhausting and need time to "recover" afterwards. If faced with a week where there are numerous social events, particularly on consecutive nights, I don't cope well at all (just ask the Hub about how high the crankiness levels can get). But needing time alone to recharge, according to Quiet, is just par for the course for an introvert. This made me realize that being protective over my time alone and not allowing myself to be over scheduled was not a weird thing (as I have always thought), but something I actually need to do.

I find it is relevant to my work as well, and probably why I found being a journalist so draining, as it involved constant interaction with others. Although I have to participate in a lot of meetings at my current job, including external ones, and speak at conferences, I have always found myself needing to limit these events or group them together (I tend to try to schedule meetings in the afternoon so I have an uninterrupted morning to do research and writing). This is also not surprising for an introvert. Another mystery solved.

Whether or not you are an introvert or an extrovert, this book is enlightening. I am not naive enough to think that people do fit completely into one box or another, but I will say that this book gave me a much better understanding of human nature and why it is very important to "know thyself". And it gave me a justification for the fact that every weekend I try to kick the Hub out of the house (if for only a few hours!).

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• Book Review: Small Move, Big Change
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0

A 30-Something Girl Scout?

Last year was my year of dealing with "stuff" as we prepared to sell our flat and buy a real grown-up house. Not only did I embark on my life-changing clear out, but my Mom sent over all my childhood belongings. Now everything I own (O.K., the childhood doll house was not shipped to England) resides under my roof.

One thing I discovered during this process is that not only have I struggled with chronic procrastination my whole life, but I also am not good at finishing tasks, even ones I'm enjoying. I have ventured to try to understand this and -- even without the help of a professional psychologist -- I have come to the conclusion is that this has been completely about perfectionism, which is completely about anxiety.

When I describe this to people they are always baffled as they perceive me to be driven, organized and together -- a honest-to-goodness nerd. But that's the problem: I am driven and organized, and I use those bursts of energy to make up for all the time I spend not getting around to things or not getting them finished. And then everything works out O.K. in the end (or even better than O.K.), so in a way it's never been a "problem".

Oh but it has. It's hard to enjoy life and the work that you want to do when you're in a constant state of anxiety about being behind on everything.

Which made me realize that something had to change. And when I saw my Girl Scout sash among my childhood belongings I decided to do something radical. The sash was not complete -- it was accompanied by a neat baggie which contained some of the badges that I had never sewn on. I was mortified: what kid wants to be a Girl Scout, does the work for a badge and then doesn't sew it on? There was even a sewing badge there! What the what?

So over Christmas, which we spent at my in-laws, I sewed on all the badges that were missing from the sash. Even the cookie sale ones. (Consequently my father in law said he had a badge he wanted sewed on a sweatshirt, so I did that one too. Everyone wins!)

I know it sounds nuts. But for me it was a symbolic activity. It was almost as if with each stroke of the needle I was telling that little girl who is still in there somewhere that there's no reason not to be bold. Whatever it is I want to do, why not do it whole hog and not care what anyone else thinks? Whether it's being a Girl Scout, a writer or something else entirely. And, maybe even more importantly, that I am capable of these things -- there's no reason to fear this specter of failure I've been running from my whole life.

I think Girl Scout cookie time is coming up soon, so if you live in the U.S., please support this great organization. It's still teaching me lessons, even as a 30-Something former Girl Scout. I have my order in already for a box of samoas.

Related posts:

• Top 10 Things I Learned From My Life-Changing Clear Out
• What If I Need It?

2

Book Review: Small Move, Big Change

Habits are a big thing at the moment. Gretchen Rubin (of The Happiness Project) comes out with her new book Better Than Before: Mastering Our Habits In Everyday Life in March. In the meantime, pick up Small Move, Big Change by Caroline Arnold, a very good book on, dare I say it, how to go about changing your habits in a relatively painless way.

The premise goes something like this: make all your changes small enough that it is absolutely ridiculous not to implement them. Arnold calls these "microresolutions" and they are just that, very small, doable changes.

She discusses how most people attempt to completely overhaul their bad habits, trying to do such overwhelming things as "get organized", which in my view, stems from the natural impatience we have as humans of wanting to change things all at once. And as Arnold reminds us, this is usually a course for disaster. After that initial euphoria that comes from the start of a new project, our old habitual practices kick in. And it's true, think about how strong our ingrained habits are. None of us would even think of going to bed without brushing our teeth, because it's second nature in our society -- something we've been doing every night of our whole lives. Most people probably can't even remember learning to brush their teeth as they were so young when they did.

Arnold starts the book by giving an example of how she used a microresolution to "get organized". She found that she was always taking notes at work in various notebooks, on scraps of papers, or on printed out presentations or agendas during meetings. This meant that everything ending up in different places and she was constantly wasting time trying to find specific notes. Her microresolution: To put all my notes in one notebook. And because this resolution was obviously feasible -- although didn't prove as easy at it might seem -- she was determined to keep it.

The book walks us through Arnold's seven rules of microresolutions and she peppers the explanations of each with very concrete examples from her own life. Because I am incredibly nosy about how other people's brains work, what motivates them and how their structure their lives, I loved this detail. And it was very helpful in understanding how to apply her rules to my daily life. She also includes helpful chapters on each areas that most people want to change or improve, including fitness, diet & nutrition, clutter, relationships, spending, punctuality and organization. I also liked the fact that she provided to examples of the way in which she changed habits at both work and home, which is, in practice, the way we live, juggling the two sides to our lives.

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Book Review: Drop Dead Healthy

0

Broken Windows

I'm a moderation girl. I don't do fasts or detoxes. I don't exercise every day and I think the best kinds of exercise are the moderate ones – walking, swimming, yoga. A little dancing. I've never 'given up' drinking in January as I don't tend to go on a Christmas binge. I make sure I eat some fruit and veg every day but pretty much everything else I consume is what appeals at the time and meets my hunger levels. And although clutter stresses me out, I don't mind a bit of mess as long as it gets cleaned up eventually.

In fact, my modus operandi when it comes to mess is that I make one and then when I can't stand it anymore I clean it up. Typically this happens at home twice a week – once on Sunday evening, when I clean up the chaos of the weekend and once on Thursday when our cleaner tidies up the chaos of the week.

It got me thinking – is this the best way to handle mess?

If you've ever read Malcolm Gladwell's book The Tipping Point, you'll know about the 'broken window' theory. It's a crime theory. It states that repairing broken window in a neighborhood in a timely manner prevents further vandalism and therefore stops escalation into more serious crime. I suppose it equates to setting a tone. A sidewalk filled with litter is more likely to induce further littering.

I feel like the broken window theory could apply to mess in my life. If a counter/bed/chair is already littered with 'stuff' then what's the incentive to put away the clothes I'm wearing on that particular day or wash that one extra bowl I'm adding to the dishes by the sink?

Would it work to have a 'no tolerance' policy on mess? Or is that just asking for trouble?

I wonder how much of my aversion to putting things away right away comes from my overall tendency to procrastinate, and my belief that tasks are always difficult. Funny enough, bloggers Leo Babauta and Gretchen Rubin give some similar advice this week. Babauta talks about how cleaning as you go is one of the seven little things that make life effortless. And Rubin discusses how important it is to put things away where they want to be.

I always used to think that these types of techniques were geeky and I'd be even more of a geek if I was well-organized and neat, but the reality is that the more organized I get, the more time I actually have for fun things (including writing a blog). Life doesn't have to be so hard all the time. And a lot of it is being prepared to let go of bad habits – procrastination and mess are, after all, anxiety relieving in the short term, but don't do us any good in the long run.

So I'll have a go and try what I will call the 'broken window' anti-mess technique. I'll let you know how it goes. Only one question remains: who is going to tell the Hub about our new household policy?

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1

Book Review: The Now Habit

Run -- do not walk -- to the nearest book shop or visit your favourite online retailer and buy this book. You will never look back.

In recent weeks (perhaps months) I've been stuck in a real procrastination rut. One could argue that I'm too hard on myself (true) but I'm also sick and tired of feeling bad that I'm not accomplishing the things I want to get done. I've made the decision that either got to find a way to do them or just forget them and enjoy my life. I refuse to be caught in a constant stress cycle of wanting to do things, but not being able, and then feeling disappointed in myself.

So thank goodness I picked up The Now Habit by Neil Fiore, PhD. Compared to the last book I read on procrastination -- The Procrastination Equation -- this book gives the reader some really specific and novel ways to tackle procrastination. I read this book last week and although I do tend to get a little excited about new self-help books, I honestly feel like a different woman. In the last few days not only have I done much more work than usual but it also has been accompanied by far less stress. Perhaps I was ready for a solution (which always helps) but still, I can't see how reading this book could be a bad thing for anyone.

According to Fiore, there are three major fears that block action and create procrastination: the terror of being overwhelmed, the fear of failure and the fear of not finishing.

As he so aptly puts it, this is what a typical procrastinator thinks:

"I have to finish something important and do it perfectly while enduring long periods of isolation from the people and things I love."

Procrastination is a coping mechanism. Putting off something you are dreading is a reprieve from these feelings -- albeit a temporary one. It just creates more dread, terror and fear as the deadline fast approaches.

Fiore explains that people who procrastinate need to change their thinking about work. Those who are likely to procrastinate have often been told from an early age that life and work are hard and things won't be easy.

For example:

"You have a lot more work to do before you can rest on your laurels; you'd better get used to things getting tough because adulthood is even worse than childhood; and while you're out having fun, some catastrophe is lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise you."

Sound familiar? Even if we haven't been told this specifically by our parents, there are other ways to pick up these types of messages: school, work, religion, our bosses, the media and the IRS (or your government equivalent). The reason these types of messages are so stressful is that they invoke feelings of "I have to" or "I should" and mean that your brain has to not only muster the energy needed to do the dreaded task but also provide the energy needed to resist threats to the integrity of the self.

Fiore's book spells out new ways to speak to yourself and ways to change your thinking. It's a clear and easy method to follow and even if you don't believe what you're saying at first, over time the brain should experience some rewiring.

But Fiore also offers a novel way to get started on projects. He explains how to break things down into manageable chunks (which we are probably all familiar with), but also gives a concrete method for getting started while at the same time alleviating the pressure to do things 'right' from the get go. He calls it the 'unschedule' and it's brilliant. I won't give it all away -- also it sounds a little silly unless you read it all the way through and actually try it out (but it's an exercise that's really worth doing).

I can't recommend this book enough. Not only has it given me hope for completing my projects, it has also taken me a step closer to being kind to myself without sacrificing meaningful work, creativity or leisure time. Go buy this book. You can thank me later.

 Related Posts:

• Making Peace With Red Tape
• Ten Bags Of Clothes
• Book Review: The Procrastination Equation

0

Trial And Error

 If you've been reading my blog from the beginning or at least over the past few months, you would be familiar with my morning struggles. To summarize, I'd like to be a morning person. They seem more productive and happy or something. But I'm not.

So over the past year I've been attempting to either try to become one or at least get up a little earlier in order to give myself some extra time to do the things I like to do, or at least not arrive at the office late and in shambles and feeling guilty (which happens a lot).

Growth and change are never linear. When I set out to 'fix' my posture/RSI problems, things would improve, and then they wouldn't for a long time. Sometimes I would feel like I was moving backwards.

Changing anything usually involves a lot of mistakes. And so has been my challenge with mornings. I've tried to bribe myself to get up earlier (pizza for breakfast anyone?), commit publicly to getting up earlier, spend the early mornings at home hanging out doing stuff, spend the early mornings at work doing stuff. I've made lovely breakfasts, bribed myself with cream cheese, eggs, bacon, etc. (the food list goes on and on), tried meditating early in the morning, writing in the morning, doing absolutely nothing in the morning except giving myself more time to get ready and last but not least, putting my blackberry in the living room in the hope that I would at least get out of bed to check my email.

Well, I've learned a few things.

First, I'm not sure if this is ever going to change, but the absolute earliest I can get up, without thoughts of ending my life (I'm only partly joking) is 6.30 a.m. For some reason, that half hour between 6 and 6.30 is a real necessity for me. And don't give me the whole have-you-tried-going-to-bed-earlier? speech. I've tried for a year. A year. I give up on 6 a.m. Also, even if I can get up at 6.30 a.m. most days of the week, there's always going to be one or two where I need to sleep until 7 a.m. I haven't been able to prevent this.

Second, my body is not ready for breakfast right away. It takes me at least until 8 a.m. if not 9 a.m. to be ready to eat. It's just the way my body is and I'm going to accept it.

And third, being creative isn't happening in the morning. I can get up successfully at 6.30 a.m., get into work a little early and answer emails or do admin, but I'm not ready for writing or anything of the sort.

But there's also some good news: I've realized that the morning walk I started doing a year ago in the summer when we moved into our new flat was really the happiest morning activity I've ever engaged in. So I've re-instituted it. I don't know what it is, maybe it wakes me up, or cheers me up. But whatever the reason, it works. I just go to the train station that is a 25-minute walk from our house (instead of the one 10 minutes away). I sometimes even do it on the way home as well. Hey, when you sit at a desk all day, some light walking isn't going to hurt. It also gives me time to think and be alone, which I love. We'll see if I'm so enthusiastic in the winter months.

I don't know if this is the end of the morning story, but I think I've settled on a happy medium. Maybe I'm not a morning person, or will never be one, but through trial and error I've at least discovered a few things about myself that help me to navigate the mornings OK and at the very least I'm late for work less often.

P.S. The most ironic thing about this is that if you read my first post on this subject, The Magical Life Of The Morning Person, I already knew a lot of what I discovered this past year, which means maybe I need to trust myself more. Although I seem to have at least programmed myself to get up some days half an hour earlier than before, so that's some progress!

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• Jekyll And Hyde
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2

Exercise, Again

It's not easy to get into an exercise routine. For anyone. But you've got to be strategic. It's got to be right for your body type, something you actually like doing and the right frequency to keep you from just giving up.

As you may know, I am now recovered from what was a terrible problem with my posture that resulted in muscle imbalance and pain. Unfortunately for me, after recovering, I had a few set backs, including a tonsillectomy and then a back injury last summer from moving house that was totally unrelated (apart from the fact that I am hypermobile, which means I will probably always be a little more prone to injury than most people).

So it's been a long time since I've had a regular sustained exercise routine for more than a few months – besides walking. And that's been tough. Both physically and mentally.

But last October, the stars finally aligned and my physio cleared me to start exercising again. First, I started going back to Bikram yoga. I was thrilled– but had to remain calm about the whole thing and not overdo it. I just went once a week. I also went back to my tap dancing class. This was all amazing.

And then, it got better! I was cleared to do some aerobics again, so I started getting back into Zumba (a dance exercise class). This trio of activities got me through the five months prior to the wedding.

So what happens now? I've been getting stronger and although I don't want to overdo it, I wanted to up things a little more, considering that tap class doesn't happen every week and sometimes we don't even really work up a sweat (we all usually just wear our work clothes). And even though I'm not sure I'll settle at this level, I think exercising three to four times per week seems like the right amount for me.

I'd been toying with a few ideas – including going to yoga twice a week. I tried it, but it was just too much for me. I know that the Bikram yogis swear you have to go at least that much, if not everyday, but it's expensive, and it's time consuming. Apart from being a 90-minute class, you get so sweaty that there's no way you can leave the building without a shower. Plus there's the 15 minutes I spend after class sprawled on the floor unable to move before I can even get to the changing room.

Going once a week is still really challenging, but I also don't dread it. For now, that's my Bikram yoga equilibrium.

One thing that has influenced my decision about what to add in next is a pesky bit of a click in my right shoulder (not sure how else to describe it). According to Super Physio, this will go away once my right deltoid (the big shoulder muscle) gets just that bit stronger to hold one of the joints in my shoulder together better.

I have weights that I use to do specific physio exercises with, but SP said that I need to do more varied work (i.e. faster and in more directions) to actually get that deltoid muscle as strong as it needs to be to stop said pesking 'clicking'. And this doesn't mean I need to become a body builder – no, it means going to Zumba and waving my arms around more and doing things like swimming or tennis or golf.

So I've now started adding swimming back in on Thursday nights. In the past I've struggled a bit with trying to incorporate swimming into my routine. But I am pretty interested in getting rid of that click and I think it's probably the safest bet right now as I don't feel ready for tennis or golf yet. Also, there's the added incentive of a little lie down in the sauna afterwards.

There's a lot to think about when it comes to exercise for me. I can't just plow ahead and try out every new exercise fad that comes along (and who really wants to fly with Jukari or throw those kettle balls around anyway?). Sometimes it stinks, but I know that in the end my body will thank me for it. I have to be my own expert, as only I know the type of exercise that works best for me, what I really like and how I can make it sustainable. And I think that might even be true for everyone, even if you don't have a pesky shoulder click.

Related Posts:

• Keeping Score
• Our Bodies, Ourselves

0

Making Peace With Red Tape

I have finally finished my U.S. taxes. Well, I have finally finished gathering together the materials to do them, so that I could send them to my tax preparer. (Doing my U.S. taxes as an expat is clearly out of the question. I am still traumatized by my Dad making me do them when I was in college and I had to try to figure out how to account for share sales that were paying my tuition).

Life is full of red tape. There's always something you need to be doing admin-wise. Whether it's making a dentist appointment, figuring out how the heck to send a postal ballot in the U.K., applying for a mortgage or doing your taxes, it will probably never cease. There are thank-you notes to send, birthday cards to write and garbage to take out. Living in a society with other peoples comes with all sorts of rules and responsibilities this way. Even dying requires a certain amount of admin.

I've started making a sort of truce with red tape. Not sure if I'm at peace with it yet, but the light bulb has finally gone on and I've realized that putting things off doesn't make them go away and instead creates more pain. Playing catch-up is always a grind. So why do so many of us keep things on our to-do list for ages, taunting us?

I was thinking about it last night and realized that sometimes completing things frightens me. When things are all done, beds are made and the admin is under control, what's left? If I didn't have silly things to worry about, would I be faced with the really scary things – the fears that I don't particularly like sitting with?

Ironically, having all sorts of admin hanging over my head avoids a certain amount of discomfort. Clearing away all the excess clutter leaves me alone with whatever is there (whatever that is). I suppose it's a little like meditation. Just sitting there, doing nothing, alone with your thoughts. No wonder people turn the other direction when you start talking about meditation.

But the flip side – and the less scary side – is that when you do clear away all the clutter of life, you can also find the space to focus. You can touch base with the uncomfortable stuff and then make choices about what's actually important.

But practically, how do you get started on clearing all the admin away?

What has helped me is finding some time to focus on it – a scheduled time. Setting aside a specific time does two things – it makes sure you stay focused when you're doing it and also it gives your brain space to do other things when it's not the time to do admin.

For example, when I do manage to get up early (at 6 a.m.), I'm not actually ready to do creative things, but I've found that I am really good at clearing my inbox and sorting out other tasks like bills, online grocery shopping or figuring out how to get to an upcoming country wedding by train. I prefer to get serious writing done instead after work and before dinner. Also, starting the day with admin sorted makes it much easier to really concentrate on work at 9 a.m.

Another thing I do is set aside some time on Sunday nights to go through the stack of papers that has accumulated throughout the week (mail, magazines, odd scraps of paper with lists scribbled on them, etc.). I file away important bits and decide what to chuck. That means during the week I can open my mail without worrying too much about it. I can just put it in the pile if it can wait until Sunday. I know piling things is another form of procrastination, but I'm OK with only sorting it out once a week (hey, nobody's perfect).

Also, if I have a bigger project I want to do, such as cleaning out a closet, or putting together a flat-packed piece of furniture (don't get me started on how long this actually takes – I am never ordering furniture in pieces again), I schedule it in. Block out a Saturday afternoon. Just like I would do with a social engagement. If you want to de-clutter your life and your brain, you have to build in the time.

Obviously, you have to be your own expert and find what works for you. But before you just sigh and forget about it, thinking red tape is the bug bear impossible to conquer, it's worth examining what it is that keeps you from actually dealing with annoying admin. And what you could gain by getting it under control.

Related Posts:

• Silly Stress
• The Art Of De-Cluttering
• What Next? Start Small

0

The Great Clothing Clean Out

Clothes can often be loaded for women. They are our protection, a statement, and can represent what we desire or what we wish was better about ourselves. For some, buying clothes and going shopping can be great fun or a distraction. It can also be an addiction.

I have to admit, I am not the biggest fan of shopping. No matter how at peace you are with your body, sometimes it's no match for the dressing room lighting. Or pick out the wrong cut of skirt and suddenly you appear to have lumps jutting out of your body in places you didn't even know there was a problem. It's not for the faint of heart.

For me clothes shopping is also interlinked with my constant battle not to hang onto old clothes -- things that don't fit, don't look nice or just contain a sentimental value (but yet they sit stuffed away at the back of the closet or in the bottom of a drawer). What if I need it again? What if I ever do some painting and need overalls? I keep old pairs of jeans in case I can use the material to patch another pair. As if I have ever patched anything in my life.

Earlier this week I wrote about a program I watched on hoarding and it gave me a renewed drive to try to grapple with my pack-rat demons when it comes to my clothes.

And the truth is, that in the past few years I've got better. I try to do a good clean out of my clothes at the end of each summer/winter season (there are only two seasons in England - warmish and coldish). I seek some honesty with myself: did I actually wear it all season?

When my cousin came over for the wedding I asked her to go through all the clothes that no longer fit me. Twelve years my junior, in her early 20s, there was a lot of stuff that looked great on her. And it was much easier parting with things when I knew they were going to my lovely cousin.

But still, there are loads of dresses I hang on to that I don't wear and all sorts of strange things I can't seem to throw away, like oversized tee-shirts with the names of trade publications I once worked for stenciled on them. These are not high-fashion items I should be treasuring.

I think the crux of my problem lies in my refusal to see my own wardrobe as a changeable, living thing. I'm not even the type who buys 'investment' pieces! But the reality is that we buy new things all the time, our lives change, our jobs change, our shapes change, and our tastes change. Even if I like something a lot, I can grow tired of wearing it. And there's that old chestnut of hanging onto clothes that don't fit. If you lose or gain weight, guess what, you can buy new clothes – the ones you are holding onto may no longer be in style or to your taste anyway.

Keeping things that you actually wear now and make you feel good is the stuff equivalent to living in the moment.

So this past weekend I took my first step in the getting-rid-of-things-I-don't wear cold turkey process. Without questioning, I asked myself, 'do I wear this?' and if the answer was no, then I took it out of the drawer or closet. Everything is now sitting up in our attic for phase two.

I plan to ask myself three questions when the real sorting begins:

1. Do I wear this? Right now?

2. Do I feel good in this?
3. If neither are true, why am I hanging onto this… and it is rational or just emotional?

I'm planning to give myself a little leeway. I have two small storage boxes. I will allow myself to keep some sentimental items, but only as long as they fit into those two boxes. Everything else will go to the charity shop or be thrown away. I'll let you know how it goes.

Related Posts:

• The Art Of De-cluttering
• What I Wear (Right Now)

2

What I Wear Now (Right Now)

I was watching a fascinating program the other day on T.V. called 'Hoarders'. It's a show on the Bio channel (don't judge me) that aims to help hoarders clean up their homes and also deal with the mental health issues causing the hoarding in the first place.

It may sound unethical to put someone on television with mental health issues and let other people watch them, however, at least this program is trying to help. And there are some programs that put those with mental health issues on T.V. without trying to help them – which is pretty bad, in my opinion. Also, if someone watches a program like this and it encourages them to get help for any type of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder that they are suffering from, it can only be a good thing. Right?

Laying aside whether or not I should have been watching this program, it really made me think about the way I deal with stuff. Objects. Things.

Hoarding is a real risk for me. As an anxious person, I do feel particularly attached to things, especially those that have sentimental value. I also just like having stuff. Especially extra stuff. Just in case I need it.

I'm determined to fight it, particularly as I get older, which is apparently when hoarding gets worse. Also, I feel surprisingly great when clutter is gone.

Apparently, like anything in life, there's a real spectrum of hoarders. From people who just have a lot of stuff (perhaps classified as the 'cluttery sort'), to those who literally keep garbage. The latter is considered a 'Stage 5' and often they are health risk to themselves and those around them.

Also, people generally can be prone to hoarding, but it is traumatic events in their life that cause it to get out of control. I was particularly struck by one woman on the program whose hoarding had worsened after she gave birth to a still-born son. One of the professionals on the show explained to the viewer that she was using hoarding as a coping mechanism. She was surrounding herself with things that were a part of her past or things she had bought for the future – but that she was no longer allowing herself to live in the present. 

This really hit home for me. That's exactly what excess stuff is really about. It's the embodiment of what, in my mind, is living in fear and misery. Being stuck in the past or the future and now allowing ourselves to experience the here and now.

I was in our spare bedroom last night looking at a blue fleece I had taken out of one of our closets. And I thought, "I don't wear that fleece anymore," but yet I had folded up to put up in the attic with the rest of my winter clothes. So why was I planning to keep it?

My Mom bought that fleece for me. It's a good brand. And I have a very fond memory of wearing it to visit my aunt in Holland, about a year and a half before she died of cancer. I know because there's a picture she took of me in the main square in Haarlem, smiling and wearing the blue fleece.

But I don't wear it anymore. Which made me think: what if I got rid of all the clothes I don't wear, right now, at this moment, no matter what the reason?

It was one of those moments, where your vision is clear and you can see the issue for what it is.

Getting rid of everything I don't wear would mean no longer having that yellow dress I once wore so much and wish I could still fit into. And the bridesmaid's dress from my friend's wedding in 2005. It would mean shedding all those things I keep 'just in case'.

Could I do it? I don't know. I'm kind of scared, but also completely exhilarated by the idea. I just might try it – I'll let you know.

Related Posts:

• The Art Of De-cluttering
• Email: Channeling Josephine

0

What Next? Start Small

Ever since we got back from honeymoon I've been the queen of procrastination. There's actually quite a bit of clean-up admin left over. There's the thank-you notes and the wedding album to put together (most couples I know who got married in the past few years still haven't done it) and the honeymoon pictures to sort through. We went on safari and I kid you not, took over 700 photos, I think, of mostly giraffes. Why so many giraffes?

I know, you're weeping for me, right?

I'm not complaining about all this nice stuff I have on my to-do list. Rather, I'm thinking about motivation a lot these days in terms of how to get things done, while prioritizing the important things and also keeping myself from getting knotted up about everything on the list.

And I think (just maybe) that planning a wedding taught me some important lessons. Because actually, even though I say I'm the queen of procrastination, I've already written 20 thank you notes and we've unpacked and put away all our gifts, broken down the boxes and I've even checked the file size of the wedding photos (so my parents could send me the right size memory stick). Which is one of those fiddly things that in the past I just never would have done quickly.

So what have I learned?

You've got to prioritize. And then you've got to start small: do just do one thing. Which will eventually lead to others.

I suppose, also, that I'm making some progrees on shedding the perfectionist tendencies, because I'm learning that posting twice a week is better than not at all. And writing even one thank-you note per day will get you there faster than you thought.

Also, focusing on one task (or a small number) at a time really does work. Last week I was going a little bit crazy. My mind was racing about trying to solve/get organized/deal with everything else in my life that I haven't had much time to focus on in the past eight months.

My brain was like a runaway train, unsatisfied with the state of my wardrobe (must clean out those ratty winter clothes) and my inability to get up earlier in the mornings on a consistent basis (again). I was also mad at myself for sticking to cooking and eating my rota of 'easy dinners' that recently got me through the busy times. Why hadn't I broken out the new cookbook my brother and his girlfriend gave me for Christmas and learned some amazing new dish to serve the Hub?

Then I stopped the insanity. And thought about what were the most important things right now. Writing the thank-you notes, filing my US taxes and getting back into the rhythm of blogging. (I won't take credit for the three-most-important-project method – I read it in Leo Babauta's book: The Power of Less. But I find it works – three projects is a good number to juggle.)

Also, I've again started using a technique that my Dad once told me about. Whenever there's something that you don't want to do, just do it for 30 minutes. It really works, usually 30 minutes of just about anything is tolerable (if it's not, reduce it to 10 or 20 – I find 25 actually sometimes works better than 30 as it seems like so much less), and once I'm actually doing something I get into it, and don't mind it so much. Or, if I don't, I just take a break after the 30 minutes is up and then start again.

It's interesting, this compulsion to get everything done at once, and right away! Perhaps it's time to start meditating again. My initial thought on that: but there's no time! I wonder what I'm afraid of – maybe that I'll have to slow down and forget about my to-do list for a while. Maybe the best thing I can do for myself post-wedding is to start examining my obsession with 'getting things done'.

Well, maybe, but after I finish the thank-you notes.

How do you deal with procrastination? Or the never-ending to-do list?

Related Posts:

• Life Is Messy
• Priorities
• Keeping Score

2

To Know Or Not To Know

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but all of a sudden Future Hub was mentioning current events and my mind was just coming up blank. He was incredulous that I wasn't aware of some parliamentary scandal or another. "You mean, you haven't been following it at ALL?" he said, probably one normal Tuesday evening.

Thing is, one day I just got tired of reading the free newspapers in London. In the morning there's Metro and after work The Evening Standard. Everyone seems to read them and they litter the train seats and the tube seats and the flat bit in the middle of the escalators. There's a lot of highly entertaining stuff in them – restaurant reviews, celebrity gossip and of course news. The regular serious stuff like budget cuts and politics and business news but also pretty much every horrible thing that happens in Britain and the world. Children being tortured and abused, accidental holiday deaths and women cyclists in London being run over by lorries (trucks). The women always seem to be exactly my age. And of course whoever she was, she definitely had a promising career and there's always a pretty picture of her smiling back at you.

A week ago the header read: Mother and Son Killed in Bathtub. Apparently they were electrocuted when an heater fell into the tub. I didn't read the story, just peered over at it across from the tube aisle (which also toughened my resolve to write this particular blog soon).

I am aware that horrible things happen in this world. Everyday, all day long. But does it do me any good to read about them morning and evening, day in and day out? Perhaps it would be useful to know not to keep electrical appliances close to the bathtub, however, my Mother has hammered that lesson into my head for as long as I have been alive. And in Britain they don't even have electrical sockets in bathrooms, such is the fear quotient about mixing electricity and water (which begs asking how this freak accident actually happened – and I don't know, not having read the story).

I'm not suggesting totally cutting oneself off from the news flow entirely. For work I need to know what's happening in financial markets, so I read the free business newspaper (City A.M.) every morning and also get to the Financial Times later in the day as well. I also digest all sorts of trade journals about my particular industry.

But do I need to know about every terrible thing happening in the world? Does it help change things in any way? Would I be more likely to make a difference in this world being a calm, happier person who doesn't dwell on every real-life horror? I hope so. Because that's the particular tack I'm taking at this moment. Not only does reading the daily free papers upset me, but it also takes up precious free time when I could be writing or reading books on my long list, or spending time chatting with friends (here and abroad).

And I still find out about stuff. It's amazing how much people tell you about current events. If you're interested in something in particular you can then go and read about it. Even just reading the Saturday paper once a week will tell you more than you need to know about anything that has happened in the past seven days (if indeed you want to know about it).

'They' say knowledge is power, and it is, but is all knowledge power? And there are always things we'd rather not know. Does idle horrible gossip about friends or co-workers help anyone? I say, when it comes to knowledge, be selective. Pursue what you're interested in, challenge yourself, but don't think you need to know everything that's going on – all knowledge certainly isn't equal.

Related posts (on attempting to avoid some stress):

• Silly Stress
• Success Is Fun But Work Should Be Too
• Email: Channeling Josephine

3

Making Morning Space

As you may or may not have noticed, I took last week off from blogging. Wasn't intentional, but last weekend we were in New York partying it up pre-wedding. And then, back to work, dealing with jet lag and a pile of work to tackle after being on vacation for (gasp!) two weeks straight. Blogging just wasn't in the cards.

Plus we're gearing up for the stretch of time right before the wedding when things really need to get sorted out, so I'm kind of busy panicking.

However, I have made some progress on the morning front! I thought I'd share, because you all know how much I have struggled with this. It's probably too early to even talk about because I've had a lot of false starts before, but as is always the case, I am hoping that this time is different.

Here's my new approach. In the past, I was trying to get up earlier to get something done. Most recently writing. However, I think this may have been where I was going wrong. This past week (and mind you, I was jetlagged) I started getting up earlier but avoided doing anything more than I typically do before work – you know the drill: shower, dressing, eating, getting to work. This week I just gave myself more space and time. Time to actually put on makeup, time to make a nice breakfast, and an actual feasible time for commuting.

The results were astounding. Not faced with a new task to get done but just more time to enjoy getting ready in the morning and subsequently not feeling rushed and panicky has done wonders for my mood in the morning. I'm getting into work before 9 a.m. – instead of wondering how late I'm actually going to be that day.

And because I don't feel rushed or stressed I am not so devastated when I don't get a seat on the train or the tube. I'm even feeling like I'm more productive at work because I don't start the day feeling behind.

One of my issues – I believe – is that my stress over needing to be more productive is actually detrimental. Because I'm always trying to 'do' so much, I don't have time to just 'be' and that, counterintuitive as it may be, actually impedes creativity and productivity.

Perhaps – and one can always hope – that this time I have it cracked. I spend so much time trying to be something else, someone better, someone more interesting and more productive. Maybe for me the morning isn't a time to get more done, but a time for me to just let things go and make more space for being.

Again, as usual, I'm worried this is the millionth false start. But I'll keep you posted.

Related Posts:

• The Magical Life Of The Morning Person
• I'll Never Be A Morning Person, But...
• Jekyll And Hyde

2

Book Review: Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire

I have mixed feelings about Mireille Guiliano, author of Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire. Although I think there are truly great parts of her French Women Don't Get Fat two-book series, and I do think she has a very healthy relationship with food, her philosophy on weight loss in the books cuts a little bit too close to a diet. Although she does advise eating everything in moderation, she also tells readers to do a weekend leek soup fast to kick start things and then cut out certain types of foods until the weight starts to drop off.

However, her newest book is not specifically about food or lifestyle, but about women and work. She does put a fair dose of lifestyle advice in there – and I don't object to that. In fact, it's a good summary of things we already know but probably should be reminded about from time to time, like 'get enough sleep' and 'decide what you're going to wear the night before'. These things can actually save a lot of stress when it's time to get ready for work (it's a no brainer – but I still need to be reminded about them quite frequently).

Guiliano's writing style is engaging and her anecdotes in this book are very interesting – in fact, I think the book might have been better if it actually was written in memoir style instead of as a self-help book. My feeling while reading this book was that of confusion – which is it exactly? I felt that the lessons she was painting were good ones, but everything was so specific to her own experiences that I wasn't sure I could really apply them.

I've read a few books about women and work and have been helped the most by very specific advice that can be applied in a variety of situations. Like, 'don't apologize (which women tend to do) unless there's a very good reason for it', and 'treat work like a game, not a meritocracy' (something women – probably from years of conditioning – also tend to not 'get').

That said, I think reading a book about one very accomplished woman's experiences with work, particularly as an ex-pat woman in the male-dominated drinks industry in the US during the 1980s was fascinating (she was a senior executive and spokesperson for Veuve Clicquot). There's always something we can learn from reading about someone else's experiences told from their unique point of view.

There is one other issue. Guiliano chose not to have children. And she doesn't really address how she thinks this may or may not have affected her career path. I raise this issue delicately as I don't want to imply in any way that her success is linked with the absence of children. In a recent column in the Financial Times, Lucy Kellaway (who writes about work life) addresses the same issue. She didn't do any scientific research, but trawled through a list of prominent women CEOs and found that what they generally had in common were husbands who either had more flexible working schedules or worked for themselves and were able to pitch in more than their fair share on childcare and other family-related tasks.

Most women (and men) don't make it to the echelons of their company's highest ranks, so Guiliano's success does raise this kind of question. Would things have been different if she had children?

If you like reading about other people's experiences, want a good few common sense tips, and don't mind feeling slightly inadequate (I mean, she does sometimes seem like a superwoman), I think this book is a good read. But don't expect to get any heavyweight insight into how to climb the corporate ranks at your company – I'm just not sure there's enough advice packed in.

0

The Art Of De-cluttering

It's getting close to New Year's resolution time so I thought I'd talk a little bit about clutter. I've been working this week, which is a quiet time in the office (particularly in Britain where people get much more holiday). I've been disappointed, however, with the amount of work I've actually had to do because I was planning on doing a good desk de-cluttering.

I'm not saying it's my greatest thrill in life, but it may be close. Nothing gives me an instant pick-me-up like getting something de-cluttered. Even if it's only a drawer or one bookshelf, getting rid of the non-essentials really helps me to get focused and centered. Whenever I feel overwhelmed it's often because there's mess around. It makes everything seem worse than it is.

So I wanted to share my two top tips for getting rid of stuff.

First, you've got to do it constantly. When I was young I used to embark on missions to clean out my room. As a natural hoarder (my Mom used to call me Oscar the Grouch) things would get out of control quite frequently – from the numerous shoe boxes under my bed storing every letter/card ever received to dusty knick knacks littering my bookshelves.

The 'clean out' would always end quite badly, either with a meltdown of tears at the mess I had created or with my Mom bailing me out by helping me to at least get everything back into livable shape (stuffing the shoe boxes back under the bed perhaps?). I think what I failed to comprehend was that cleaning things out had to be done more than once a year.

These days I try to keep up a constant attack. When it's quiet at work I take 20 minutes or so to clear out old folders or stacks of papers that have surreptitiously piled themselves up on my desk. I will often tackle just one kitchen drawer or cupboard at home. At the end of every clothing season I try to do at least a quick clear through. I find I actually enjoy it – particularly when the task is very small. A basket of toiletries in the linen closet here, a nightstand drawer there. And no matter how sceptical you are that there's anything in there you need to throw away, you will always find something to get rid of. Promise.

But the second tip I have is probably the more important one. You have to shift or de-clutter something in your mind. For me, the hardest part is worrying that I'm going to get rid of something that I will need at some point. Whether it's a dress that doesn't fit and I don't wear anymore (and it's probably not even in style!) or a cardboard box that may make a good container for something.

So I have a mantra: be brutal. I think about how nice it is to have clear space and how there are charity shops out there that need my old things and clothes. Again, I remind myself how less is more and that if I need something in the future I will get it somehow.

I don't want to live my life in constant fear, needing things just in case.

And, when I have a clear workspace, a clutter-free kitchen counter top and a closet where I can actually see my clothes and shoes, my blood pressure seems to fall a notch and I feel much calmer. It's well worth it keeping Oscar the Grouch in his trash can where he belongs.

How do you tackle clutter? Or does it not bother you?

Related Posts (about habits, routines, eliminating stress for yourself):

• Exercise And Perfectionism Don't Mix
• Silly Stress
• Good Addictions?
• Email: Channeling Josephine

0

Jekyll And Hyde

I am really struggling with the mornings, my friends. Here's the situation. I want to get up early in the morning. I want to have more time to spend reading other people's blogs and writing my own. I yearn for that feeling of being organized when I'm actually on time for work and have not been rushing around like an out-of-control freight train trying to decide what to wear and what I need to remember to bring into work for the day.

I'd like to have a leisurely cup of tea in the morning. Or actually wear make-up to work.

At bed time I'm an in-control Dr. Jekyll, calmly planning to rise at 6.30 a.m. (I know, it's not even that early!). In the morning, I'm a monstrous Mr. Hyde, plotting how I can stay in bed just one more second, and thinking that actually I can get ready for work in 15 minutes! And who needs clean hair? Or breakfast?

How can I deal with these two competing sides of my personality? How can I motivate myself to do what I really want to do without letting myself get in the way?

I thought I had it cracked for a while (see I'll Never Be a Morning Person, But). Doing something I liked in the morning (like writing) was helping a lot. But then the going got tough. All I needed to keep my bum in bed was a super busy week at work or something I was upset about.

I know many of you have given me suggestions before, but please, reiterate or give me more. I'm not a big fan of fighting natural tendencies, but I know that if I had better mornings I'd probably have better days.

Perhaps I should try the whole 'publicly pledging to do something', so I'm held accountable. Who knows if this will work with Mr. Hyde at play, but it's worth a shot.

6.30 a.m. on weekdays or bust. Any other ideas, please do send them over.

2

People Pleasing

On Wednesday, I shared a little insight about what I'm learning through this whole wedding-planning process. Another one has since occurred to me.

So here is wedding-planning lesson number two: Things that you generally get upset about will also make you upset during the planning process – but on a much more magnified scale. If you're a people-pleaser like me, planning a wedding and sorting out the guest list is a veritable mine field. You can't make everyone happy and I've had a few sleepless nights trying to figure out if maybe this concept is actually wrong – that maybe I can make everyone happy! (My brain is like a big blackboard with equations scribbled over it as I try to prove the theorem: me + trying really hard = happiness for all creatures, big and small).

Being a people pleaser is not a great thing generally and it's something I really struggle with. I did some sessions with my friend while she was training to become a life coach and one of the exercises she gave me to do was to say 'no' to at least one thing everyday, no matter how small the request was.

Cue terrifying music. In fact, I'm not sure I even did the task I found it so daunting. This is not like me, as I'm such a goody two shoes that now I'm worried she is reading this and is upset with me for not doing it.

I'll give you another example of my general people-pleasing tendencies. My friend was buying a cookie at the coffee bar the other day and this is my recollection of our conversation:

Me: I have one of those cookies in my desk drawer. I wish I had known you were going to buy one, I would have given it to you. I don't even like them.

Her: Then why do you have one in your desk drawer?

Me: Well, someone gave it to me and I didn't want to offend them by not taking it.

Look, I know this sort of behavior isn't normal. But I'm working on it! Throwing a colossal party into the mix with a guest list of people from a few different continents is certainly giving me a lot of practice.

For one thing, I have seriously scaled down my social life to give me time to do all the wedding-y stuff. How else will I have time to trawl through photographers' websites and decide what color my shoes will be? This means saying no to friends, which I'm not great at (because I genuinely do love seeing them). But I've done it.

The problem with being a people pleaser is the only person who ends up miserable is you. I am trying to put myself first these days more and more. It sounds selfish, but it's not, because when I'm tired, cranky and overwhelmed from taking on too much, the people who suffer most are me and those people closest to me – the ones who have to see me day in and day out (like Future Hub). When I say 'yes' to everyone I become a much less loving and caring person.

So I'm working on it – and as I just stated, this wedding is good practice. Maybe I should try my friend's coaching exercise again. If you hear me say 'no' to you, please understand – maybe even pat me on the back?

(Incidentally, my friend's coaching business has now taken off. She specializes in career fulfillment and career transition. Jung is based in California, but does a lot of work over the phone. If you're interested, check out her website.)

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